Presley - the Lurcher with 2 many brains

Ray of Hope Appeal

2011-03-16T23:20:00.000-07:00

Hullo it's mee heer Big Presley, now see the title of ma blog today is 'Ray of Hope Appeal' - this wiz set up to raise funds for an noo X-Ray Machine at the Royal Dick Vet Hospital, which not only save's pets life's in Scotland, but also in England AND they are so advanced with the treatment of cancer in pets and that helps pets and humans. So, see ma Dad he is starting the fundraising by doing an all night vigil on a haunted SHIP on his own!! Ah swears that is the troof. Now, lots of organised Ghost tours go round this shipp, but ma Dad is so silly he is bean pure locked on the ship on his own wiff all the udder gools!! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOh Spookee!!The Sipp is ment to be haunted by WAN!! No wan gool, Wan is his name - he is Spaneesh! Wan killed himsell on the Sipp but decided he liked it so mutch he stayed when he became a gool.
Noo fing is, mee and Mollee watch TAPS - the American ghost hunters who pure deebunk spooks - or sumtimes not - so from ma eggspeerience I have made a list of eesentshal fings for ma Dad to take on sunday nite to the Sipp:
DVD Recorder - no fur to film the ghost, fur him to film himsell so that we can see how scared he is.
Blanket - Fur to poot over his heed, so that he can scare the udder gools away (cut too holes out fur ewer eyes)
A Steak - No the type to eet, this is fur him to drive frew the hart of the Vampires
A Book - In case the gools are asleep, ah suggest the book the Titanic - keeps the feem going of him bean on a Sipp.
A life jacket - in case he is afraid and runs away from the gools and has to pure jump overboard (he needs to remembers to jump off the side that has the water udder wise will hurt if he jumps off the sipp and lands on the key side)
If ah fink of udder fings for him to take, I'll add them to ma list.
All mee and Molleee wants to say is Good Bye Dad, it wiz nice knowing ewe!! and fanks fur raising so mutch monee to help save udder dogs and to all the fantastic peepells who have sponsored you to make a complete gool of yoursell.
Lots of Love your No.1 King - Big Presley xxx
Pee Ess Mollee is pure greetin now :-)

Hullo all ewes!

2011-03-09T22:26:00.000-08:00

Long time no see ah hope ewes have bean ok. Ah have bean bizzee helping ma Mum wiff the Ray of Hope appeal to raise funds fur dogs wiff cancer. Noo the fing is this, it wiz all my idear, ah fott of everyfin and it seems that there is a lorra lorra peepells out there that pure liked ma idear, cos now udder peepells are doing the same fing. That shows ewe just how cool ma idears are, to make udders perspire! (Mollee says the word is inspire).
Anyway, Dad is in charge this weekend cos Mum is going to Crufts, am no sure wit class she is in, but ah hope she does well, so if ewe see ma Mum say hello. Ah wood also like to wiss ma Feeonsee and No.1 babe Rag (Berwicklaw Scottish Girl) and ma love child Coalman (Berwicklaw Harbour Master) all the best in the Whippey classes. Also ma Antee Yvettes babes that will be there too. Comiserations to all the udder whippeys who wont stand a chance next to the Scottish babes! oh well sutch is life! And finking about wee Joss (Rags wee girl) who did quantify for Crufts, but hasnt bean well this yeer, but I'm sure she will be at Crufts nexx yeer. (mollee says the word is qualify). Mollee is bean reel cheeky correcting ma spelling!
For all the peepleels who has bean part of ma life for neerly 6 yeers now, kens that I am a lover and no a fighter, but ah do get rite fed up with sum hoomans - there are sum reel strange ones out there in the wurld. Ma pet hate in hoomas is sneeks and those who wiff two faces that tell lies. Last week sumone ah kens wiz cott out bean a sneek and telling lies, but fing is this, hoomans who do this are lower than a snakes belly and they are not the types of hoomans ah want in ma life! Ah kens many of ewes kens the story and contacked us, all ah wood like to say is that, ewe are rite, they have pure shot themselves in the paws!! (Molle says ah spelt the word 'paws' rong, but ah best no tell ewe what the wurd shood be!). No sneek or liars are welcome in ma world and neever is the hoomans who think that is ackseptable. They have showed themselves up in a very bad way and they have made themselves rite unpopular wiff a lorra lorra peepells - so go hang ewer head in shame fur bean a low life.
Rite Mum has a very impotants meeting wiff a very important man who is helping Mum wiff the ray of hope appeal, so am eggsited for her. I'm saving up all ma pocket money (well after crufts that is), so that ah can bye sum of the fings bean pledged for the ockshon!! And remembers to look out all ewer picktoors of ewer babes for the photo compeetishon - dont get confoosed with the copycat fundraising - mine is rayofhopeappeal.co.uk
Fanks and have a grate time if ewe is going to Crufts.
Love big Presley the King xx

Its Mee hear Big Presser!!

2011-02-05T13:51:00.000-08:00

Hullo all ewes, ah hope ewer noo yeer is going betters than mine - ah have spent the past foo weeks in the Cooler again, ah swear thats the troof. Eye ah no, ewes just cannee beeleeve it, but its troo. See fing is this, ah havenae dun anyfin too terrible, ah have just bean mee! Mum says its to do wiff 666 - ma age this yeer, mollees age this yeer and wur cats name!
Mum has bean pure dead bizzee wiff work fings and shee has no bean well, but if she wont go to the Vet she will just have to stay ill.
Anyways ah have just sneeked oot the turd cell doon the hall to post this letter to ewe, cos ah knew everybuddee is missing mee. Ah have also got ma ane facebook page now, so thats cool, its beets ma Mum watchin everyfin a rite. Hundreds of peepells have contackted mee asking fur help wiff there spelling, cos they cannee spell rite, so mee bean mee, says ah wood help - lets face it, the yooff of today need to be tott proper Engerlish, cos they dont seem to be tott rite at school. Thats ma noo misshon in life today, to teech proper spelling. Mollee finks ah shood bye a dickshonary, but I'm sure I'll get bye if ah get stuck on big long wurds.
Well ah must get back into ma cell, all ma cells mates are doing reel well, especially ma sister Roobee, she is a pure babe. Bazil Brush is still fat, Big Mac is also fat, and wee Stanlee the cat is also fat - but see mee, ah wiz built fur speed - just like a Greyhound or Lurcher. Wate wan minit, ah am a Lurcher!! Oh well thats good, that meens a look like ah shood.
Rite I'm away, hugs to all ma babes, and just fink - Leap Frog Seeson is just around the corner :-) xx Love frum Presley the King xxxx

Out wiff the old in wiff the noo!

2010-12-31T09:16:00.000-08:00

Hullo Lords, laidee's and fannee's its mee hear big Presley. Ah have ritten Lords, cos see ma Mum, one of hur customers wiz a reel Lord and ah fink hee maybee's be reedin ma blog.
Anyways, ah wood just like to say that those reeding ma blog are the nicest peepells that have red ma blog todae. I gets masell getting all neuropathological (Mollee says the wurd is Nostalgic, but am no sure), anyways, ah have bean finkin aboot what has happined over the past yeer.
Ah wood likes ewes all tae take a moment two remembers ma lovely big bruver Wizard, better kent as Wizzee Wonga, who went to heaven in Martch this yeer. Ah wood like to fink that Wizzee is having a rite nice time in heaven and pure causing chaos and making them all laff like he did when he wiz hear. He will be running about wiff big Ivor and all the udder dogs that is in heaven, and big Wizzee will always bee in charge. Heavens gain is oor loss.
There have bean lots of nice fings happen this yeer, wiff fings like ma Feeonsee winning everyfin going at the Whippey shows - she is pure the number one bootee queen. Ma love child Coalman is going to Crufts wiff his Mum, ma Feeonsee Rag.
Roobee is still doin reel well and ah loves her very mutch. There wiz sooooo many good fings that happened this yeer ah havenae got the times to rite everythin.
Noo wate till ah tells ewe sumfin aboot nexx yeer, noo am no Psycho, but there is two significant fings happening. There will bee a Royal Wedding in April - thats all am saying AND mee and Mollee will be six. Noo ewe's are wundering why that is significants, well ah will be 6, Mollee will be 6, and we have a cat called 6 - so that makes 666 - the same as the tattoo ah have!! How cool is that?? Ah feel a rite good yeer coming on and look out for the numbers 666 and fink of mee. May ewes all have food in ewer belly's and water too drink, be happy, love and laff lots in 2011. Lots of love Big Presley the King xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Kissmass Song fur ma Da

2010-12-24T22:27:00.000-08:00

Hullo and Merree Kissmass to all ma babes. Noo, see mee, am always singing songs aboot ma babes, so ah fott as it wiz kissmass times, ah wood rite won aboot ma Dad. Pleese sing-a-long to Winter Wunderbra oops sorree Winter Wunderland - fank ewe, Have a merry kissmass Love Big Presley the King of Babes. xxxxxxxxx

Lacee fings, ma Mum is missin
Da didnae ask, for her permisshon
He's wearing her clothes,
her silk pantee hose
Walking round in Mum's underware

In the drawer, there's a teddee
With little straps, like spagettee,
It holds him so tite
Like handcuffs at nite
Walking round in Mum's underware

In the office there's a guy named Gregg
he pretends to fool around
he'll say "Are your redee?"
Da says "Woah man! Lets wait until Dawn is out of town"
Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress like Madonna
Put on some eye shade, and join the parade
Walking round in Mums underware.

Lacee fings, is a missin
Didnae ask her permisshon
Wearing her clothes, her silk pantee hose
Walking round in Mums underware
Walking round in Mums underware
Walking round in Mums underware

Mum is diggin her ane grave!

2010-12-18T14:26:00.000-08:00

See mee, see ma Mum, well sumtimes she can bee reel funnee but ah fink she upsets ma hooman Pa. See fing is this, ma hooma Granpa is a bit of an Artist - no the type of Artist that ma Dad is, ma hooman Granpa is a reel painter artist and he has even sold sum picktoors. Noo he hasnae sold as many picktoors as Van Cock or made as mutch money and he sure hasnae cut his ane ear off, but he does no bad considering he is pure dead old. He is in loads of Artee Fartee clubs and his hoose has hunners of picktoors on the walls. (yuck!).
Anyways what happined was this, Mum an Dad took ma hooman Granpa oot fur sum lunch and the restoorant theys were in had covered the picktoors on the wall wiff kissmass paper and bows to make it look kissmassee, as though Santa Paws had hung his pressess on the wall. So ma Mum says "Oh that looks rite cool" and Dad and Granpa agreed it wiz rite nice. Then ma Mum says "Oh Dad, ewe cood doo that wiff all ewer picktoors at home"!!!! Ah swear that is the troof, ma Dad didnae ken where too look, but see ma Granpa he fott it wiz a pure dead funnee fing to say and he laffed - until............... he fott about what ma Mum had said. See ma hooman Granpa ah felt pure sorree fur him, but ah will lets ewe ken if he took ma Mums advice. Bye for noo, Big Presley xxxxxxxxxxxx

A Horrid fing happined too Charlee

2010-12-10T22:10:00.000-08:00

Am up errlee todaes Mollee wants to go mouse hunting. Fing is this ah wiz sittin hear pure bean cool and surfin the nett and ah wiz socked to reed aboot Charlee and Cameelion bean attacked. Noo see mee, ah dont normallee's get masel involved in Politicks cos it's no ma fing unless it is to do wiff aneemals or royaltee fings that wood affeck mee. Ah fott to masell if Prince Charlee cood bee attacked wit wood these Neds do to a King. Noo fing is this, the neds that attacked the Prince wiz protestin that all the hard working peepells of the country shood pay more of their tooishon fee's fur them to spend at the pub. In princeepal ah fink its a good idear fur tax payers to pay fur everyone to go to the pub, in fact ah fink it wood help ma Mum and Dad if drinks in pubs were free, but lets face it, am reel smart and that is no going to happen - ah mean, how wood the pub owners pay fur fings like peenuts and crisps, if no buddee paid fur their drinks. When ah went to primaree dog skool, ma Mum had to pay fur it - shee paid deerlee and is still paying - but she didnae expect anybuddee to pay fur mee to be reel cliver. Even when I went to high skool ma Mum paid fur that two. Ah wiz so cliver there wiz no point in mee going to Universitee, so Mum didnae have tae worree aboot payin fur that and look how well ah have done fur masell. Do ewes ken Lord Allan Soogar and Richard Branston Pickle, well they admires mee soo mutch they wanted to bee just like me and didnae even bover going to skool and they's dun no bad fur themsells. Ah fink they stoodents who attacked Prince Charlee and his Cameelion shood be locked up fur all the damages theys has caused, after all thats wit happened to mee, ah wiz locked up in Lan Ark open prizon fur causing damages to fings. That tott mee a valuable lesson in life, if ewe is going to damage fings make sure ewe dont get cott, udderwise ewe will be poot in prizon. This is ma message to all the stoodents oot there: The wurld does not owe ewes a rite to go to Universitee, if ewes cannee afford tae sit in the pub getting drunk all day then get a job, get a life, stop moanin, cos the country is alredee in a rite b..........y mess due to fudd's who went to universitee and are noo running the country. King Presley the Fillosifer. xx

A noo compeetishon

2010-12-03T10:56:00.000-08:00

Fur a chance to win a kissmass hat and scarf fur ewer dog or poosee cat this is ma compeetishon. The furst 2 dogee peepells to win and the furst cat persun to win will win. Cool.

This is ma questions witch ewe can replys to on ma facebook.

1 Wit iz ma reel bruver called?
2 Where do ah live?
3 What is Smallee's reel name
4 What is ma Feeonsee called
5 What does ma Mum do fur a living
6 How many poosee cats do ah have
7 How many pets in total live wiff mee
8 What is ma love child called
9 How old is mee and Mollee
10 How old is ma Feeonsee

All the ansurs are on ma blog - fanks love big Presser xxxxxxxxxxx

Kissmass List

2010-12-02T03:51:00.000-08:00

Hullo its mee hear big Presley - now fing is sumtimes peepells fink am no a good boy, but ah am a good boy and ah fink aboot ma Mum all the times. Well the udder day ah found ma Mum's wiss list fur kissmass presents . So ah looked at the list, and ah didnt know wit sum of the fings were so ah got the nexx best fing. Ah have hidden thems in ma bed, so that it will be a surrprise on kissmass day, but ah fink she will be reel pleesed wiff what ah have got hur.

1. Space NK soap - am no sure wit this is, so ah got hur a Brillo Pad - it shood work a treet on hur face cos its good fur removing make-up.

2. Montblanc Pen - am no sure wit this is, but ma choo's look like pens so ah kept ma choo fur hur.

3. Grouse - we dont see many grouse round here, so ah fott ah wood give hur the crow that Mollee killed last monff.

4. Noo Belt fur hur denims - am no sure where to get wan of these, so ah will give hur ma extra long leed, that shood just aboot go round hur waste.

5 Chocolates - Ah cant get chocolates so ah fott ah wood give hur a box of bits of ma dinner cos she is always tellin me that ma dinner looks just as good!

6.New Mouse for hur compooter - Ah kens that there is a half eeten one in the garden that ma Mollee killed by mistakes - ah fink he wiz Mr Jingles No. 83.

7. Noo dinner plates - ah fott that cos ah keep breaking the plates, that ah wood give ma mum the same bowls as wee have, they is called staneless steels. Ah couldnt give hur one of mine, cos ah woodnt get any dinner, so ah stole the cats bowl.

Ah fink ewes will agree that am a rite good boy and Mum will be reel pleesed. This is a picktoor of ma pressents. Bye the way, the knife is no fur ma Mum, ah keeps that fur seecoortiee in case sumone breaks in. Ah have always done this since ah wiz a puppee growing up in Glesga.

A Snowwww Poem fur ma facebook pals!

2010-12-01T09:42:00.000-08:00

Sing along wiff the toone to 'Walkin in a Wintur Wunder Land'

Dogs bowls chime and am listenin
On the road snow is glistening
A need a big s....e, before I'll bee happee tonite
Socking is this Wintur Wonderland

Gone away is ma last burd
Here to stay is ma noo burd
Ah sings a love song, As wee go along
Socking is this Wintur Wonderland

In the garden ewe can build a snowman
And I'll preetend that he is Fathur Brown
He'll say "Are Ewe Marreed Presley"
I'll say "No Way Man"
But ewe can do the job when Rags in town

Later on, we'll perspire
As we play leapfrog by the fire
To face Antee Nora unafraid
Wiff the puppee's that we made
Socking is this Wintur Wonderland

Boom Boom - love big Presley xxxx

Problem Solved -stay safe in the Snow!!

2010-12-01T01:23:00.000-08:00

Now see fing is, ah made it ma life time ambishon to torture ma Mum fur giving ma bruver Aaron away and ah fink ah have made a good job of sending hur around the twist over the past 5 yeers (and everybuddee else who kens mee). But see fing is, ah fink fings have got rite out of hand. See after a long hard days, sumtimes ma Mum likes to reelaxx wiff a glass or free of wine and shee likes to do hur impershonastion of ma Da. For those who havenae seen ma Mums impershonastion of ma Da, it involves being inco-hearant when he speeks, dribbling and making funnee noises from half way doon his bodee (Mollee says am no aloud to use the wurd f*rt). Anyways, ma Dad wiz worreed that if ma Mum went oot tae work in hur car in all the snow, that she cood get stuck and wee woodnae see hur again fur days, maybee even monffs if wees were reelee luckee. So he got hur noo stickers for hur car, no wan, no too, but free stickers, so that anybuddee going to helps hur woodnae miss wit the problem wiz. He only went and got hur stickers advertising Alcohollicks Annonomus!! Ah swear that is the troof!! The sticker reeds sumfin like this...... If ewer car has broken doon or ewe has bean involved in an acksident, AA should be ewer first point of call for assisstanse - reesult or wit!!. In order to ressussitate the driver of this veehickle, pour sum loobricant doon the drivers froat, like wines or brandee's - thats should do the trick. How cool is that??

Horror of DRUGGIN dogs at Lan Ark Open Prizon!

2010-11-29T23:26:00.000-08:00

Hullo all ewes, wate till ah tell ewes ma storee, this is troo and socking! Yesterdaes wee's went to visit the Vet Docktor, but wee wiznae hurted and wee wiznae ill so wee didnt need to be eggsamined. Ma Mum wiz talkin to the Vet Docktor (ah calls him the Minister, but that is a disguise fur his ill eagle goings on) and he gave ma Mum a bag wiff huge white pills in it! See fing is this, ah watches all the Pollis programmes on the TV's and ah kens all aboot Speed, Crack and Anfetameens, and am sure ma Mum bott drugs!! Ah kens ewe is all socked - cos after alls, ma Mum is daft eenuff wiffoot taking drugs. Anyways, sumfin happined at the Vet Docktors witch ah will tell ewes aboot 2morros, but it wiz soooooo funnee that mee an Mollee forgot aboot the Drugs. So last nite mee and Mollee's wiz sitting wathing Coppers on the Tellys, and ah herd Mum sayin to Dad "OMG ah forgot to give 'u know wit' to Presser and Smaller"!! Ma Da said "OMG ewe is pure a nutjob". Noo, ah kens it wiznae an errlee kissmass present, but ah didnae ken wit it wiz. So nexx fing Mum comes in wiff 2 of her best china bowls and in thems wiz ice screams and bannanna's. Then she pure says in her poshest acksent "Oh Pressleee oh Mollllleee look wit Mummee has fur ewe"!! See mee ah smelt a Rat and ah says to Mollllleee, have wee bean good today? Nope wiz the ansur, cos wee laffed at sumfin at the Vets that wee shouldnae have laffed at. But wee's ate wur ice scream wiff grate gusto - then ah spots them hidden in the bannnnanas - the DRUGS!!!! Ah ken wee wood not be given sumfin nice to eet when it wiznae even kissmas times yet. So see mee am cliver and ah ate all ice screams and left the drugs. Ah have a feeree and ah fink Mum wanted a long lie in hur bed, so she tried to Drug us, but she pure failed. Mollee says shee finks they were fur Worms, but these drugs were soooooo big a worm wood have pure choaked on thems. So ah fink it wiz to subdoo mee and Mollee. It got mee to finkin, maybe ah cood be a drug search dog in the Pollis or at the airports. This is a picktoor of the eevidense of them tryin to drug us!! Ah wiz such a smart dog that ma Mum gave mee and Mollee a speshall treet laters of Corned Beef and she said "eet up Presley ewe is ah a GOOD boy"!!

Undercover Boss UK

2010-11-29T02:55:00.000-08:00

Hullo all ewes, its mee hear Big Presser - ah always says that incase an imposster is using ma compooter! Wee's were watching a programme on tellys last night aboot a boss of a burger company in Americas and what he did wiz to go in disguise and get a job in his ANE companee! Ah swear that is the troof - he pure did sum poor geezer out of a job filling burger buns - ah fink that wiz sellfish of him. Anyways it got mee finkin, and ah fink it wood be a good idear if ma Mum did the same fing with hur companee. Noo, lets not be sillee about this and fink it frew. She wood need to wear a wig or sumfin so that nobuddee kent her, then she could put on a funnee voice when she ansurs the fone - eye ah meen an udder funnee voice and no the wan she usually uses. Then she cood pure get in hur car and drive to peepells houses, but they woodnae ken it wiz ma Mum who is normallees the Direcktor, Marketing Manager, Accountant, Seckreetaree, Counseelor, Reeceptionist, Telefonist, Tea Maker and Cleener of her umpire called the Pet Undertaker. When ma Mum got back home, she cood pure fink aboot everyfin that happened and see where she needs to make improovments or see if she is doin anyfin rite. Ah fink that wood be a reel good eggsersise fur her and wood also make sure she isnae wastin time on udder fings that are no necessaree. Ah will ask ma Dad to videeo it, so it looks reel offentick and ah will put it where all ma Mums videeos end up on EWE TOOBE! Am away to help Mum wiff her disguise. Lots of Love big Presley xx

Happee Birffday to ma Princess Rag

2010-11-28T10:16:00.000-08:00

My Princess Rag is FORE todae!! HAPPEE BIRFFDAE MA PRINCESS FEEONSEE. XX
Now ewe all kens mee and ewe all kens how mutch ah loves ma No.1 babes, but see fing is, see ma Rag she is very speshall cos she is ma Feeonsee and wee have a Love Child twogether called Coalman - he even looks like me and is reel cliver too. Now see fing is am a King of princeepals and ah wood like to let ewes all into a seecret. Ah fink that there will be a Royal Wedding nexx year - thats all am sayin. Ah fink the 29th of April will bee a good day fur it. :-) Now pleese dont tell ma Mollee, cos she diznae ken aboot it. If any of ewes can get the day off work fur the Royal Wedding pleese let me ken.
Ah hopes ah gets to see ma Rag soon so that ah can wiss her a happee birffday in person. :-) xxxxxxx
Ah loves ewe Princess Rag, love frum King Presley ewer Feeonsee xxxx

Ewe is the Weekest Link - Goodbye!!

2010-11-27T01:26:00.000-08:00

Hullo all ewes, its mee hear Big Presser or King Presley to ewes. See me, ah have wanted to rite to ewes fur ages but ma Mum has bean so bizzee wiff fings that ah wiznae aloud on the compooter. Ah says to hur my fannee's will fink ah have forgotten thems, its no a Slog its a Blog and theys is waitin to here from there King! So hear ah am back wiff ma troo storees.
Pure hunners has happened to mee since ah last rote to ewes, ah took spellin lessons so even ma spellin has improoved. But ah will bring ewes up to date wiff socking noo's. (if ewes are on ma facebook ewe may have herd sum of this, so am sorree, but ewe will need to here it again).
Aboot free weeks ago ma Mum wiz invited to go to the BBC (ah fink that stands fur Beech Babe Collection or sumfin), to see if shee wiz smart eenuff to go on the Weekest Links. Anyways ah telt hur no tae do it, but she fott it wiz fur charitee and says she wood go. Well ah swears to masell, wit wiz she finkin, ah meen ah wood be offended if sumone said to me do ewe want to come fur an ODDISHON!! Cos see mee am no ODD! But I guess it wiz rite up ma Mums street and off she pure goes, but ah new it wid all end in teers! To cut a sad storree short, she got picked, ah guess that confirms how odd she is. Last Chewsday they filmed her and all the udder odd peepells who work wiff anemals. They telt them it wiz an anemal special and the questions wood be aboot anemals! Cool, ah fott ok, ma Mum wood do ok wiff that. No Chance!! They pure conned hur, cos ma Mums questions were no aboot anemals, but ma Mum fott hur questions were trick questions and looked a total plonker! She got free questions in the 1st round and free questions in the 2nd round, that equals Six, but cos she was finkin the questions wur aboot anemals she pure messed up big style - Fantastick if ewes ask mee - and she wiz pure the Weekest Links and wiz booted off by the rite smart a......'s who only answered a total of 4 questions and even got thems rong!!. When Fanny Anny Robinson (as ah call hur) asked thems why theys had voted ma Mum off, they says cos she got an Anemal questions rong! Am no aloud to tell ewes aboot the show, but the plonkers that voted ma Mum off were even ficker than ma Mum, cos it wiz History and TV questions she got rang - she wiznae asked an Anemal question. See ah telt ewes it wood all end in teers. But fing is see ma Mum she may be fick, but she is a good sport, cos she didnae get upsets at the fact that the entire wurld will see she is fick as mince. Fanny Anny didnae speek to ma Mum, cos she kent that ma Mums only good qualitee is being good at Banter. Mollee says Mum is also good at being a *it. Ah says ah cannee say that aboot ma Mum, but Mollee acktuallee said she wiz good at Wit and no what a fott she said. :-) (that wee symbol is a smile!). Well am away the noo, cos ah have fings to do - am having problems wiff ma back bottom, butt ah will let ewes ken how it goes! Lots of love to ewes all frum King Presley xxxxxxxxxxx

Cleen up ewer act big Presser!

2010-11-26T02:25:00.000-08:00

Hullo its mee hear, wate till ewe here this troo storee. Aboot 1 yeers ago, a Scottish noo's paper says they were looking fur blog storee's fur there paper. Ah cannee tell ewes witch paper it wiz, but ah fott to masell, thats cool, ah will let them reed ma blog. But fing is this, ma Mum says that ma blog wiz fur Adults to reed and no sootable fur childrens, so if ah wanted to let thems reed ma blog ah wood have to cleen up ma act and take oot all ma bad wurds. It took me b......y ages to do that cos sumtimes ah tell it as it is and sumtimes that meens ah use norty wurds, cos am just me King Presley. Noo the fing is, the paper wanted good storee's cos the twa dugs that rote the blog every b........y week in the paper were mega, mega, mega boring. All they ever did wiz go to the park, they didnae even have a personalitee's like mee. Ah felt sorree fur thems cos theys has a boring life, but if they had red ma blog they cood have found out how to have a life.
Anyways ah cleened up ma blog and even then they didnae want it, cos ah wood have made thems look sillee. Now that ah kens that no kids (babee goats) or childrens will reed this, ah can bee masell again. So fing is this if ewe is eesilee offended, ah suggest ewe reed there slog and no ma blog. The King is BACK!! lots of love Big Presley the King of Lurchers and lover of the beech babes. xxxxxxxxxx

Grate Tits!

2010-11-25T02:46:00.000-08:00

Now that the snoow is coming back ma Mum gets worreed aboot the burds in the garden, cos they is not gettin eenuff to eet. So ma Mum always puts food oot fur them in the shape of balls. She says the burds like balls! One day ma Mum says shee seen a rite odd burd in the garden and shee didnae ken wit type it wiz and she fott it wood be a good idea to bye a book wiff picktoors of burds in it so she wood ken wit all the burds were called. Thats a cool idear ah fott, cos ma Dad also likes looking at picktoors of burds. Butt what we didnae bank on wiz ma Dad's knowledge of burds espeshally of Tits. Noo wate wan minit, let mee eggsplane!!! One day ma Mum and Dad wiz lookin oot the windae and ma Mum spots an odd burd and shee says to ma Dad "look there is that odd burd". Ma Dad didnae see the burd that ma Mum was pointing at and said "that is a Grate Tit!!!". But see mee, ah fott he said to ma Mum 'dont bee a grate t...'! Mollee wiz pure laffin her head off. Ma Mum looks at ma Dad and says wit do ewe kens aboot Tits, and he says he pure new the difference between a Grate Tit and a Bloo Tit. See mee ah wanted to stick up fur ma Mum, cos ah kens that ma Mum kens the difference beetween them too!! Mollee says am no aloud to tells ewes how ma Mum kens the difference, but what a want to know is how ma Dad kens the difference. If ah find out ah will lets ewe ken, but that is an udder troo storree frum me big Presley. xxxx

The most socking storee ever!!

2010-04-22T23:22:00.000-07:00

Hullo all ewes, sorree ah have no bin on hear fur a while, but fing is, ma Mum has bean bizzee wiff work and fings and am no aloud on the compootar when she is working.
But ah have tae tell ewes about the most SOCKING fing ah have seen in ma hole life.
Ewe all kens ah like Lams and this is the times all the Lams are in the feelds. Well ah wiz oot in the car wiff Mollee and ma Mum - ma Mum wiz driving, cos it wiz her turn tae drive. Anyway, ah says "Oh Mollee look at all they pure dead brilliant lams" and wee were reel happee tae see them. Well, the nexx day wee wiz back oot in the car and wee seen the same Lams, but ewes will no beeleeve wit had happined to them. Dooring the nite someone had pure only gone and VANDALISED them, Ah swear that is the troof!!! Theys were all covered in Graffeetee!!! Sum had red numbers ritten on thems in red paint.
Ah says tae ma Mollee that wiz the most socking thing ah had ever seen in the hole of ma life.
Who wid do sutch a bad fing to little Lams? Am no sure, but if ah ever see's who dun that to the Lams ah will report thems to the Pollis. Mollee wiz pure crying in the car when she seen wit happined to them Lams and ah fink she wanted to try and clean them, cos she wiz like pure licking her lips just looking at them. Ah fink this eggsperience has affected mee mentally and ah fink ah will have to go fur sum professional help to get over it.
If any of ewes kens who wid do sutch a bad fing to a Lam, will ewes pleese let me no and ah will reports thems to the Pollis. Fank Ewe, lots of love a very disturbed King Presley and wee Smalllee - thats ma noo name for Mollee Wallee!!

Fessant Plucker!

2010-04-04T09:44:00.000-07:00

One day Mollee fot she herd sumone saying that our hooman Dad was a Fessant Plucker, but ah fot they said sumfin else. Anyways, today a Fessant came to wur door and Mollee fot it wiz wantin ma Dad to pluck it redee fur summer times. As ewes can see ma Dad sent it packin, so ah guess Mollee wiz rong, ma Dad is no a Fessant Plucker and ah herd rite. LOL xx

Happee Noo Yeers!!

2010-01-12T06:50:00.000-08:00

Happee New Years to all ma Babes and the udders who reeds ma blog.
Hullo all ewes, am sorree ah have no bean around, but ah prefers to play in the snow wiff ma Mollee than sit at ma compootar. Ah have also bean in the cooler again, cos ah stole a chokolatt cake and did a foo udder fings that are no even wurff menshonin.
We have an ex foster cat living wiff us just now - her name is Smokee - she is cool, but she is only hear fur a holidae! Eye ah swear that is the troof - who in the rite mind wid want tae come tae Lan Ark Open Prizon fur a holidae! The cat is pure barkin mad if ewes ask mee.

Wee have lots of eggsiteting fings arranged fur this yeer and ah will tells ewes all aboot them as they happens. I'm no wantin ewes to get too eggsited yet, so ewes will have to wate. Wan fing ah can tell ewes is that ma Feeonsee is still winnin everyfin at the dog shows and our 'love child' Coal Man has bean in a dog show. He wiz pure the bizzness and he is the wan tae watch in the footure.

Noo ah wid like to wiss ma Antee Noras a HAPPEE BIRFFDAY, noo its no her birffday until Fursday, but am no soor wit am dane on Fursday and ah dont want tae miss it.

Ma Mum is working hard on writing lots of pet fings so thats cool and ma Dad is working hard wiff udder fings. Ma Big bruvers and ma big Sistur Roobee, they is no working hard, theys is just loving life.
Mum and Dad have booked their holleedays, but its no fur a long times yet, so ah have plentee of times to arrange ma partees, with ma babes!!
Ah will speek soon and maybee's even tell ewes a foo funnee storees.
Love fae Big Presley the King xx

2009-12-23T23:03:00.000-08:00

Hullo all ewes oot there
This is what a fink wee will bee doing on Kissmass Day.
04.30am Ma Dad will get up - no beecos HE is Santa Paws, but cos he will go tae work. Mee and Mollee will spends sum time in the exercise yard looking fur yellow snow cos this may bee eveedense of Rane Dears!
Noo if we find eveedense, ah will shout at the top of ma voice 'SANTA PAWS HAS BEAN'!!
This serves no purrpuss, udder than to annoy the nayburs kids - cos Santa Paws may not have bean to there hoose by that time.
06.30am Ma Mum will get up and the big dogs (Mac, Roobee, Wizzee and Bazil) will go and look fur eveedense of Rane Dears - but they will no find any cos, wee will have looked first and hid all eveedense!!
08.30am Wee will be moved from the Turd Cell to the Living Rooms to watch Lassee on tellys - Mollee always like a good cry on Kissmass Day.
15:00 This is when ah doo ma Kissmass speesh, and ah fank everybuddee fur a rite nice yeer. Ah also remembers all those who has a horreebell ehnnus. Thats latin fur sore back bottom. Wee sumtimes goes to the park, but am no sure if wee's will, cos ma Mum mite be called oot tae work.
20:00 Dad will come home tae see his Turkee - Mollee says am no aloud tae call Mum that, but that is the troof, and ah always tells ewe the troof. Last Kissmass mum and dad had a joint fur there kissmass, so ah will need to check and see if there is tin foil fur them tae use!
21:00 Mee and Mollee will get wur Kissmass dinner. Ah fink wee are havin, Deed Prawns followed by, mare Deed Fish and Rice wiff Phillips Steak, followed by a little sweet tart - (oh Mollee, where are ewe?).
Frew out the day, ah will see how many of ma Mum and Dads noo Kissmass presents that ah can choo - ah likes to do that, cos they pool rite funnee faces when they see's wit ah have dun.
22:00 Mee and Mollee will go back tae the turd cell and go tae wur beds - lites on. Eye, ewes fot ah wiz goin tae say lites off, but fing is this, fur punishment they leafs a little lite on, so that mee and Mollee cannee sleeps.
That is what mee and Mollee will bee doin on Kissmass day - cool eh?.
So ah hopes ewe all has a rite nice time toomorrow and ah hopes Santa Paws brings ewe all the fings that ewes dont need.
Pee Ess, Wee is playing a trick on Wizzee and wee have no telt him that its Kissmass - he finks its just an udder day at the Lan Ark open prizon. Noo wate wan minit befour ewes fink wee is reel bad. Cos fing is, last Kissmass wee had tae call oot the vet fur Wizzee, so wee dont want him too have nite mares remembering that. So, no noo collar or present frum Santa Paws fur him!!!.
Love fae Big Presley tae all ma beetches - have a rite nice Kissmass.

Socklng Storee!

2009-12-21T23:41:00.000-08:00

Hullo all ewes oot there, ah hopes ewes is looking forward to Santa Paws coming, cos mee and Mollee are. Ah sent ma list to him a foo weeks ago - ewes need to get in errlee, udder wise he will run oot of fings.

Anyways ah will tell ewe a socking storee and ah swear this is the troof. Last Sundae mee and Mollee and ma Mum and Dad wur dressed up like turkee's fur Kissmass in wur Santa Paws Soots and wee's went tae Princess Street in Edinburger fur tae colleck monee's fur all the Greyhounds at Royal Heart Greyhound Rescoo.

Noo fing is this, all the Pawperattsee were oot in their hunners taking picktoors of mee, ah wiz pure mobbed by all ma fannee's, so that wiz cool. But then SOCK!! Ewes will no beeleeve this, but nexx fing ah pure see's an udder black dog who wiz dressed sames as mee!! Eye that is troo, there is pure a King Presley IMPAWSTER on the loose in Edinburger.

He wiz standing in the shop window of ma Mums favorite shop Jenners looking oot at mee, wissing he wiz mee!!

Ah says 'hey, ewe is an impawster of mee', and he pure just stared back at mee.

So ah pure shouted at him and telt him to get himsell tae F....... (Faraway that is). Ewes will no beeleeve wit he did, he pure shouted back at me, telling me tae get masell tae Faraway in the same shout as ah do!

Antee Jennifurs and ma Mum pure laffed at this, but this wiz no funnee, coz this impawster cood move in on ma No.1 Beetches saying hee wiz mee when he wiznae mee.

This picktoor shows ewe mee pure looking at him standing in Jenners window. Ma Mollee says it wiz ma refleckshon, but ah dont want a refleckshon impersonating mee.

Pee Ess, Pleese do not give monee to this impawster or tell him witch buzz to take to see ma Feeonsee and Love Child. Fank Ewe. xx

Deer Rag ma Feeonsee

2009-12-15T08:30:00.000-08:00

See mee ah pure loves Kissmass, sept fur one fing, i'll no bee wiff ma Feeonsee Rag. So ah have rit a song fur hur. If ewes wid like tae sing along, ewe should sing ma wurds to the song
Kissmass Wiff Out Ewe by Dollee Parton and Kenny Rodgers

Kissmass wiff out ewe
S...te kissmass and am bloo
Like a greyhound needing the loo
Kissmass wiff out ewe

The fireplace keeps burning and ma fotts keep turning
The pages of ma memorees of time spent wiff ewe
Old kssmass snogs we knew, and bent polleese too
Make it hard to get used to, Kissmass wiff out ewe

Kissmass wiff out ewe
S....te kissmass and am bloo
I love ewe, I miss ewe
So sad but troo

Kissmass wiff out ewe
Like a horse wiff no shoes
Like ma Mum wiff no booze
Kissmass wiff oot ewe

Love frum big Presley the King xxx

ASBO at last!!

2009-12-13T14:55:00.001-08:00

Hullo all ewes oot there,
Grate Noo's, at last ma Mum and Dad have had an ASBO slapped on thems in public fur bean BAD peepells. Ah swear this is the troof!!!. Mollee is reel upsets, but see mee, ah fink its cool!!
See fing is this, ma Mum let mee use the compootur again, and ah wiz pure postin fings on a charratee forum, fur tae cheer peepells up and tells thems how a dog finks - rite, then ma Dad puts on a videeoh, of mee and Mollee in wur Santa Paws geer. Nexx fing sum 'Richard' (also kent as Dick), comes on and says she finks it looks two RUFF, and hoped that mee and Mollee did not suss-tane seerioss In-jew-rees!! Noo fing is, this 'Richard', does not post mutch on this forum, so ah finks, this is a pure 'Richard' posting!! She pure kens nuffin aboot mee and Mollee! Noo fing is this.... see if wee's wur a danger too eeach udder or two sumone else, ma Mum wid bee pure upset, but see mee, am no scaree, udder wise ah wid no have Big Mac, and Ikea as boddee guards. So ah has bean tryin to consoll ma Mollee and ah says ah will pure bite Richard nexx time ah see's hur fur tryin tae give mee and ma Mollee ah complexshon.
Ah does not like peepells who do fings like that and ah will no let ma Mollee feel bad.
Am no bovered wit peepells finks of mee - cos am the King - but no tae upset ma Mollee.
So, tae that 'Richard' who posted that doggee poo (udder wise known as CRAP), why dont ewe go away and get a life, or come an watch Mollee reelee given mee a tankin! Ah fink the wumin who posted on that forum said wee's were RUFF cos she wiz lookin in the MIRROR an no watchin ma Videeoh!
Love tae all ma fannee's frum Big Presley the King xxxxxxx.

Who go's, you decide??

2009-12-11T09:37:00.000-08:00

Hullo all ewes oot there,
Ewes will no beleeve wits happined. See how am always pure blamed fur bean a bad boy, well fing is am no the only bad boy that lives hear at Lan Ark Open Prizon.
Ah will tell ewes wit happined.
Sum of ewes will ken that Sixee Lixee (wur old cat) pure went an broke ma Mums noo eggspensive lamp. Ma Mum wiz neerlee cryin cos she only bott it aboot free weeks ago and she reel liked it, but she felt guiltee aboot how mutch monee she spent on it and even that wiz half price in a Sail. Thats troo.
Rite. Then at the sames times as she bott the noo lamp, she bott a huge big side bored for wur dinner eeting room. Noo ah kens wee dont have a dinner eeting room, wur dinner eetin room is where ma compootur is, but ma Mum is changing it back to an eetin room. So anyways, the room wid look rite sillee wiff only a table and chairs in it, so that is why she bott the side bored fingy to put hur bits in. Its oot in wur hall at the moment and nexx fing ah pure hears hur screeming (again!). Wur udder cats Stanlee and Hilda wiz sittin on the top of it and had pure scratched all the top. That set ma Mum off again, neerlee crying.
So ma Mum pure went oot fur a walk to stop hursell frum crying, but fing is, she only went and leff big Mac in the living rooms himsell. Noo Mac likes tae bee on his own, but only if wee are all there! So he pure panicked himsell, finking he had bean leff, and looked fur a way to escapes. He jumped up on ma Mums table - the solid oak wan shee bott last yeer - and he pure scratched all the surface reel deep, so it cannee bee fixed.
Noo at no times, did ah ever here hur sayin 'ewes is bad Mac' or 'ewes is a bad girl Six'.
But nexx fing is a chooed wan plastick pen, broke two glasses and chooed the remote control fing. And all hell broke loose, ah swear tae masell that is the troof. An the hole of Souff Lan Ark Shire pure herd ma Mum tellin me a wiz a bad boy!
So fing is there is no a fing left in this prizon that hasnae bean damage by wan of the dugs or the cats. Oh eye, ah forgot aboot the noo leather bed - that is pure scratched tae smiterines too.
But all ah wants tae ken is how come its always mee who pure gets into trubbles and no thems?
So ah fink ah should ask all ma fans the buring question. Who should go??
Who pure did the most damage? Mee, the cats or the udder inmates.
Pleese put ewer ansurs on a postcard and send them to mees at Lan Ark open prizon.
Pee Ess, ma name shood not be on the card, udder than the address bit.
Fank ewe
Love fae Presley xxx

I'm back!

2009-12-06T01:01:00.000-08:00

Hullo all ewes, Its mee hear big Presley,
Am rite sorree ah have no bin on ma compootur to talk tae all ma fanns, but see fing is, ah have bin doin a deegree. Yip, that is troo, ah swears tae masell. Ah have bin doing a deegree in the studdee of Bools. See wee had bools in the feeld nexx to us and ah fot that it wid bee a rite good oppertoonity tae studee them. Even Mollee will tells ewes ah am a master at talking bool!

Lots of udder fings have happined tae mee, ah have bin postin on ma Antee Rachels forum, witch is called Royal Heart Greyhound Rescoo, oh eye, and ah have bin in the 'cooler' at Lan Ark Open Prizon fur bean a bad boy. At telt every won aboot mee bean a bad boy and ah even shared ma prayer wiff thems. See fing is ma Mum got oot a measureing tape and pure worked oot how big ah wiz. Noo fur those that ken wit ma Mum does fur a living, that is no a nice fing to do tae me.
This is ma prayer - its called the Kings Prayer

Deer Fathur, am no sure who thou are
Lurcher bee thy name
Thy King has come
for what I have done
Give us wur dinner, and some daily bread
And forgive mee for bean heartless
As ah have forgiven udders who are heartless
Leed mee not into temptashon (again)
But deliver me from evil
For thy is the King, I have the power
While Mollee gets all the glory
Forever and ever
Adug.

Noo ewes can use ma prayer if ewe is in need of a little deevine intervenshon.
Ah will rite more toomorrows and tell ewes an udder storee.
Love fae Big Presley the King xx

Snookee goes tae Rainbow Bridge

2009-05-29T23:23:00.000-07:00

Hullo all ewes oot there its mee hear big Presley. Ah pure hopes ewes is enjoyin the nice sunnee weather, coz mee and Mollee pure loves it. But ah have rite sad noos fur ewes. Todae ma Mum and Dad are going tae ma Antee Frances's fooneral, but last nite ma Mum got a call frum Antee Frances's sistur, who had pure more bad noos. Little Snookee the cat pure stopped eeting anyfin when Antee Frances died last week and on Fursday she widnae even take watur. So fing is the vet docktur said that Snookee just wanted to go tae Rainbow Bridge tae bee wiff Antee Frances and Jade, so thats wit happined.

Antee Frances had telt everybuddee about how ma Mum had looked after Jade so well and wanted the same fing fur Snookee. Fing is Antee Frances didnae ken, she wid go befour Snookee. So noo ma Mum and Dad have two foonerals today, wan fur Antee Frances and wan fur Snookee, so theys will both go tae Rainbow Bridge toogether. Its kinda nice in a rite sad way.

Ma Mum wiz reel upsets, so mee and Mollee fot wee wid cheer ma Mum up a bit. So Mollee came up wiff the idear that wee's wid take up a noo hobbee. So Mollee picked 10 pin bowlin and ah picked rugbee. See fing is ah says tae Mollee where are ewe going tae find 10 pins, coz ma Mum disnae leaf pins lying around incase we get hurted. Then she said it wiznae played wiff pins, but it wiz played wiff a big heavee ball. So wee got hur a pink wan cos shee is a girl dug and shee can noo play Wan Pin Bowlin - that pure sounds like a Chineeese man or sumfin and am no wan of they ratio peepells that disnae like udders frum an udder countree.

Nexx fing ah found a Rugbee ball in ma garden, way to go man, how cool wiz that?

This is Mollee wiff hur noo 1 pin bowlin ball.

Wee's have a picktoor of Mollee aboot tae take a shot, but fing shee wiz so far away, fur tae take a rite good shot, ewe couldnae see hur wiffout ewer glasses on!

Ah will let ewes see a picktoor of mee wiff ma Rugbee ball when ah rememburs where ah left it.

Hope ewes are all ok and no sad like ma Mum, Love fae Big Presley the Rugbee player xxxx

Gone to Rainbow Bridge xxx

2009-05-25T09:09:00.000-07:00

Hullo all ewes oot there is mee heer big Presley. Noo fankfoolee wee havenae had an udder visit frum the Polish Guide in the turd cell, but he did break an udder glass todae, so hee's no gone back to spookee land yet.
Wees have bin rite sad fur a foo days hear at the open prizon in Lan Ark, cos see the fing is, an old friend of ma Mums has gone tae Rainbow Bridge tae bee wiff hur little dog that died last year. Noo see the fing is sum of ewes will ken the storee aboot ma half cat bruver called Denzil. He wiznae half a cat, but he wiz half a bruver! If ewes ken the storee aboot Denzil ewes will ken that hee died reel uneggspecktedlee after havin a stroke and the Vet Docktur asked ma Mum if Denzil had ever in his hole life bean involved in a bad acksident and hurted his heed. Ma Mum says that Denzil had niver had an acksident when he lived wiff hur, but maybees hee did befour.
Ma Mum wiz rite upset when Denzil died and she foned ma Antee Frances. Ma Antee Frances knoo Denzil befour he adopted ma Mum, and it turned oot shee said 'yes, Denzil pure did have an acksident and banged his heed'. Thats when ma Antee Frances had looked after Denzil and made him all betturs. Antee Frances also had a dog called Jade and a cat called Snookee. Poor Jade had bin reel bad aboosed as a wee dug - Jade wiz a hairy Jack Ruzzell and Frances got her frum..... wate fur this...... a Greyhound charitee!! Ah swears ta masell that is the troof. Anyway, wee Jade went tae Rainbow Bridge on 5th Febrooaree last yeer - ma hooman grate grans birffdae - try and keep up pleese!! Ma Mum has bin friends wiff Frances fur yeers noo, and wiz pure devastated to heer onlee a foo monffs ago that Snookee had cancer. Frances pure loved ma Mum and Dad and said, when Snookee goes, ah wants ewe to look efter hur, just like ewe did wiff Jade.
Mum and Dad were ment to go and visit Frances a foo weeks ago, but foned tae say ma Mum coulnae make it cos she had tae work, but tae give Snookee a big hug.
Well it wiznae ment tae be, coz ma Mum got a fone call on Friday tae say that ma Antee Frances wiznae well, she had taken wan of they Annewerism fings in the brain and wiz in hospeetals. Sadlee Antee Frances didnae make it and deesided on Saturdae tae go and bee wiff Jade at Rainbow Bridge.
It turns oot that Snookee wiz taken tae the vet on the Friday, and ma Mum foned Franceses son and said shee wid look efter wee Snookee furever. Am no soor wits happined tae Snookee, maybees ma Mum wiz too late, but if no, wee's will be getting an udder poosee cat tae live wiff us.
To ma Antee Frances, wee's all pure loved ewe, espeshally the biskits ewe allways had in ewer pocket fur mee and Mollee and Mac. Fur all the love ewe gave ma big bruver Kaz and fur all the love ewe geed tae make wee Denzil bettur when he wiz hurted. Mee and Mollee still plays wiff all Jades toys that ewe gave us and wee will niver forget ewe.
Nite, nite Antee Frances, pleese give Jade a big hug fae us all, and ah swear on ma ane life, that wee will rite look efter Snookee if its no too late. If its too late, ewe will ken befour us.
Love fae big Presley The King xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Polish Guide in wur hoose

2009-05-22T08:11:00.000-07:00

Hullo its mee, ah have bin reel bizzee coz ah fink wee have a Polish Guide in wur hoose. Noo let mee eggsplane. Ewes ken ah reel likes spookee fings, well niver in a zillion yeers did ah fink ah wood have ma very ane Polish Guide, but its troo ah swears tae masell. Noo, fur unedoocated peepells, a Polish Guide is wan of they spooks who frows fings about the room, but hees no called Mr Sheen. Ma Mollee says wan of they spooks is called a Polltis Heist or somefin, but shee disnae ken mutch, cos a Polltis is sumfin fur a plook and a fink a heist is when ewes steel sumfin like bank robbers do, so ewes widnae want tae pure steel a plook.
Anyways, wit happined wiz thiz. Ma Mum wiz in wur cell. Wees are in the turd cell doon. Ma Mum wiz there wiff Mollee and mee and big Mac. Wee's wur beehind hur and Mollee wiz standin at the door oot tae the exercise yard. Next fing Big Mac pure cries oot, and he looks at mee. Ma Mum fot ah had pure hurted him or sumfin. But then shee seen wan of hur drawers wiz hangin doon. No, honest that is the troof. Noo this wiz wan of hur drawers that shee keep tools in, the wans shee uses when shee is making ma Dads dinner. Noo wur drawers are only aboot two yeers old so they shouldnae bee fallen doon allreddee. Ma Mum says oh how did that pure happin, and closed the drawer. Then she pure cuddells Mac, giving it all this 'aw poor Mac, did ewe get a big frite' rubbish.
Aboot an hoor later, the flamin drawer, not only came oot itsell, but it pure floo across the cell and landed in the middull of the floor. Ma Mum herd the bang and came runnin into wur cell. She pure seen the drawer in the middull of the floor and wit dae ewe fink she says! She says 'oh Presley, ewe is a notty boy'. Wit??? Wit wiz all that aboot?? Mee, ah pure didnae do nuffin, it wiz the Polish Guide. See fing iz ma Mum didnae beeleeve mee, when ah says wee had a Polish Guide in wur cell, but then she pure tired to lift the drawer and shee seen ah couldnae posseeblee have pooled that oot and flung it across the room. But did she say 'oh am rite sorree Presley', No shee didnae! So ah wiz rongfoolee accoosed. Wee Mollee wiz pure cryin coz shee wiz rite affraid, she said one of us could bee hurted by the Polish Guide.
Noo ah swear it wiznae mee, ah have bin a reelee good boy this week. Ah have only broke, wan glass, wan mug, and stole the appell pie. Noo theys finks they will blame the work of a Polish Guide on mee tae.
Am going tae set up ma camera tae see if ah can pure captoor wur reel ghost on a picktoor.
Rite ah must go noo, coz ah am settin up the ghost busters teem fur laters.
Love tae big Presley the ghost huntur. xxxxx

Sockin Noos!

2009-05-19T00:38:00.000-07:00

Hullo all ewes oot there its mee heer big Presley. Mollee said ewes widnae rememburs mee, but ah says ewes wood. See fing is this. Ah have bin rite sad that the little burd floo away frum hur nest and sum one stole hur eggs. Ma Mum fot it wiz the crows and shee said she found eggshell at the crows tree. Wee are pure gutted wiff that. But wur neybur telt ma Mum no tae cry, coz it wiz still errlee eenuff in the seeson fur it tae build an udder nest. So thats cool.
Noo the udder fing is this, and this is reel sad, coz see fing is am in trubbles again. Diz ewes rememburs that ah telt ewe that ma Feeonsee Rag came tae see mee on Valentines day and wee pure kissed frew the bars of the open prizon. Well ah herd that Rag is noo pregnants wiff pups. Ah swear tae masell that is the troof!! Ah kens ewes is pure SOCKED, ah wiz pure SOCKED two!!
Noo see fing is am going tae bee a Dad and mee and Rag isnae even marreed yet! Ah hoped that the puppeees wid look like mee, but maybee best that they look like Rag and have ma Brains! That is probablee the best combinashon.
Noo that is no the sad fing. The sad fing is that Mollee said ah wiznae the Dad tae Rags puppees. She said it wiz a dog called Noah, like yon bloke fae the bible, that built a big boat. But ah dont fink that thats troo. So ah pure went on hungur strike! Ah swear tae masell ah did. Ah says ah wiznae going tae eet anymores dinners until Mollee stopped saying that ma Rag had pure cheeted on mee. So ma Mum telt Mollee no tae upsets mee and shee stopped sayin it fankfoolee, coz that ment ah could eet ma dinners. Ah wiz pure starvin, but ah wiz dane it fur a coz. Coz a coold. Az seen a picktoor of Rag and shee is like pure fat wiff her puppees. Am no normalees intae fat burds, but ah fink ma babe Rag looks pure the biziness and ah loves hur.
Talking of fat burds.... Mollee pure did time in the cooler two days ago. See wit happined wiz thiz. Ma Dad loves chicken fur his dinner. So when wan of the nayburs chickens came into wur gardin, Mollee fot it wid bee cool tae give it two ma Dad fur his dinner times. But see fing is, when she went tae pick it up she pure kilt it. Ah swear tae masell that is the troof. So wit did shee do, but pure dropped it and walked away. So ah picked it up tae give tae ma Dad, but first ah ran aroond the garden wiff it, tae show everyboddees how cool ma Mollee wiz. Mum and Dad wiznae pleesed wiff mee, so ah had tae dae time wiff Mollee in the cooler. Theys are so ungratefool. Thats why ah havenae bin aloud on the compootur. So ah have bin a good boy fur a hole day noo, so am aloud tae use the compootur again.
Ah will speek tae ewes all soon. Big, Big, Big hugs fur ma Feeonsee Rag - ah pure loves ewe.
Love fae big Presley the King xxx
Am away tae fink of names fur ma puppeees!

One floo oot the robins nest

2009-05-11T13:32:00.000-07:00

Hullo all ewes oot there, am rite sorree ah have no bin around, but see fing is, ah had a reel importants job tae do fur the past foo weaks.
Wit happined wiz thiz and ah swear tae masell, its an udder troo storee. Wees had two reelee massive kennel fings at the bottom of wur gardin and ah called them the coolers. Noo see fing iz ma Mum pure hated them and said they made hur eyes sore, cos she wiz always sayin to ma Dad, wee's need to get rid of they eye sores. Anyway, ma Unkill Davey is a joiner and he came doon to wur open prizon and he pure nocked wan doon. Unkill Davey is rite nice, but ah finks he is eesilee confoosed, coz hee said the kennel wiz raised to the ground! Noo fing is, how could that bee? If they were bean built, they wood be raised from the ground, but no raised to the ground, so ah fink ah will need tae have a wurd wiff him nexx time ah see's him aboot his ingillish. But thats no the storee ah wiz going tae tell ewes. See when hee went tae nock doon the udder kennel, he pure found a burds nest in it, so he stopped workin - any eggscoose will dae Unkill Davey fur a coffeee brake. It wiz a robins nest wiff 5 eggs in it. How eggsitetin is that eh?
So Unkill Davey couldnt disturb thems and he pit mee in charge of the seecooritee of the nest.
He said he wid come back and finish the job when the burds had pure flown the nest in a foo weeks.
The nest is rite high up, so ah canny see intae the nest, but ma Mum did manage tae get a picktoor of the burd in hur nest - shee took the picktoor frum miles away, so she didnae disturb thems.
Noo fing is, ah have bin pure sittin doon at the bottom of the gardin, all day pure guarding them eggs wiff ma life, and ah got ma Dad to check on thems a foo days ago and make soor theys were ok. Ewes will no beeleeve wit he said. This is a reel sock! Somewun had pure gone beehind ma back and stole 4 of the eggs! Ah swear that is the troof. Ah only had wan egg tae look efter and ma Mum wiz rite upsets.
Well noo fur the reelee sad noos. Ah have sat guardin the old kennel fur free weeks noo and ah havenae seen the mummy robin fur too days, an am rite upset, cos this wiz ma first job dane seecooritee and ah havenae bin paid yet.
Ma Mum also has bloo tits. Wate wan minnit!! Ah meens bloo tits in a nest, but they are reel safe coz they are in the old eggstractor vent in the wall of the prizon, rite beeside the turd cell where mee and Mollee lives. And, wee's has two crows nests in the big tree in the lane.
Noo ma feeree is that the crows have pure stole ma robins eggs, coz wee's disnae have any Magpies in wur gardin.
If ewes want to send a 'pleese come back' kard fur the robin, and sum monee fur mee tae bye it burd food, pleese send it to mee King Presley Cheef of Seecooritee at Lan Ark Open Prizon.
Ah will let ewe kens who stole the eggs, when ah find oot. Rite am off tae check on the emptee nest.
Love fae Presley the King xxx
Pee Ess, I will rite sum more toomorrows and tell ewe aboot ma brill day at the Costa Del Berwick, norff of Spane, neer ma Antee Noras.

Wit pig geed everyone the floo?

2009-04-27T10:07:00.000-07:00

Hullo all ewes oot there, its mee hear, big Presley. Noo, pleese disnae worree, its no mee and Mollee that has the pig floo. Wee is fine fanks, so ewes is no two worree. See sum of ewes fot that it must bee mee and Mollee that cot the pig floo cos ah havenae been around fur a while, but wees havenae bean tae Mexeeco. Well see fing is, ah have bin reelee bizzee wiff fings. Ah have dun so mutch, as disnae even ken where tae start, so ah will start wiff the most eggsiteting fing. Ah have a noo back pack fur ma holeedays. Its cool it haz Cheekee Monkee on it and it haz a seekret compartment fur ma Speedos. Mee and Mollee also got noo toys. Mollee got a poosee cat fing and ah got a dragon. So noo wee have two dragons hear, one fur mee and one fur ma Dad. Ah wiz rite pleesed tae see the old coolers bean knocked doon hear at the open prizon, so no more cooler fur mee!!! Well, one cooler has bean knocked doon but the udder one is still there and cannee bee knocked doon yet, coz sum burd has built a nest in it and ma Mum diznae want them pure disturbed. The good fing is, that wee's are getting wur very own swimmin pool in the gardin. Ah swears tae masell that is the troof. But ah herd ma Dad saying that he cannee wate until he's gets his crap in it. Eye, honest, that is wit he said. So ah fink ah will need sum doggells to proteck ma eyes befour ah go swimmin in wur noo pool. Ah will let ewes ken when wee gets wur swimmin pool and all the pure babes can come over tae mine fur sum skinnee dippin, but no collars pleese, onlee noodees aloud, so ewes dont get crap on ewer collar!
Noo, ah am reelee worreed that wees will have a pandemick in Lan Ark, coz fing iz, if there is a pandemick, ma Mum is no aloud tae work. Eye thats the troof, coz the Prime Priest (mollee says hee is called the prime minister, but am no soor), says that they will have tae creemate hoomans at ma Mums work, if there is a pandemick. Yuck. Noo if shee cannee work, mee an mollee will no bee ables to go on wur holeedaes, coz ma Mum will no have monee tae pay fur it.
So pleese rememburs no tae shake hands or paws wiff anybodee and tae wear a Michale Jacksun face mask, tae keep the pig floo away. Ah just hopes it wiznae ma pal Dora the pig who pure spread the floo, cos ah wiz speekin tae hur the udder day frew the fence.
Rite am away noo, tae blow ma nose, and cleen ma bits, just in case. Speek soon.
Love fae big Presley xxxxxxxxxx

Vooer deescreshon advised!

2009-04-20T01:57:00.000-07:00

Hullo all ewes oot there, how are ewes today? Noo fing is, ah am reelee trommatised, and ah have had nitemares. This is a troo storee. See wit happined wiz this, yisterday wiz a reel nice hot day here at the open prizon and wees wur aloud oot in the exersise yard fur pure ages. Ma Mum and Dad wiz dane sum gardening, thats where they pool oot all the flowers and leeve all the weeds. Thats coz they diznae ken a flower frum a weed. Anyways, nexx fing wiz that ma Mum says 'ah have pure dun eenuff gardening and am away tae pit on ma summer clothes'. Well nexx fing wiz, shee pure appeered in the exersise yard in a tea shirt and white shorts!! Ah swears tae masell that is the troof. How gross is that? Yuck!! Niver in the hole of ma life have ah ever seen legs as white as that. Well once ah seen a turkee wiff legs like that. Mollee pure laffed, but ah couldnae beeleeve wit ah wiz seen and thats why ah have bin trommatised ever since and when ewes see the picktoors ah finks ewe will agree. Ah fink ah will start a campane, fur tae tell ma Mum tae keep they legs under cover fur the next 40 yeers.

Sum vooers may find these picktoors dissturbin, so caushon is advised.

OMG check oot the nick of those legs!!

The only wan the wiznae trommatised wiz Wizzard coz hee cannee see, so Ruby pit the glasses on coz she couldnae see either and felt betturs rite away.

Ma Mum dressin like that wiz pure torture for uz and ah fink that wee need tae rename wur prizon frum the Lan Ark open prizon, tae Guantanomo Bay, cos they are into torture too.

Ah will need tae go back and see ma sikyatrist noo tae get over ma trommar.

Love fae Big Presley The King xxx

Campin on the Motorways

2009-04-18T10:15:00.000-07:00

Hullo all ewes oot there in sybee land, how are ewes all todays? Fank ewes very mutch for all the eemales ewes have sent mee fur Charlee tae say 'pleese do not self harm', ah fink it worked coz ah havenae seen hur pool hur fur oot for aboot two days noo.
Diz ewe rememburs that ah telt ewes aboot the time ma Mum wiz doon in Engerland wiff hur work and a caravan pure went on the wacky races wiff the car that wiz ment to bee towing it? Well ewes will no beeleeve wit am aboot tae tell ewes this time, but ah swear its the troof. A foo days ago ma Dad went tae Engerland fur tae help ma Mum wiff work and rite at the same place as the caravan wiz crashed wiz peepells campin on the motorways. Honest that is the troof. See wit happined wiz this. Ma Dad wiz drivin up the motorways and nexx fing he see's is the car in front of him pure breakin. Ma Dad slowed rite down and seen that peepells up ahead had a roof rack fing that wiz open and all there camping geer wiz on the motorways. Ah fink they must have reel liked that spot fur tae camp oot. Noo ah diznae fink ewes should try this at home, coz ah fink it is rite danegeros fur tae camp on the motorways and ewes could get a parkin ticket. Ah kens a rite nice camp site fur tae pit up a tent, but ah canny tells ewe where it is, udder wise ah wid bee mobbed when ah went on holeedays campin. Noo ah wid also like tae point oot that when ah says ah go campin, ah meens that when ah goes on holeedays that ah live in a tent. But ah can tells ewe that ah telt Fat Bazil that campin ment he had tae walk funnee and take a pink backpack. So when Bazil goes campin hee looks reel funnee and all the udder dogs pure stay away frum him. Ma Mollee telt mee that wiznae a nice fing tae do tae Bazil the Brush, but ah fot it wiz cool. Am away tae get ma backpack redee fur ma nexx holeedae, ah always pack ma speedos in case wee go neer watur.
Speek soon, love fae big Presley The King xxxxxxxxxxx

Self harmin

2009-04-15T01:09:00.000-07:00

Hullo its mee again, big Presley. Noo ah kens ewe wid have bin socked at wit ah telt ewes yesterday aboot ma Mum sayin she wiz going tae see ill divo and she only pure went an seen 4 men insted, but ma storee today will pure sock ewe even more.

Ah swear tae masell this is the troof wit am aboot tae tell ewes. Sum of ewes will ken that ah have a sistur called Charlee. Noo she is a girl, but shee is a poosee cat and shee is white. Am no soor how shee became ma sistur coz she is white and ah am black, but she is.

Anyway when ah went tae visit ma sistur in hur cell witch is at the udder end of the prizon frum mee and mollee, ah pure seen big clumps of hur white fur lying on the floor, like she had bean tae the fur dressers or sumfin. Ah didnae like tae say anyfun tae hur, coz ah didnae want tae give hur a complexshon, and shee could end up baldee like Macs back bottom. So ah desided that ah wid get sum advice on the deleeket matter frum ma booteefool Mollee. Mollee says that shee diznae ken any baldee poosee cats, so she fot that maybee Hilda had geed hur a tankin and thats how shee lost all hur fur. Ah fot tae masell, if that is the troof, maybee Hilda will be sent tae a mare seecoor prizon and no bee aloud tae live at the open prizon.

Noo ah wiz rite worreed fur Charlee gettin a tankin, so ah went back tae visit hur, and ewes will no beeleeve wit ah seen. She wiz pure dane it tae hersell. Ah swear she wiz. She wiz like pure self harmin, poolin big chunks of fur oot of hersell. She does this tae hersell when shee has rubbed hersell in cat nip. Ah fink thats why its called cat nip, coz once they rub in it, they pure nips themsells. So, ah fink Charlee will need tae get help frum a sykiatrist tae stop hur frum self harmin, udder wize shee will end up lookin like the cat in the picktoor.

The beefour and efter picktoors of wit Charlee will look like if shee pure self harms.

Pleese send 'Do not self harm kards' to Charlee at wur open prizon and shee will feel betters.

Lots of love big Presley - Charlees big bruver. xxxxxxxx

Divo is no ill.

2009-04-13T15:28:00.000-07:00

Hullo all ewes, its mee hear big Presley, and ah have an udder troo storee fur tae tell ewes.

See wit happined wiz this, ma Mum telt me tae bee a good boy coz she wiz going oot tae see ill divo! Noo, fing iz this, I disnae even ken a dug called divo, let alone that he wiz ill, so ah fot shee wiz like going tae the hospeetal tae visit him or sumfin. So ah says tae ma Mollee, do ewe fink wee should make a get well soon kard fur divo? Mollee wiz pure laffin and ah diznae ken why. She says ill divo is 4 singurs. Ah says wit are ewe talkin aboot Mollee?.

Noo, pleese try and keep up wiff this storee. So Mollee telt mee that divo wiznae a dug, but 4 singurs called Daveed, Karloss, Sebassteean, and Oooooooree! Ah fot that cannee bee rite, so ah pure checked oot ma Mums compootur when shee came home and soor eenuff, there wur picktoors of blokes on it, pure like singing tae ma Mum. Hear iz sum picktoors that ah took frum hur compootur.

This is Karloss

This is ill Divo - disnae look ill tae mee!

This is Sebassteean - ah fink
Noo ah disnae ken if ma Dad finks ma Mum is going tae see an ill dug, but that is wit shee telt mee, so ah guess she telt him the same fing. But WEE kens better!! Diz they look ill tae ewe??

Gettin so close tae ma Mum like that, they wur luckee theys managed tae eescape, udder wise they wid bee held prizoner at the Lan Ark open prizon. Noo pleese dont tell ma Dad aboot this, cos hee will bee rite upset and ah widnae like that.

So if ma Mum tells ewes shee is going tae see ill divo, ewes will ken shee is pure cheetin on ma Dad. Ah widnae cheet on ma Mollee, unless it wiz wiff wan of ma reel pure babes.

Lots of love big Presley The King xxxxxxxxxx

Pee Ess, if ewe wants tae heer them singing, ewe can heer them singing Amasin Grace on ma Mums website coz that is the song she pit wiff 'our in memoree' of all ma bruvers and sisters that are running free at Rainbows Bridge. xx

Guess who came tae visit mee?

2009-04-11T10:14:00.000-07:00

Hullo all ewes oot there its mee hear big Presley The King.
Well ah have an udder troo storee fur ewes. See fing iz, yisterday ah herd ma Mum coming home from hur work and then ma Mum and Dad came into ma prizon cell, witch is the turd one doon the corridor, and they telt me and Mollee wees had a visitur. A fot that wiz pure dead brillent coz wee don't get many visiturs. The last visitur ah had wiz ma Feeonsee Rag and hur sisturs, when they visited mee on Valentines Day. So wee went oot into the garden and ewes will no beeleeve who had come tae visit us. Can ewes guess? Will ah give ewes a cloo? It wiz none udder than ma very own Antee Rachels! Yes, thats troo, ah swear tae masell. How cool wiz that? Ma very own Antee Rachels. Ah went pure nuts and jumped all over hur! Ah loves ma Antee Rachels. Noo fing iz, normalees when ma antee Rachels comes tae visit, its coz ma Mum and Dad are going away fur a foo days, but ma Antee Rachels just pure came tae visit mee. Am no sure how shee got hear, but ah fink she maybee took the bus and the train or sumfin. The sad fing is, she couldnae stay long, and shee had to leaf. Ah wiz rite sad aboot that. Mollee wiz rite sad that Unkill Eddee wiznae wiff her, coz Mollee pure loves him. Antee Rachels if ewe is reedin this, can ewe pleese come back and stay wiff us soon and wee will have an udder rave.
Ah have a questshon fur ewes all. The udder day ah seen a Seep that had too lamms. Noo fing is wan lamm wiz white and wan lamm wiz black. Ah dont ken how that happined but ah have sum ideers. Anyways, ma questshon is this. Do ewe fink that the white lamm finks he is black, and the black lamm finks hee is white? Pleese fink aboot ma questshon and send ewer ansurs tae mee at ma eemale address. The winner gets a free pass tae visit mee at the open prizon, that is if its a pure babe that wins.
Am away noo tae take care of biziness. Love Big Presley the King xxxxxxxxxx

Mee Maw, Mee Maw, Mee Maw

2009-04-07T00:20:00.000-07:00

Hullo all ewes its mee big Presley. Noo ma Mollee always laffs when ah rites that at the start, coz she says ewes all kens its mee, but fing iz, wit if somewon else rote ma blog, ewes widnae ken, so thats why ah always say if its mee or not - see, am no as daft as a look!
Sum of ewes will remembur that ah want tae bee a Pollis Dug when ah grow up, so that ah can chase bad peepells and when ah catch them ah can bites them, well ah wiz wunderin if Fire Mens have Fire Dugs, coz ah fink ah wid like tae bee a Rescoo Dug. Ma Mollee says that am allreddy a Rescoo dug, but wit ah meens iz a dug that rescoo's peepells, coz ah could pool there arms and legs and fings when ah rescoos them and thats cool game tae play.
Anyways wit happined wiz this. Mee and Mollee wiz oot wiff ma Mum in the car wiff the dark windaes that wee can see oot, but nobuddee can see in, so nobuddee kens that mee, the famoss King wiz in the car. Wee were behind a huge big lorree, but there wiz like bloo smoke comin frum the lorree, and it wiz so bad ma Mum had tae slow doon tae aboot 120mph. Ah wiz pure yellin at the man tae stop his lorree, but he kept going. Nexx fing wee herd a huge big BANG! Ma Mum fot the tyre had blown on the lorree, and the man stopped at the side of the road, so ma Mum passed him, and az wee got in line wiff the bit where the lorree joins up wiff the bit that drives the lorree, we pure seen the biggest fire wees have ever seen in the hole of our lives. This was even bigger than the time ma Dad had a Bar Bee Q and set wur trees on fire, ah swear tae masell it wiz. The lorree driver wiz like still sittin in his cab fing, until he seen ma Mum stop and pure run towards him, so he got oot tae see wit ma Mum wanted. Noo this is the funnee bit, coz ewe wood have fot ma Mum wiz tryin tae help the man, but she only went and said tae him 'have ewe got a fone'? Wit wiz all that aboot? Ah fot she should have says tae him, 'pure run fur ewer life, ewer big lorree is on fire'. Why ask the poor man if hee had a fone? The man then seen the flames, but hee pure jumped back into his cab fing, witch wiz fool of fick black smoke in aboot 2 seconds. Ah says tae ma Mollee ah will need tae help! Shee said wit are ewe going tae do Presley? Mollee wiz pure greetin coz shee didnae want me tae help in case ah hurted masell. So ah says watch this Mollee.....and do ewe kens wit ah did? Ah preetened that ah wiz a Fire Dug and started tae yell. Mee Maw, Mee Maw, Mee Maw, Mee Maw. Mollee wiz pure rite impressed wiff that, cos that wiz a rite pure important job, coz the man jumped oot of his cab cos he fot it wiz the Fire Men comin tae help, so ah like pure saved him. We went off tae the park efter that, but ah wiz Mollees reel life heero, fur saving that man. How cool is that?
Love fae big Presley the Fire Dug Heero xxxxxxx

Grand Natshonal Day.

2009-04-04T09:23:00.000-07:00

Hullo all ewes oot there its mee hear again. Listen did any of ewes ken it wiz Grand Natshonals Day? Well see fing iz, ah neerlee forgot, but ah herd ma Dad sayin tae ma Mum somfin aboot a dog called Noah, and he wiz in a sort of Grand Natshonal today. Am no soor who Noah is.
Anyways, ah had a look at the noospaper and picked oot sum horses fur tae win the race, or no tae win the race az it happined. Noo, fing iz ah don't like it when the horses pure fall or get hurted, and ma Mum and ma Mollee pure cries, so wee diznae watch the race, but this is the horses ah picked fur ma bruvers and sisters.
1. Priests Leap - Ma horse, but ah fot it said Presley's Leap!
2. Ramblin Minster - Mum - but ah fot it said Ramblin Minister coz of ma Mums job!
3. Black Apalachi - Mac - becoz big Mac is black!
4. Stan - Stan, coz that iz his name!
5. Ollie Magern - efter ma bruver Olly that died at Noo Yeers!
6. Big Fella Fanks - Mollee's horse, coz shee always says that two mee!
7. Comply or Die - Roobee's horse, coz shee is pure the boss at the prizon!
8. Irish Invader - efter ma bruver Ivor, coz he wiz frum Eye-er-land.
9. Idle Talk - Bazils horse, coz Bazil iz always talkin nonsense!
10. Can't Buy Time - Wizzee's horse, coz that must bee an old horse!
Noo the fing iz, the onlee wan that did any good wiz Comply or Die, ma Roobee's horse and ah should have pit all 23p of ma pocket monee on that horse tae win in second place, but ah didnae so ah didnae win anyfin.
Am noo away tae pick sum numburs fur the lotteree, so ah can buy a beetch hut at Norff Berwick fur ma summer holeedaes.
Love fae big Presley the Gamblur xxxxxxx

Wizzee's Mug Shot!!

2009-04-03T02:56:00.001-07:00

Hullo all ewes oot there, fank ewe fur agreeing that ma Roobee iz a pure babe. Noo sum of ewes asked how auld Wizzee Wonga iz, well am happee to reports that hee iz dane fine and ah will tell ewes a troo storee about him. When ah seen Roobee gettin hur picktoor took yisterday, ah says tae Wizzee Wonga, ewe will need tae get ewer picktoor taken. He said, wit fur? Ah telt him wees wur getting noo mug shots taken fur wur prizon ID kards. (ID stands fur 'Inn Deetenshon'), so auld Wizzee wanders off tae find oot when it wiz hiz turn fur tae have his foto took. He pure wandered aroond the garden fur aboot two hours, and ah wiz laffin, but ma Mollee said that it wiznae funnee tae laff at Wizzee, coz Wizzee cannee see. So, ah says, Wizzee, ewe need tae go intae the front garden, and ah fink this did help him, coz he eventooallee found ma Dad wiff his camera. Ah says tae Wizzee Wong, dont smile, its no a picktoor fur the familee foto albums, its a front voo mug shot! This is the result. Noo, pleese do not laffs, coz its not hiz falt hee looks like this, but check oot the nick of auld Wizzee the Wonga! This is the best Mug Shot ah has ever seen in the hole of ma life.

Auld Wizzee the Wonga's Mug Shot!!

Ah will see if ah can find any more picktoors fur ewes tae look at, or should that be laff at?

Love fae big Presley the King xxxx.

Reemarkable Roobee

2009-04-02T13:39:00.001-07:00

Hullo all ewes oot there its mee hear Big Presley....noo, everyboddees pure loved ma Mambo Numbur Free, but they says it wiznae mee that rote the wurds, well ah swears tae masell it wiz.
But wan fing....ah didnae menshon ma big sister ROOBEE, she is pure a babe! Ah fot ah wid let ewes all see jist how mutch a babe she reelee is!! Ma Dad took these picktoors todaes, of ma udder number wan babe, and ma Mum's numbur wan babe!! Enjoys!! and if ewe are sad coz ewe fink life wiznae kind two ewe, look at ma babe!

Ma Roobee on Free Legs, pure enjoying life to the fool

Is that no the happiest babe ewes have ever seen??

I'm PROUD TAE SAE THIS IS MA BIG SISTER ROOBEEE!!
Lots of love Big Presley...Count ewer blessings day by day xxxx

Mambo Numbur Free

2009-04-01T13:00:00.001-07:00

Hullo all ewes oot there its mee here big Presley, its been a rite cool day hear at Lan Ark and ah fot it wiz jist like summer times, so ah rote a toone fur all ma babes.
Noo, ewes will ken the song Mambo numbur 5, well this is Presley's Mambo Numbur Free and it goes like this:

A little bit of Mollee in my life
A little bit of Daisy by my side
A little bit of Cas is all ah need
A little bit of Tina is what ah see
A little bit of Shasha in the sun
A little bit of Millie all nite long
A little bit of Ragsee hear I am
A little bit of ewe makes me ewer man

Jump up and down and move it all around
Sharke ewer butt to the sound, put ewer paws to the ground
Take one step left and one step right
One to the front and one to the side
Clap ewer paws onces and clap ewer paws twice
And if it looks like this then ewer leep froggin rite

A little bit of Mollee in my life
A little bit of Daisy by my side
A little bit of Cas is all ah need
A little bit of Tina is what ah see
A little bit of Sasha in the sun
A little bit of Millie all nite long
A littel bit of Ragsee hear I am
A little bit of me makes me ewer man

Crumpet, Crumpet
Mambo numbur free
I do all to fall in love wiff a babe like ewe
Ewe cant run and ewe cant hide, ewe and mee gone make sum pups.

The End

Ewes can sing the Korus again if ewes want, but ah fot that wiz eenuff.
I hope ewes all enjoyed ma vershon of Mambo Numbur Free, Dedicated to all ma numbur wan babes in the world by Big Presley the King xxxxxxxxxxx

Work fur nuffin - how fick is that?

2009-03-31T12:23:00.000-07:00

Hullo all ewes oot there, its mee hear big Presley, ah have a funnee storee two tells ewes all and ah swears its the troof. Noo thiz iz called a Sen-aree-oh, fur unedoocated peepells that meens ah will gives ewes a sitooashon and ewes can fink aboot the ansur. Noo, what if ah suggested two ewes that ewe worked 24 hoors a day, 7 days a weak, every single day of the hole yeer. Noo wate wan minit am no finished yet! If that wiznae bad eenuff, wit if ah said two ewes that ewes have tae day this fur the love of workin and ewes widnae get paid fur doing it. Well, ah fink ewes wid say tae mee 'Presley ewe is pure off ewer nut man, wees iz no workin fur nuffin'. See ah fot that is wit ewes wid say. So could someone, pleese tell ma Mum that, coz if shee keeps workin fur nuffin, mee and Mollee will soon bee homeless and wee will end up on the street dane a can collectshon tipe fing tae get monee fur wur dinner.
See, sum of ewes ken that ma Mum iz an Undertaker, a speshall one fur pets. Noo fing iz she started this business cos, 4 yeers ago she paid £200 fur hur dog Kaz tae have his neck broken, bee flung in a bag, a tag flung on him, flung in a van, then flung in freezer and his ashes returned tae her (ok hur naybur, coz they made a mistake), 10 days later - but thats no wit shee wanted fur him, but thats who hur vet recommended and they said Kaz wid bee well looked efter - eye very good - how mutch did the vet get paid fur that!! Noo fing iz thiz, the peepells that did that back then are still pure crematin dugs and cats all over the place. Ma Mum fot that wiz reelee rong tae day that tae pets, so shee became an Undertaker fur tae do the job properlee. Fing is, its no cheep tae creemate a pet, espeshally coz ma Mum drives wiff only wan pet to Engerland and its only wan pet that is creemated at wan time, and she pure goes back tae the family usuallee wiffin about 6 hours efter the creemashon. Sum times ma Mum can work fur 14 hours in wan dae, witch is a lot, coz mee and Mollee is sumtimes in bed when shee comes home. So fing is, peepells have tae ask themselves if theys kens someone who can acktooalee dae the same job as ma Mum and bee cheeper, its imposseebell. Let mee gee ewes an exampells: if ewes want tae bye a Diamond, ewe can get the reel fing, or ewe can buy a fing called a Diamontay. Noo they may both look similars, but they are anyfin butt.
Ah cannee beeleeve how fick ma Mum iz, so if ewes see a rite handsum Pedigree Lurcher and a little Greyhound sitting wiff an old wumin in Argyle Street or Princess Street, wid ewes pleese spare us sum monee fur wur dinner. Am away tae have a wurd wiff ma Mum aboot hur biziness, just called me Allan Sugar Presley xxx

Fly Me to Dunoon!

2009-03-28T14:10:00.000-07:00

Hullo all ewes oot there, am rite pleesed ewe all liked ma Fillosifers Guide, and for all ewes that didnae, well thats jist tuff. Some of ewes asked mee if ah wid rite 'Presleys the Fillosifers Guide Fur Hoomans', coz am so smart, but ah fink ewe is confoosin mee wiff the udder grate fillosifer Pluto the dog, or wiz that Plato, am no soor. But hear iz a foo for ma fannees.
Noo ewes all ken that ah live everydae as though it is ma last, this is coz wan dae it will bee!
If ewe dont want anyone tae get on ewer goat, don't tell anywan where ewe tied it up!
Wise men niver play leep frog wiff a Unicorn!
A man who sleeps on a bed of nales is a hollee man!
Men who smoke pot, choke on the handell!
Bootee is onlee a lite switch away!
Men who eet toast in bed get a crummee sleep!
and finallee...one mare,
Man who runs behind car or caravan, gets exhausted!
witch leeds mee on tae ma storee fur todae......
Ah wiz eeree wiggin (fur unedoocated peepells that meens - listenin tae wits noffin tae dae wiff mee), and herd ma Mum tell ma Dad a rite troo storee that happined todaes when ma Mum wiz comin home fae work in Engerland. Noo, fing iz mee and Mollee fot this wiz reel funnee, but ma Mum didnae, coz shee hasnae got a sense of hoomur. Ma Mum wiz on the M6 (no tae bee confoosed wiff MI6), at junckshon 44 heading Norff, and shee seen, comin Souff, a car and beehind the car wiz a caravan. Nexx fing, the caravan pure overtook the car! Ah swears tae masell that iz the troof! Noo fing iz ma Mollee started tae giggle like she does, but ah wanted tae ken who wiz pure driving the caravan - coz am a finker! But ah found oot later that naebuddee wiz drivin the caravan, it jist pure went itsell. Next fing the car, pooled on tae the hard shoulder of the motorwae, but the caravan carried on, dane aboot 90 mph. How cool iz that?? Ah fink the caravan wiz in a hurree tae get tae where it wiz going. But nexx fing, Wham, Bam, and the caravan pure crashed into the reservation. Noo, ah didnae ken they had Ingin Reservations on a Motorway, but thats wit ma Mum said, so who am ah too argoo? Mee and Mollee wur pure laffin bye now, but ma Mum wiz pure upset and sad fur the man, coz ma Mum used tae have a caravan, so she kens how eezee it can happin. Then Mollee wiz sad coz Mum wiz sad.
So tae cheer ma Mollee up, ah telt hur, that it will bee summer times twomorrow and ah telt hur the storee aboot Humptee Dumptee.
Humptee Dumptee had a grate fall, efter a poor summer! Mollee didnae laff at that wan, so ah jist sung a song tae hur. Ah pure likes that song by Francs Sinnatras called Fly Mee two Dunoon.
Everytime ah heers that song ah fink of ma Antee Karen who lives there wiff hur babes.
Am lookin forward tae gettin ma dinner wan hour earlee tomorrows!
Love fae big Presley the King. xxxxxxxxxxx

Sneek Preevoo of ma Ruff Guide

2009-03-27T00:19:00.000-07:00

Hullo all ewes oot there, how are ewes all todaes? Ah wiz going tae tell ewes aboot the seeps in the feeld next tae mee, but ma Mum says that ma Antee Tree from Engerland told hur that her dog Big Tom has a noo job. Hee has pure only gone and got himsell a top notch job!! Ah swear tae masell that is the troof. See wit hee has done is got himsell wan of they jobs where hee goes around and visits old peepells and they pat him all day and then they gee him loads of biskits, fur lettin them pat him. How cool is that? Well done Tom that is a rite cool job and hee hasnae even red ma Ruff Guide. Ah fink ma bruver Fat Bazil wood like a cool job like that, cos hee likes biskits. Ah fot ewes wood like a sneek preevoo of ma noo book witch is called Presley the Fillosifers Ruff Guide to Surviving.
1. No one is listening too ewe until ewe cleen oot ewer bits!
2. Always rememburs, ewe are numbur wan Dog, until ewer Mum gets an udder dog.
3. Eggspeereeanse is somefin ewe dont get until efter ewe needed it.
4. Don't ever let a vet take ewer tempratoor. (this is also in ma ruff guide tae vets).
5. Niver test the depth of water wiff all four paws.
6. If at first ewe dont suckseed, then parashootin isnae fur ewe.
7. If ewe fink ewer Mum disnae ken if ewe is alive or deed, try poo'in on the carpet.
8. Don't beeleeve in reincarnashon, ah didnt when ah wiz a Poodell.
9. If a Rotti steels ewer bone and ewe dont ever see him again, it wiz probablee worff it.
10. Playing Leep Frog wiff a numbur wan beetch is like the air wee breeve, its no that important until ewe cannee get it.
11.Some days ewe is the Greyhound, some days ewe is the Rabbitt.
12. There are two good feeree's about arguing wiff Mollee, but none of thems works.
13. Dont ever let the vet sedate ewe, just tae gee ewe a laxative.
14. Gee mee a can of dog food an ah will eet fur the dae, show mee where ewe keep the food and ah will sit an eet all dae.
15. Before ewe yell at an udder dog, make sure ewe have an eescape root.
16. If ewe is always well behaved ewer Mum will no ken when ewe is bean good and deserve a reward.
17. Always rememburs ewe are one of a kind, just like all the udder dogs.

That is sum of ma hints and tips from ma Ruff Guide - Presley the Fillosifer. Ah fink ewe will soon bee able tae bye a copy of ma book, fur aboot, 57 and a half pence. (no Ewero's pleese).
Speek tae ewes all soon, and well dun tae big Tom ma best Greyhound friend frum Engerland.
Love Big Presley xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Am two cliver tae go tae the Park!!

2009-03-25T02:09:00.000-07:00

Hullo all ewes oot there its mee hear Big Presley. Am sorree ah have no bin on hear for a long times, but ah have bean bizzee riting ma seerees of Ruff Guides. Ah have rit the Ruff Guide tae stayin in Kennells, the Ruff Guide tae visitin the Vet Docktor, the Ruff Guide tae going on holeedays, the Ruff Guide tae going tae training classes, and ma speshall wan, Presleys Ruff Guide tae bean a King. Udder than all that, ah have bin lookin after ma Roobee. Roobee is ma sister wiff the free legs. Ma Mum fot Roobee wiznae well coz she had a lump on hur side, so Roobee wiz taken tae the Vet Docktur fur an eggsaminashon. Noo see fing iz Roobee didnae reed ma Ruff guide tae going tae the Vet Docktur and only went an let him take hur temperatoor. Yuck man that is pure horrid. Anyways, the Vet Docktur did a fing called a Byeopsee. Noo wit that meens, iz that he took a bit of Roobees lump away and tested it, tae see wit it was. It turned oot tae bee a fing called a Fattee Kurd - ah fink thats how ewe spell it. Ah swears tae masell that is the troof. Niver in ma hole life have ah herd of a Fattee Kurd. Ave herd of a Fattee Burd and ave herd of Lemon Kurd, but no a Fattee Kurd, so am no soor if ma Mum herd him rite. Anyways, ma Roobee is doin grate and shee is a rite happee babe. Probablee coz shee lives wiff mee.
Anyways, wit diz ewes make of all the peepells writing blogs tae bee like mee, big Presley - how cool is that? But see fing iz, am rite bored wiff them jist sayin fings like, todaes ah went tae the park! Wit is that all aboot?? Ah entered the Sundae Male blog compeetishon fing, but wit have theys gone and done, but chosen an udder two Spangles to rite in. Am no a Spangle so ah fink ah will no bee in that paper. But see fing iz ah have a fing called copyrite on all ma troo storees, so no udder dog/s can coppee mee, so if ewes want a good laff, ewes will need tae keep reedin ma blog on hear. Ah fink ah am too cliver fur thems, coz if ah jist rote that ah went tae the park everydae, ewes wood fink ah wiznae the King and ah cannee have that.
Well am away oot noo, but no tae the Park, am away oot tae say hullo tae the dugs who lives nexx door tae us, they are called Dizzee and Shadough. Tomorrows ah will tells ewes aboot ma troo eggspeereeanse when ah decided tae count sum Seep in the feeld.
Love fae big Presley the King xxx

Compeetishon time - Spot the differense

2009-03-19T02:44:00.000-07:00

Hullo all ewes oot there, am sorree ah havenae bean on ma blog, but ah have bin ansuring all ma eemales from ma fans.... oh eye, and ah have bean playin in the gerdin wiff ma Molleee coz it wiz rite sunnee and ah have bin writing ma Ruff Guide tae Stayin in Kennells.

Anyways, ewes all want tae see a picktoor of ma Feeonsee Rag, coz sum of ewes dont beeleeve that ah even kens a reel Cruffts babe. Ah will need tae ask ma Antee Noras if ah can show ewes hur picktoor, but am no wantin all the udder dugs tae fall in love wiff hur.

Its a rite nice day hear at the open prizon in Lan Ark, so ah fot ah wid let all ma noo fans play a game. The game is called spot the differense. Noo ah have pit two picktoors of mee and ewes will need to studee them very carefoolees and fink aboot what the differense is between them.

Noo the winner of the compeetishon gets tae spend the hole day wiff mee!! Well onlee if its a cool babe that wins. If a boy dug wins, well he must have bin cheetin and so hee canee win!.

Have fun and ah will bee back soon. Love fae Big Presley the King xxx

SPOT THE DIFFERENSE!!

All aboot mee

2009-03-16T00:20:00.000-07:00

Hullo everybuddee, its mee again big Presley.
Im feelin very mutch better noo fanks, and I wanted tae say fank ewe to all the peepells who sent mee Get Well Big Presley the King Cards.
Noo fing is this, ah have a rite lot to tell ewes aboot that has happined to mee since ah have bin sick, and one fing was aboot the numbur of dugs who is tryin to bee like me, big Presley.
Then what happined wiz thiz, ah wiz lookin at all the beetches in the Sunday Mail pet page, and ah seen an advert looking fur dugs tae contack them, who has a blog or wants a blog. So ah contackted them and told them aboot ma blog. This blog fing is funnee, becoz, all ma troo followers ken mee and have bin reedin ma blog from the start when ah wiz jist a puppee. Ah fink it will be rite confoosin fur noo peepells to understand wit it is am talkin aboot. So tae save them frum reedin all ma blog since 2007, I will give ewes a reminder aboot who ah am.

Ma Name iz: Presley The King ('The' is ma middull name)
I Live at: Lan Ark Open Prizon
Born: In Edinburger and lived in Glesga
Nationalitee: Scotteesh Rescoo Dug
Age: Free and a half (my birffday is in Joon - every yeer)
Dug Tipe: I am a Pedigree Lurcher
Martital Statos: I live wiff ma beetch Greyhound called Mollee and I have a Feeonsee called Rag
Sibblins: I live wiff 4 udder Greyhounds sum are Lurchers, 4 cats and 1 budgee/canaree fing.
There names are: Mac, Roobee, Bazil, Wizard, Charlee, Stan & Hilda, Six and Tineel
Hobbees: Bean the Class Clown an goin tae Norff Berrick tae see ma Feeonsee Rag
Ambishon: To eescape from ma prizon and too marree as many beetches as possibill.
Best Day: Ah wiz on the tellys - ah swear tae masell that iz the troof

Noo fing is, if ewe want tae find out more aboot mee, ewe will need tae check oot ma blog from the begining. There are sum picktoors of mee as a puppee, wiff ma reel bruver Aaron, and udder fings ah have dun in ma life.
Hope ewes enjoy.
Love fae big Presley the King xxx

Diz ma Bum look big in thiz?

2009-03-15T02:21:00.000-07:00

Hullo all ewes oot there, its mee Big Presley hear, am Back!!!. Fank ewe fur all ewer kind wisses, fur mee tae get betturs. Ah didnae ken wit wiz the matters wiff mee, an ah got reelee finn. Noo most of ewes will ken, that Lurchers are Finn dugs anyways, but ah wiz like reelee reelee finn. Normallees finn dugs are built fur speed, but see ah wiz so finn, ah had no energee and ah wiz even slower than Wizzy Wong! Eye thats troo, ah swears tae masell. A snale in the gardin wiz runnin fastur than mee. Ma Mum wiz like pure greetin coz ah wiz so finn and she foned the Vet Docktur, coz no matters how mutch shee wiz feedin mee ah wiz still gettin finner.

Ah wiz gettin fed Tripe free times a day. Noo am no talkin aboot ma Mum's cookin, am talkin aboot reel Tripe, the kind ewes bye frum the Bootcher. An ah wiz gettin Mince, no the mince ma Mum normallee cooks fur mee, ah wiz gettin lambs mince. Ma Antee Noras said tae ma Mum tae gee mee pasta and pottatoes, so ah wiz gettin that two. It wiz pure the biziness. Noo fing iz wiff all thiz eggstra food, ah had tae bee fast. Well ah had tae run rite fast oot tae the gerdin tae dae ma poo's, so geein mee all this eggstra food reelee worked rite good.

Noo thiz iz the yuckee bit, but ma Mum fot shee wid take a fotograff of ma back bottom fur mee tae show ewes tae see if ewes fink ma back bottom is still Finn.

Thiz iz ma back bottom noo

Ah fink its lookin good, its no ma best voo, but ewes can see am all betturs.
Noo, ah have lots of fings ah need tae tell ewes aboot, but ah will rite aboot thems over the nexx foo days. One fing iz aboot the numbur of peepells who are copyin mee, by havin blogs and ritetin books. Ah fink its coz they all want tae bee like mee, but there will only bee Wan King.
The udder fing iz, that am going tae rite doon wit all ma wurds meens, coz ma Antee Tree iz frum Engerland an shee will maybee no understand wit it iz am sayin in ma blog. Ah fink ah will need tae get ma Mum tae dae that fur mee, coz am no very good at spellin.
The turd fing iz, that ah have a noo pal. Yes its troo, an udder noo pal. His name iz Malarkee (or sumfin like that). Hee iz pure rite cool and lives wiff ma Antee Haylee and Unkill Jaysun.
So ah must go fur noo, but ah will bee back soon.
Lots of love fae big FAT Presley xxxxxxxxxxxx

Captin iz noo at Rainbow Bridge

2009-02-28T12:19:00.000-08:00

Hullo all ewes oot there.
Ma Mum iz pure away on holleedaes, so ah have hud tae sneek on hear tae post.
Fing iz, ah kens ewes fink az am the proffitt of doom and gloom, wiff all ma bad noos, but ah fot az wid let ewe kens that wee Captin wur burdee pure died this mornins. Ma Mum will bee pure devasstated when shee comes home and finds that oot. Hee pure like jizt died. Ma Mum got him fae the pet sopp, coz hee wiz baldee and hee loved livin hear wiff uz and hiz noo burd Tineel.
Wee´s do not ken wits happined, but its pure sad that hee died on ma Mums birffday.
Ah hopes ma Mum iz havin a pured dead brillent times, coz mee and Mollee iz.
Ah better go, coz am havin such a grate times, and ah diznae want tae bee poot in the cooler fur bean on the compootar.
Ah will speek soon, when am no havin so mutch fun. But ah am bean sad aboot Captin too.
Love fae big Presley the King xxxxxxxxxxxx

Wee Zorro ah loved ewe.

2009-02-25T09:24:00.000-08:00

Deer everyboddees,

Ah promissed that ah wid let ewes ken how Zorro got on at the Vet Docktur, an am reelee sorree tae say that ma bruver Zorro haz noo gone tae Rainbow Bridge.

Wee Zorro, came tae live wiff uz on 3rd Novembur 2007 - only 16 monffs ago. Ma Mum seen an advert in the paper, asking for someone tae take on a 'sprightly 20yr old cat, who needed a quiet indoor home. Hee wiz on medikatshon fur life, efter the owner took ill and couldnae look efter him and hiz companion Charlee, who wiz only 11yrs old'. The Cats Proteckshon peepells said they wid pay fur hiz Vet treetment fur the rest of hiz life, but ma Mum pure hates peepells who takes advantage of that tipes of situation coz ma Mum kens sum peepells who get pets and lets charitees pay fur vet fees, when theys can afford tae pay fur their ane pets medikashon. So ma Mum says, if ah am tae bee Zorro's mummy, ah will pay fur hiz medikashon and ewes can use the monee tae help pay for udder cats.

They pure introdooced ma Mum tae Zorro, who wiz called Zara at the time - eye ah swears tae masell that iz the troof - a boy cat wiff a wumins name! But hee wiznae a transeggshall cat, so ma Mum says, ah fink wee will call ewe a reel mans name and call ewe ZORRO!

Ma Mum fell in love wiff wee Zorro and said shee wid love him forever, then the they let ma Mum see hiz companion Charlee. Charlee wiz a girl (wiff a boys name), but shee wiz like a pure modell babe. The cats proteckshon peepells widnae let anybuddees see Charlee first, coz everybuddee pure fanceed hur and Zorro wiz just plane Zorro, but they kent ma Mum and Dad wid love Zorro forever, even if hee wiznae handsum.

When Zorro came tae live wiff uz, hee couldnae even get up on the bed, and hee wiz affeckshonatelee kent az the 'Weekest Link', so ma Mum went an got him a set of stairs tae clime on the bed. Honest, that iz the troof. Wee had a birffdae partee fur Zorro last August when hee wiz 21 yeers old. Ma Mum telt the cat proteckshon peepells, who couldnae beeleeve hee wiz still rite enjoying life. Wee Zorro haz got wursur healff wize over the past foo daes and sadlee Zorro, wiznae ever goin tae get betturs, and hee wiz rite ill over the past 12 hours. Ma Mum fot hee wid jist get more medikashon frum the Vet Docktur, but the Vet pure eggasmined him and went an preepared the stuff fur tae let Zorro leeve the mateereal world wiff dignitee.

Ma Mum and Dad are rite upsets, so ah will have tae go and gee them a cuddell. I kens that Zorro will bee happee at Rainbow Bridge, coz sum of hiz pals are alreddys there and big Ivor will pure look efter him, till ma Mum goes wan dae tae join them.

Ah loved ewe wee Zorro, love fae Big Presley. xxxxxx

Thiz iz mee at Zorros 21st birffdae partee, lazt August, ah said tae him.... 'happee birffdae, 'Weekest Link', an hee pure geed mee a tankin. But ah loved him so mutch. xxxx

008 iz workin neer Lan Ark

2009-02-25T04:01:00.000-08:00

Hullo all ewes oot there. Ah have bin pracktissin ma Spaneesh fur tae help ma Mum and ah fink ah kens mare Spaneesh wurds than hur noo.
Noo, first fings first, wee Zorro wur auld cat isnae well and hee's haz tae go tae the Vet docktur this afternoons. Ma Mum finks wee Zorro iz rite seereeouslee ill thiz times and shee iz rite sad todaes. Wee Zorro iz 21.5 yeers old in hooman yeers, so that makes him aboot 240 in cat yeers.
Ah will let ewe kens wits will happin tae him, but its no lookin very good, so cood ewes pleese have a wurd wiff ewer angels and ask thems tae look efter him. Fanks.
Noo, the udder fing ah wiz goin tae tell ewes aboot iz ma walk tae the park. Noo, see sumtimes, wees go fur a walk round the Lock. No a lock ewe pit ewer key in, but a lock wiff watur in it and fiss. Well ah want tae tell ewes a troo storee, coz ah kens there is sumfin reel fisshee goin on at the Lock an ah will tell ewes why ah finks thiz. See when az wiz walkin roond the lock wiff mollee the udder dae, wee seen mens wiff tents. Okay so there is nuffin rang wiff that, rite, but wate wan minit, the mens wiff the tents wur preetendin tae bee fissin. They pure had there rod fings danglin in the watur. Fissin must bee rite tyrin, and thats why they had tents wiff beds in it.
But the reel scaree fing iz, that these mens wur wearin camoflage geer. Eye, ah swears tae masell they wur. Noo, ma questions is thiz, why wid they wear camoflage geer if they wur jist fissin? Ah have a feeree. Ah fink they wur up tae no good. Coz the fiss cannee see wit they are wearin, and ah fink the fiss have more tae worree aboot than wit somewun iz wearin. Ah fink the mens wur probablee spies or sumfin, like 008 Mr Basildon Bond. Ah fink they wur on the look oot fur Oh Salmon bin Laid. Noo dont tell anyones that ah have worked thiz oot, but if ewes dont beeleeve mee, ewes can go and look at the mens at the lock in the camoflage geer, well that is if ewe can see them, coz its reel difficult to see them if theys are standing neer trees and fings coz of the clothes they wears.
Love big Presley the King xxxxxxxxxxx

Spaneesh Lessuns

2009-02-24T07:55:00.000-08:00

Hullo all ewes oot there its mee again, big Presley.
Ah have bin reelee bizzee fur the past foo daes. Ah fot ah shood lern sum Spaneesh tae help ma Mum fur when shee goes tae Spane on Fridaes. Noo am no going wiff hur, but ah fot ah cood help wiff hur purrnouseeashon wiff Spaneesh wurds.
Fanks is Grass Sea R's
Yess is Sea
Skoose Mee? is Perrdun?
Toylet is Banjo
Pleese is Porr Fah Vorr
Noo these are rite important wurds, coz noo ma if ma Mum needs the loo, witch iz very importants. Shee haz tae sae iz thiz: Perrdun, Porr Fah Vorr, Can ah huv a shot of ewer Banjo! The Spaneesh wull replies: Sea
Then ma Mum will sae: Grass Sea R's.
How cool iz that, see, ah fink of everyfin, in fact az am goin tae rite sum noo books an they will bee called 'King Presleys Ruff Guide Goin On Holeedaes'. Noo, ah could have a hole seerees of theese 'Ruff Guides'. Ah normallee rites all ma ane books, but ma Mum wiz a Guide aboot 80 yeers ago, so shee haz sum eggspeereeance of them, and lets face it, they diz not come mutch ruffer than hur, so ah may ask hur fur sum help wiff ma noo seerees of books.
Shee haz bin pure bizzee at work, so it mae take mee a while tae rite them. Only last nite shee wiz in Dunndee and shee iz goin back there tonites again. Thats a rite far place, thats where the Krokodiles and Bannanas comes from. Krokodile Dunndee iz ma heerow, and everytimes ah sees a Bannanas it haz Fyfe on it and Dunndee iz neer Fyfe. The udder fing that comes frum up there is seep sh....ers. Diz ewe ken wit ah meens!! All the men up there sheers the seeps.
Take care, love fae big Presley the Spaneesh Speekur. xxxxxxxx

Gettin two ken mee.

2009-02-20T07:21:00.001-08:00

Hullo all ewes oot there, ah wiz sent wan of they eemales frum a nosey parkur, wantin tae ken all aboot mee, so ah fot it wid bee a good idear if ah telt ewes wit a likes.
1. Wit time did ah get up this mornin?. First time wiz at 1am, and secund time wiz at 5am.
2.Wit wiz the last film ah seen? Ah seen Beethoven Free
3.Wit iz ma favorite TV programme? The Dog Wissperur
4.Wit diz ah usuallee have fur breakfast? Half a wizzee poo.
5. Wit iz ma middull name? 'the' frum Presley the King
6. Wit food do ah dislike? Anyfin made fae deed fiss.
7.Wit car diz a drive? What kind of stoopid question is that.... ah cannee drive - yet.
8. What characteristics diz ah despise? Wit diz despise meen?
9. If ah could go on holeedae where wid it bee? Norff Berick tae see ma babe Rag
10. Wot did ah want tae bee when ah wiz little? A Greyhound
11.Wot iz ewer fav biscut? Ah pure loves Gingur Snapps.
12. Wot iz ma hare collur? Az iz pure black, wiff wite paws. PAWS ah said!!!
13. Wot iz ma fav game? Leep Frog wiff ma beetches
14. When wiz the last time ah cried? Aboot 10 mins ago tae go oot fur a pee pee.
15. Who iz ma fav cheff? Gordun Ramsee
16. Who iz ewer best pal? Mollee Wallee
17. How many peepells will respond tae this? Nun, coz am no askin them two.
Noo ewes kens all aboot mee and wot ah reelee likes.
Love fae big Presley the King xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Eggsitetin suff

2009-02-19T09:55:00.000-08:00

Hullo all ewes oot there, ah have bin pure misserabell since ah seen ma Feeonsee Rag an shee went hame efter visitin hoor wiz up. So ah says tae ma Mum and Dad that ah wood stay misserabell furever if ah didnae have anyfin tae look forwards two. They says they wood have a fink aboot ways tae cheer mee up. Ah herd them talkin aboot mee in the nexx room, so ah pit a glass against the wall tae hear better. Ah have seen that dun in the moovees and ah fink it works, but ah dropped the glass and it pure smashed all over the floor, but ah herds thems reel good. Ewes will no beeleeve what theys have got mee. Noo sum of ewes ken ah am pal of Sir Les Patterson. Hee is the only Les that hasnae bean on channel 4. Well ah herd ma Mum sayin that ma pal Les iz coming all the wae frum Oztraylia tae Glesga in Septemburs and theys are goin tae see him. So ah fink theys will definatelee bee takin mee along tae cheer mees up. Unfortoonatelee, ah will have tae go and see that wumin Dame Eddna, coz she kens ma pal Les and iz aye hangin aroond. Shee geed ma Mum Gladeeohlies last time shee met ma Mum, an ma Mum says oh Eddna theys are bootifool, so ah finks Dame Eddna will bring sum fur mee if shee kens ah will be there. Ah cannee wate tae see ma old pal Sir Les and ah will need tae tell him a foo of ma jokes. He sumtimes tells peepells ma jokes, but ah telt him no tae say that ah geed him ma jokes, coz sumtimes theys are very nottee. See, fing iz ah dont want ma Mollee tae ken ah kens nottee jokes or shee will bee pure angree.
So am away tae rite doon sum of ma jokes fur ma pal Sir Les. Maybees ah could tell him the wan aboot the Ramm wearin the bandage geer in the feeld. That wiz a rite good wan.
Oh bye the ways, the udder noos iz that ma Mum telt mee shee seen reel Lamms todaes, in a feeld in Engerland. How cool is that?
Rite am away, see ewes later, love fae big Presley the Happee King xxxxxxxx

Introdoocin Kone Heed!

2009-02-16T12:52:00.000-08:00

Hullo all ewes oot there, its mee hear big Presley.

Fank ewe all fur sendin Wizzee Wonga good wisses, but hee iz noo called Kone Heed. Noo ewes is wunderin why az haz reenamed him Kone Heed. Well see fing iz, ewe ken hee haz hunners of stitches on his nose, but theys must bee boverin him, coz hee is pure tryin tae take them oot himsell. Hee iz no aloud tae dae that, coz udderwise ma Mum and Dad widnae get there Nextur points fur takin him back tae the Vet.

Ma Mum and Dad haz bin rite bizzee wiff work, so mee and Mollee have bin good doggees and bean well behaved, so theys diznae need to worree aboot uz and wees haz bin lookin efter Kone Heed fur them. Anyways, ah fot Wizzee Wonga needin cheerin up coz hee hates wearin a Kone on his Heed. So ah fot if ah called him Kone Heed hee wid like that. Noo auld Kone Heed batters aboot the place and pure knocks everyfin doon in hiz paff, including the udder dogs.

Anyways hear iz a picktoor of auld Kone Heed fur ewes tae see how sore hiz nose looks.

KONE HEED - SIDE VOO

KONE HEED - FRONT VOO

Noo ah should pointe oot that, it wiz the Vet Docktur who pure cut so far doon Kone Heeds Nose fur tae stitch his Vane.

Am away noo tae help Kone Heed, coz am hiz guide dog. Love fae big Presley xxxx

Happee Vallentines Daes

2009-02-14T00:27:00.000-08:00

Hullo all ewes oot there, ah hopes ewe had a reelee nice Vallentines Daes, coz ah had the happeeest wan in the hole of ma life. Noo see fing iz, ah am no aloud tae go tae the sopps tae bye a Vallentines kards, so ah asked ma Mum if shee could bye mee ma Vallentines kards fur mee tae send tae ma No. 1 babes. Ah had saved up ma pocket monees esspechally fur tae bye them. Shee said shee wood, then coz of everyfin that wiz happenin wiff Wizzee and wiff hur bean so bizzee at work, shee pure forgot. So wit happined wiz thiz, ma Mollee wiz pure greetin when shee seen ah hadnae got hur a Vallentines Kard. Ah telt hur shee wiz ma No.1 babe beetch and ah only ever had eyes fur hur.
Well ewes will no beeleeve wit happined nexx and ah swears tae masell this is the troof. Mee and Mollees wiz wanderin aroond the exercise yard hear at the Open Prizon, wees wur dae dreemin aboot wur Vallentines and nexx fing a seen a car arrive, wiff no wan, but free of ma udder No. 1 babes in it. Ah wiz pure dreemin that ma Feeonsee babe Rag, an hur bootifool sisturs, Sasha and Cas got oot thiz car. Ah shouts to ma Feeonsee, ma babe Rag, ewe has finally come tae see mee in ma Prizon coz ewe diz love mee. Ah dremt Rag came runnin up tae me and geed mee a big kiss frew the gate.
Ma Mollee wiz rite angree, coz not only had shee not got a Vallentines Kard, but then all ma No.1 babes came tae see mee tae wiss mee a happee Vallentines Dae in the flessh.
Ah wiz so pure excited that an ah wiz jumpin fur joy, ah has niver bean so excited in the hole of ma life, and ah niver wanted thiz feelin tae end. But then ah wee while laters a heers a noise and mee and Mollee looked frew the prizon fense and ah seen ma babes bean poot intae a car and driven away. Ah wiz pure rite sad, but ah didnae want ma Mollee tae see mee cry, so ah went intae ma prizon cell an ah fell asleeps finkin aboot ma babes. When ah woke up ma Mollee telt mee ah wiz dreemin and theys hadnae come tae visit me. So now am no soor if theys wur hear or if ah wiz dreemin.
Ah will have tae rite tae ma Anteee Noras and Unkill Dereck and ask them if ah wiz dreemin or no. But wan fing iz fur soor, ah had the bestest Vallentines Daes ah has ever had in the hole of ma life. Ah hope ewes all haz az happee a dae a mee. Love fae big Presley the King xxxxx

9999 Call fur Wizzee!

2009-02-13T09:29:00.000-08:00

Hullo all ewes oot there, ewes will no beeleeve wit happin tae auld Wizzee, but thiz iz a troo storee.
See wit happined wiz thiz. Sum of ewes will ken that ma brover big Ivy Pvy went tae Rainbow Bridge on the 30th of January and ever since then, ma udder brover Wizzee haz bin a lot mare relaxxed around the hoose, coz sumtimes Ivy used tae growl at him.
Noo fing iz big Ivy wiz the boss of all the udder inmates, and noo Ivy isnae hear anymores, Wizzee fot hee wid bee the boss, but fing iz so diz Mac and Bazil and Roobee and Mollee, but theys iz all forgettin ah am the boss. Anyways, last nite jist as me and Mollee wur goin tae wur bed, ma Mum hears someone bark and says tae ma Dad, can ewe pleese check on the big dogs. Next fing all hell wiz let looose.
Auld Wizzee had pure pushed hiz way passed Mac and Ivor and Roobee and wan of them pure pit him in hiz place by biting him on the nose. But fing iz, the wiz blood everywhere and ah meens everywhere! Ma Mum says tae ma Dad quick fone the Vet and tell him wees are on wur wae wiff Wizzeee. Noo am no wan tae laff at udder peepells missfortoons, but fing iz ma Mum wiz in hur Jim Jams and Slip Slips reddy fur bed. Ma Dad says go and get dressed, but shee says ah havenae got times, so she jist pit hur jacket on and off theys ran. Ah fot wit the ......., wit if theys get stopped by the Polliss and ma Mum is in hur Jim Jams and pure covered in blood.
Ma Mum didnae need tae pit on the bloo lite on in the car, coz the air wiz bloo wiff what theys wur sayin about the amount of blood Wizzee wiz loosin, and shee took aff oot of hear at 800mph.
But when theys get to the Vet, there wiz a Seep bean takin in two, the seep wiz aboot tae have a Lamm!! Then the Vet seen ma Mum an Dad the Vet said "Oh ........", well ah best no repeet wit the Vet said but he wiz pure shocked and the air in there wiz Bloo two!!. Ah fot it wiz the site of seein ma Mum in hur Jim Jams and Slip Slips! The Vet said "quick, frew hear and get on the table"!! Ma Mum says, ah fink under the circumsizes ah fink ewe should see tae Wizzee first!!
Anyways, it turns oot that Wizzee had severed hiz Vane in hiz gum and the Vet pure had tae stitch the Vane first befour hee could stitch up Wizzee's nose. The Vet says that Wizzee wid have been deed had they even bean an udder 5 minits gettin tae him. Wizzee lost a rite lot of blood, so ma Mum drove at 800 mph back hame tae get Mac in case Wizzee needed a blood transfooshon. Wizzee got back hame last nite wiff his Vane stitched an aboot 80 stitches on his nose. Ah says, "am rite pleesed tae see ewe made it Wizzee, ewe have only pure survived by the skin of ewer nose"!! Then ah fot, probablee best no menshon hiz nose!
Todaes, Wizzee looks like hee has dun 80 rounds with Mike Dyson.
Ma Mum sat up all nite wiff him tae make soor that hiz Vane didnae burst open, so shee didnae get any sleeps, then shee had tae go tae work twodaes pure knackered.
Anyways, Wizzee is pure going tae bee okee, and hee now kens hee iz no aloud tae bee the boss.
But the good noos is that the little Lamm wiz born safely after the Vet did a Librarian Sexshon on the Sheep. Noo am no wan tae tell tails, but the Seep wiz white and the Lamm wiz Black, so ewe ken wits happined there!!!
Well am away tae look efter ma big brover Wizzee, coz hee is sittin in bed wiff a rite long face, so hee must be fed up.
Love fae big Presley the Docktur. Pee Ess, Mollee says hee isnae fed up, hee jizt haz a long face, but ah fink ah will go and cheer him up anyway. xxxxxxxx

Ma spellin!

2009-02-10T02:14:00.000-08:00

Hullo all ewes oot there, its mee heer big Presley.
Az sum of ewes ken az am a fillosifer, coz az am a finker. Noo ah have had a complaint sayin that ah cannee spell very well an ah cannee pronounce an 'h', coz ah says fings like fiss, fur unedoocated peepells that is sumfin that swims in watur!. Wan persun says ah did no have a good commmando of the engerliss langwage. Thats coz az am Scotteesh an am no fae Engerland, but ah dae rite ma blog in the engerland langwage. Anyways ma Mum says shee wid help mee wiff ma spellin and shee fot it wid bee a good ideer if ah red the noospaper tae help wiff thiz.
Ah didnae like the storees in the papers coz they wurnae aboot dogs and beetches, so ma Mum says why dae ewe no reed the sexshon wiff the dog furs sail in it. Noo that wiz cool, ah didnae ken ah could jizt bye ma ane beetch frum the noospaper. Ah seen hunners of dugs fur sail all lookin fur a nice home tae live in. Noo sum of ewes will have kent that a rite stoopid persun invented a dug called a Labra Dooodell. Ah have pure seen wan of them. It wiz too yeers ago and ma Mum entured mee in a dog show called Scruffts or sumfin. Noo ah should have won paws down, nae bover tae the King, but the stoopid wumin who fot shee wiz a judge didnt ken hur Pedigree Lurchers frum hur Greyhounds and shee said ah wiz a Greyhound. Ewe kens ah diz like tae dane impershonashons, but why wid ah preetend tae bee a Greyhound, when ah could have entured ma Mollee in the show and shee iz a pure pintsized Greyhound. Anyways, efter that wumin says that, ah says ewe iz a plonker, az am a Pedigree Lurcher but shee widnae heer tell of it, and nexx fing a flamin Labra Doodell stood next tae mee and shee picked it tae win.
Noo ah kens that stoopid peepells pays hunners of pounds fur wan of these Mongrells, coz they fink they are a rtie speshall breed or sumfin. But ewes will no beeleeve wit ah seen fur sail last nite in the noospaper. Ah seen ah Cock A Poo! Az says wit the .........., iz a Cock A Poo?. So ah got tae finkin wit wiz that mongrell made up of?? Well ah cannee reepeet on heer wit that mongrell iz made of, coz thiz iz a familee blog. Then ah fot tae masell, no wate wan minit, maybees theys have jizt run oot of names fur dug breeds and theys have gone doon the sames road as the Amereecan Injins, who pure named fings efter the first fing they saw, like...'runnin watur', 'little dove' and 'shittin Bull'. So ah finks that iz why they have called a dug Cock a Poo!!. Am no so sure ah reelee wants tae even see wan of these dugs, and az will no bee byein wan coz they cost £750 and az only haz £7.50 and free Euros in pockit monee.
Well thats all fur noo, az am away tae improov ma spellin and ah fink ah will campane fur less Cock a Poo's and mare dugs like mee. Ah wid bee a Greyollie, coz az am a kross between a greyhound and a collie. Love tae ewes all fae King Presley the Greyollie. xxxxxx

Poor Auld Wizzee the Wonga

2009-02-09T02:59:00.000-08:00

Hullo all ewes oot there, ah doo hope ewes are enjoyin the sssnow, coz am no. Ah am fed up wiff it noo, but ma Molleee pure loves it. Ah fink shee neerlee loves the sssnow az mutch az shee loves mee, but no quite fankfoolee, udder wize ah will be dumped again.
Anyways, ah have an udder troo storee tae tell ewes and ewes will no beeleeve wit az am aboot tae tell ewes. Diz ewe rememburs that ah said ma big brover Wizzy Wonga, wiznae feelin himsell, well if ewes didnae rememburs ah telt ewes yisterday or the udder dae.
Ma Mum wiz rite worried about Wiz, cos hee wiz shakin his heed and ma Mum wiz shakin hur heed, coz shee didnae ken wit wiz rang with Wiz. So ma Mum pure foned the Vet Docktur and made an appointments wiff them. Auld wizzy wiz a bit worreed when he seen ma Mum takin him oot tae the Pet Herse, so ah shouted frew the fence wurds of encouragements, ah says..."gone yersell auld Wiz, have a rite nice times, ewe is only goin tae the Vet Docktur, ewe will no feeel a fing". Ah fink Wiz wiz pure greetin by wit ah says, but az wiz only tryin tae help.
Ma Mollee said that wiznae nice fur mee tae tell Wiz where hee wiz going, but ah fot hee should ken, so hee widnae worree, coz he fot hee wiz going fur a walk roond the Lock.
Well, when they gets tae the Vet Docktur, all 4 of the Dockturs and the Dockturs assistant wur all on standin waitin, like Wiz wiz royaltee of sumfin. Theys said wees will jizt eggasmine him oot hear so he diznae get upsets. They had like muzzells and harrnesses and sedashons all at the reddy fur auld Wiz, who wiz pure wettin himsell when hee seen all thiz.
The Vet Dockturs said "Wits rang wiff him thiz time?" Ma Mum says hee wiz shakin hiz heed all the times. The Dockturs said ah pure hope he iz better behaved thiz time. Ma Mum wiz neerlee greetin noo, coz auld Wiz iz a furrelee nice chap, and ma Mum wiz upset theys said fings aboot Wiz. Then the Vet Docktur leened doon tae auld Wiz and said........noo thiz iz the funnee fing....he said "Ok, Presley lets have a look"!!!!!! Ah swears tae masell that iz the troof. The Vet Dockturs fot auld Wiz wiz mee. Noo that explains why all fore of the Dockturs wur there, theys fot it wiz mee and thats why theys wur treetin Wiz like Royaltee.
Ma Mum pure burst oot laffin and said thats no Presley, thats Wizzeeeee. The Docktur pulled wan of they funnee faces and says "Wit on erff wur ewe finkin, callin a boy dug Lizzee". Well by thiz point ma Mum wiz neerlee wettin hursell laffin, but Wiz wiznae, coz hee wiznae impressed wiff the Docktur. Poor auld Wiz, wiz taken in a herse tae the vet, and then he wiz pure made oot tae bee wan of they transeggsual dugs!! That wiz enuff tae make anybuddee ill.
Ewes will bee rite pleesed tae ken that Wiz iz all rite noo, hee had pure scratched the inside of hiz eer and made it bleed neer the Kanal. But wee diznae live neer a Kanal, we lives neer the watur, so ah finks they got that bit rang.
If ewes have any auld pink collurs that ewes dont need anymore, pleese send them tae mee and ah will give them tae Lizzeee, ma transeggsual bruver.
Love fae big Presley the King xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fanks

2009-02-06T01:30:00.000-08:00

Deer everyboddes, az jizt wanted tae tell ewes an udder storee.
See fing iz thiz, diz ewe rememburs that ah wiz pure ill a foo daes ago and ah said no tae send mee get well King Presley kards. Well sum of ma fannees were so socked at reedin that ah wiz so pure ill that they didnae reed that bit! Coz ewes will no beeleeve wit Postman Pat brung mee.
Hee pure brung mee the followin eyetems, sent tae mee frum ma fannneees.
Numbur Wan: An Eye patch!
Numbur Too: A get Well Kard fur ma Vet
Turd Fing: Free stickee plasturs
Numbur Fore: A packit of poo bags - fur ma Vet
A dont fink there wiz a numbur five fing:
Numbur Sex: A white stick fur tae move around wiff
Numbur Sevin: A bondage
Numbur Ate: Ten pence
and ewes will no beeleeve wit Number Ten wiz!: A plastick parrott fur tae pit on ma shoulder!
Ma Molleee wiz pure laffin when shee seen wit ah had got, coz shee fot theys fings wur reelee funnee.
So ah wid jizt like tae say a big fank ewe fur sendin mee these fings, but in footure jist send the monee pleese.
Ah am mutch bettur todaes fank ewe, but auld Wizzy isnae dane too well.....but beefore ewes all rush oot tae send him fings, jist contact mee first and ah will start a pockit monee fund fur him coz hee iz ma pal.
Have a nice dae, lots of love fae big Presley the King xxxxx

A Weak Aff

2009-02-04T23:25:00.000-08:00

Hullo all ewes oot there, its mee again big Presley. Noo ah have a reel troo storee tae tell ewes twoday. Ah telt ewes yisterdae that ma Mum wiz goin on a holleedae tae Bar Seelona, but shee iz only goin there fur a long weakend and no a sort weakend. So shee haz bin finkin aboot holleedaes beecos shee needs a brake away frum hur work.
The storree ah want tae tell ewes twodae is aboot wur nayburs. Noo they are rite cool nayburs ah fink they are called the Goods. Diz ewe rememburs the Good life on the tellys, where the peepells pure went all Green. No green like the incredibull hulk, but weerdo green, cos they like lived off the land tipe of peepells. Well the Goods nexx tae us dae the same fing. They haz seeps, and lams, and kalffs, and chickens and pigs and udder fings and they bring them tae live wiff them and feed them so they are pure fat like Bazil, then they do rite nastee fings tae them and send them tae the chainsaw massacarr man then they pure eets them. YUCK.
Ewe kens ah am a vegeetareean and only eeet meet, so ah diz not agreee wiff dane that tae aneemals. Anyways, ma Mum pure falls in love wiff the aneemals that lives there coz they are wee babees, but shee iz no so keen on them when theys are big and fat and smellee like the pigs wur last summer times.
So wit happined yisterday wiz thiz, ma Mum wiz getting reddy to go oot and the doorbell rang. Ma Dad ansured it and it wiz Mr Good wur naybur. All ma mum could heer wiz Mr Good sayin sumfin aboot a week aff. So once Mr Good went away, shee said tae ma Dad, wit did Mr Good want tae ken aboot ma holleedae? Ma Dad pure laffed cos he didnt understand wit ma Mum wiz talkin aboot. So she pure pulled wan of they faces and said tae ma Dad 'Mr Good said sumfin aboot ma week aff' . Ma Dad pured laffed and says, no, no, no, Mr Good wiznae sayin anyfin aboot ewer week aff, his wiz talkin aboot his week aff. (Ah hopes ewes are followin ma storree!!).
Ma Mum says 'oh is Mr Good havin a week aff tae'? Nexx fing that happined and ah swear tae masell this is the troof. Ma Dad brought in a big bag and opened it and said tae ma Mum 'Mr Good brought us his wee caff, fur us tae eet'. In the bag wiz stakes, and sossogees and under fings tae eet. It turns oot Mr Good got too mutch beef back fae hiz wee caff fur him tae eet himsell and geed it tae uz. Ewe should have herd ma Mum screeem. Well ewes probably did, aboot free o'clock yistereday!! Ah fink shee pure neer fainted too.
So mee and Molleee are rite lookin forward tae eetin Sir Loin stakes and sossogees fur the next free weaks. Hope ewes are no two jelloss!!
Love fae big Presley the vegeetareean meet eeter. xxxxxxxxx

Holleedays in warr zones!

2009-02-04T03:20:00.000-08:00

Hullo all ewes oot there, ewes will be rite pleesed tae ken that az am feeling rite better noo, but ah still haz a black eye, well ah haz too black eyes but wan iz still all bloodee.
Anyways back tae bizziness. Ah finks ah will let ewes into a seekret. Ma Mum iz goin away on a holleedays - thats iz pure fantasstick fur mee and Mollee. No fing iz am no soor where shee iz goin, but ah finks shee said shee wiz havin a hooeeday in a pub!. Eye thats troo! Noo the pub iz called the Bar Seelona. Am no soor wit tipes of holleeday shee will have in a pub, but ah fink there will bee sum drinkin goin on! Mee and Molleee wur pure eeree wiggin (thats listenin in tae udder peepeells biziness fur undedoocated peeepells), and ah herd ma Mum sayin shee wiz sad that shee couldnae go back tae hur favorite place fur the weakend. Noo ah finks shee said hur favorite place wiz a place called Beetroot, an ah have niver in ma hole life herd of a place called that. But ma Mollee wiz pure laffin and says it wiz a place called Bayroot. Ah says that cannee be rite Molleee coz ah finks there iz a warr in Bayroot or sumfin and wit wid ma Mum want tae go back there fur.
See ma Mum wiz in Bayroot ah fink it wiz last weak or sumfin, or maybee it wiz a foo yeers ago, am no soor but that wiz when ma Mum wiz at See. Shee had also bin tae Collumbeeah, noo ah fot that Collumbeeah wiz a Dicktecktive on the tellys, but it turns oot its an udder place that theys have bommers. Noo ah have bin finkin aboot the times ma Mum wiz at See and ah fot shee pure worked on the big Sipps fur tae take peepells on holleedays, but ah finks shee wiz maybees reeelee in the armees coz why else wid shee have bean tae these weerdo placees.
Noo if ah had kent fur wan minit that shee wiz in the armees ah widnae huv boxed wiff the Vet the udder day, ah wid have leff that tae ma Mum.
So mee and Mollees are on an undercover opperashon tae work oot if ma mum wiz a bommer. But eiver way, ah bet shee wiznae az good at dane bommers az mee, and if ewes diznae beeleeve mee, ask the Vet coz ah dun the biggest bommer on him that hee had ever seen in the hole of his life.
Big Presley the bommer iz off fur tae get hiz arrmee kit reddy. xxxx

Floatin like a Butter Fly

2009-02-03T02:30:00.000-08:00

Hullo all ewes oot there, ewes will no beeleeve wits happined tae mee. Ah have no bin well.

Noo wit happined wiz thiz. Mee and Mollee wur taken tae the Vet fur tae get wur annual injeckshons - thiz only happins one times a yeer. Well in wees go tae see the vet and ma Mollee wiz pure dane hur shakin steevens impershonashon, so ah had tae bee tuff and show hur ah wiz nae feert. Ah wiz rite tuff and scaree, so the Vet pit a hannibal lecture face mask on mee and ah must admitt ah did look like a rite plonker.

Next fing ah seen the Vet stickin sumfin in ma Mollee's neck and ah swears tae masell it looked like a neeedell. Az says 'oh no wate wan minit ewe are no dane that tae mee' and ah pure started boxing wiff the Vet, like skippy the kangarooo. But see fing iz the Vet fot hee wiz tuff two, mare like tuff tee the squirrell if ewes ask mee. Anyways, next fing ah kens ah wiz pure floatin like a Butter Fly, just befour the ineckshon Stung like a Beee!

Ah diznae ken wit happin tae mee, but ah finks ah wiz drugged or sumfin.

Ah shouted 'hey ya tube az am fallen asleep and ah cannee box ewe if az am asleep. I couldnae bite the Vet, so I dun the nexx best fing an ah pood rite on him, how cool wiz that?

Ah wid tell ewe wit happined nexx, but ah diznae ken, so ah cannee tell ewes. But fing iz, when ah woke up 6 hours laters, ah wiz in ma ane living rooms wiff a blanket on mee like ewe see ill peepells have in a hosspetal. Ah looked in the mirrur and wit did ah see? Well ah seen masell, but udder than that ah had a huge massive black eye. Noo ah kens wit ewes are finkin, ewes are finkin that az am a black dug ah have black eyes, but thiz wiz different, ma eye wiz like fool of blood or sumfin and ah had udder cuts all over ma boddee, jist like ma heeero Mohamed Allee.

Ah herd ma Mum sayin tae ma Dad that she fot she should fone the Vet and ask if the huge cut on his hand wiz better. Ma Mollee wiz pure laffin when shee herd that, coz shee telt mee that ah pure geed the Vet a tankin and ma nail ripped a big hole rite doon hiz hand, and a poo'd on him. Ma Mollleee says it wiz the funniest fing shee had ever seen in the hole of hur life and it took the Vet an hour tae gee mee ma innockulashon. Ah finks that is an udder world reckord set by mee big Presley. Noo ah will show ewes the picktoors of mee, so that ewes will ken how pure ill ah wiz, but dont send mee a get well sooon king presley card, pleese jist send the monee insted.

Thiz is ma black eye

Thiz iz mee bean ill

Cheer up dae

2009-02-02T03:53:00.001-08:00

Hullo all ewes oot there its mee hear... big Presley. Ah have had tae make sum decsions over the past too days aboot fings and ah fot ah wid let ewes ken wit ah have decided.
Noo numbur wan fing. Noo pleese do not bee two disapointed wiff ma first fing, but ah have bin inundated wiff orders fur peepells wantin a Klone of mee, but ah fink i'll no bover tae get Klones of masell, coz ah fink Wan King is enuff fur this world tae cope wiff and anyway ma Mollees wiz greetin coz shee said shee widnae ken wit wan wiz the reel mee. An ah cannee have ma Mollee greetin.
Next fing iz that wees have bin pure upsets coz ma big brover went tae Ranebow Bridge the udder day, so ah fot it wiz time tae cheer everyboddees up. Noo ah fot the best wae fur mee tae do thiz iz by showin ewes sum picktoors of mee and ma Mollee. Ewes can print ma picktoor and stick it up. Noo wate wan minite ah didnae say where ewes wur tae stick it. Ah meens on ewer wall or sumfin. Ah ken its no as good as havin a Klone, but its the next best fing. And ....ah can come an stay wiff ewe fur a sleeep over if ewes have a coot beetch in ewer hoose.
Here is ma picktoors fur ewes

Noo thiz nexx wan iz funnee - look at ma Molleees face, ah wiz shoutin tae hur, 'Mollee az have a big fing fur ewe'. Ah diznae ken wit shee fot it wiz!!!

In Memoree of Big Ivy Pyvee

2009-01-30T11:31:00.000-08:00

Deer everboddees, az am rite sorree tae say that ma Big Brover Ivor, affectshonally kent az Big Ivy Pyvee went tae Rainbow Bridge at 10.30am this morning.

Hee wiz a furrelee nice chap and ma Mum called him P Bear - that stood fur Polar Bear - cos hee looked jizt like wan, and hee wiz ma Dads best pal.

Wee are all rite sad tonites and the open prizon at Lan Ark will niver bee the same wiffoot him.

Run free big man, look efter all the udders up there and wee's will meet again wan day.

Love fae yer weee bruver King Presley xxxxxx

Where shoold ah invest ma moneee??

2009-01-28T00:57:00.000-08:00

Hullo all ewes oot there, how r ewes doin?
Noo ewes is all wunderin why az am sooooo happee todaes. Well there are too fings that have made mee happee todaes. Numbur wan iz that ma Mum haz bin talkin aboot goin on a croose soon. How cool iz that? That meens that mee and Mollee gets a holeedaes even if wees didnae leeve the Open Prizon hear at Lan Ark. Coz see fing iz, ah can dae wit a like when theys are no hear an ah gets pure spoiled. See ma Mum pure tells everybuddee that ah am a nut job, but ah pure like tries to beehave masell so peepells fink ma Mum wiz tellin them porkee pies! So the peepells feel rite sorree fur mee and gee mee unners of cuddells and sumtimes kissess. Am no so soor ah likes them given mee kisses, but ah soor likes tae give them kisses, espeshally if ah have jist cleened oot ma bits. So ah wiz finkin that ah should gee ma Mum sum monee fur spending on holeedae and she can bring mee back sumfin nice. But then, wate wan minit, ah have a dielemmarr. Coz ma pal in Souff Koreeeah haz learned how tae Klone a dug. Eye that iz troo.
So, ah wiz finkin that maybees ah sould save up ma pockit monee and buy masell a reel dug of masell. Can ewes imagin how cool that wid bee if there wiz too King Presleys insted of Wan King.
Noo see ah kens wit ewes are finkin, ewes are finkin why wid King Presley want an udder King Presley. Well, ah wiz finkin that if there wiz too King Presleys, ma Klone could stay hear wiff ma Mollee and ah could go and live wiff ma Feeonsee Rag. Noo sumtimes, ah wid swop places wiff the Klone and come back hear tae the Open Prizon tae make soor Mac isnae tryin tae move in on ma Mollee. Noo its xpensive tae get a Klone of mee, so ah wid need to save up fur aboot 49 yeers, but ah finks it wid bee worff it. So ma dielemmarr is thiz, dae ah gee ma Mum spendin monee fur hur holedae tae bye mee sumfin nice or does ah save up fur a Klone??
Az will need tae gee thiz wan a bit of fot, but az will let ewes ken wit ah have decided.
Love fae big Presley the King - the Wan King at the moment. xxxxxx

The first Piktoor iz the Reel King Presley an the second wan is wit ma Klone wid look like!

Its Rabbee Burns Dae!

2009-01-25T02:04:00.000-08:00

Hullo everybodees, its mee big Presley, or fur ma fannees, ewes can call mee Preslee Burns todae!
Noo see fur all ewes undedoocated peepells oot there, todae is Rabbee Burns dae, and ah fink az am related tae him. Ah fink hee wiz ma grate, grate, grate, grate grandfather or sumfin. Noo wate wan minit, az kens wit ewes are finkin. Ewes are finkin that az am only sayin that coz hee iz neerlee as famoose az mee. But that iz no troo. See fing iz, have ewes ever red any of hiz poemms, coz if ewes have, ewes will see that hee pure spells everyfin like mee. Ah swears tae masell hee diz. If ewes are no familiar wiff hiz poemms, hear iz a reemindur of wit hee rote, and ewes will see there iz a familee reesemblense.
My Love is like a Read Read rose - thiz wiz rit fur ma Mollee and ma Rag and all ma udder babes.
Address fur tae send the Haggiss - thiz wiz rit fur Bazil, coz he iz a fat man.
Auld Langs Wine - wiz rit fur Wizzy Wong.
Hollee Willees Prayer - ah dont fink az should say who he rit this wan fur, but ewes can fink aboot it yersells.
and last but no leest.. 'To a Moose' - that wiz rit fur ma Mollee, coz shee pure kills all the mice.
Noo ewes can see why az iz reelated tae Rabbee Burns, and az will bee havin ma Haggiss tonites and ma Dad can have the Wiskee.
So when ewes have a drink tae Rabbee Burns tonite, ewe can have a piece of toast fur mee too.
Have a rite nice Presley Burns Dae, all ma loves Big Presley xxxxxx

Gee the man hiz medall

2009-01-19T01:59:00.000-08:00

Hullo all ewes oot there. Noo first fings first. Ma Mum says am no aloud tae say 'ewes is ma fannees'. Shee said the wurd am lookin fur iz Fans. Well am no so soor, an ah says tae hur that ma fannees will no kent wit ah meen, theys will fink ah have forgottin how tae spell or sumfin.
Anyways, wees had a pure brillent weakend, coz ma Unkill George came tae stay wiff uz and hee iz so pur funnee and hee made mee and Mollee laff at all hiz troo storees. See ma Mum haz bin friends wiff Unkill George fur aboot 68 years or sumfin, its a rite long time.
Noo fing iz, ma Unkill George wiz a pollisman fur aboot 27 of they yeers, but no a WTC, fur uneducated peepells that stands fur Wooden Top Cop, hee wiz in the seereeus crime squad and hee had a gun, so hee delt wiff reel seereeus fings like ma pal on the tellys Taggart, who works oot who did murrdurs. Cool eh? Anyways when ma Unkill George wiz a pollisman, hee got a certificate fur bean brave, it wiz the highest commendation a pollisman can get. Noo normallees a pollisman wid get a medal fur tae go wiff thiz certificate, but hee niver got hiz medal, so ah deecided tae turn dog dickective and find oot why not. Ah fund the ansur in a book ritten by the heed of the seereeus crime squad. Ewes will no beeleeve it, but it turns oot that Unkill George pure swore at a robber when hee arrested him! Ah swears tae masell that iz the troof. The WTC brigade of nut job seenur officers, the wans that are two afraid tae leeve there desks, deecided that wiznae PC, which stands fur Pollisman Currsin. Noo ah cannee repeet wit it wiz that hee said eggactlee, but wit hee said wiz 'move and I'll blow yer f....... heed aff'. Noo ah finks that wiz PC an ah finks if mare pollis did thiz tae robbers, wees wid live in a safer world.
Ma Mollee wiz pure greetin when ah telt hur that storree, coz shee fot Unkill George wid dae that tae hur fur killin the mice in the gerdin. But see fing iz, wit shee didnae ken wiz that ah had telt ma Unkill that shee kilt them bye acksident and didnae mean tae, so it wiz moose slaughter and no man slaughter. Ah fot it wiz funnee tae let hur fink hee had come fur tae arrest hur and maybees shee will catch uz a moose fur tae keep az a pet in the hoose next times. Efter shee had pure wet hersell fur the turd time, ah telt hur hee wiz retired frum the Pollis noo and couldnae arrest hur. The look on hur face wiz pure funnee.
Anyways, ah finks ma Unkill should get hiz medal, but no fur swearin, fur bean pals wiff ma Mum fur so many yeers. Noo ah fink that over the commin monffs ah will tell ewe sum of ma Unkills rite funnee storees, hee iz a pure hoot and mee and Mollee hope wee will see him soon tae tell uz sum mare storees of bean a Pollisman and maybees hee could get mee a job az a Pollis Dug. Rite az am aff tae play in the ssssssssnnoooowwww!! wey hey Molleee!!
Love fae big Presley the next Pollis Dug. xxxx

Ha Ley Loo Yah!

2009-01-16T23:46:00.000-08:00

Hullo everyboddees, az hope ewes iz az happee az mee!
Noo let mee tells ewes a troo storee and ah swears tae masell this is the troof, but its so good ah dont fink even ma most loyal fannees will beeleeve mee.
See fing iz ah used tae beeleeve in Angels, eye its troo, but then ah sent wan of ma Angels tae ma Antee Noras. And ewes will no beeleeve it. Ma Angel couldnae even find hur wae tae Edinburger. Noo fing iz is if shee cannee look efter hersell, wit chance haz she got lookin efter ma Antee Noras. So ah pure sacked that Angel, and ah said tae Molllee ah didnae beeleeve in Angels anymores. Ma Mollee said it wiznae the Angels falt that shee got lost. Mollee finks postman pat wiz jizt probably playin wiff hiz pusseee cat and forgot tae delivers wur letteur.
Anyways, yisterday, Mee and Mollee wiz at the sopps, fur tae bye sum sopping at the pet sopp. Az wees wur walkin tae the pet sopp ah looked intae the windae of an udder sopp and ah fot all ma kismmasses had come at once. Ewes will no beeleeve wit theys wur sellin. Noo thiz iz the troof and ewes can check it oot fur yersells. This sopp wiz sellin......trees!! Eye trees, but wate wan minit no jizt any auld trees, like the wans wee dugs use tae pee pee on. These wur magic trees!! Honest!! Theys had a big notice beside them and it says 'Grow yer own Plums'!!!
Ah swear tae masell that is pure 100000% the troof. Ah pure yelled Ha Ley Loo Ya, fae the top of ma heed. Ah checked oot ma pocket monee, but ah only had eenuff monee tae bye wan tree, but az only need too plums, so ah hope wan tree will bee eenuff. Noo between ewe an mee, ah finks thiz iz wan big monee makin scam by the Vets. See they pure remove a dugs plums when theys are no lookin and pit them in jars. Then they sell the 'grow yer an plums' trees next tae the pet sopp, so wees dugs will rush in an bye them. So in a foo monffs ah will have ma ane plums! Ah will let ewes ken wit theys are like, but rite noo am off tae fank the angels fur pure listen tae ma prayers! Ha Ley Loo Yah!!
An also tae fank them fur lookin efter ma Antee Noras. Ah loves ewe Antee Noras.
Buy for noo, big Presley the King - who will have hiz an plums soon xxxxxxxxxxx

Mum and Dad had a joint!

2009-01-13T10:50:00.001-08:00

Hullo all ewes oot there, how are ewes all doin todaes?
Well mee and Mollee had a grate dae yesterdaes, but can ewes beelevee it, coz it got even bettur. See wit happined wiz thiz, ma Mum decided tae have a joint. Noo ah swears tae masell that iz the troof. Ah seen her gettin oot all the fings fur tae make it. She had stuff that looked like grass and tinfoil and a spoon and off she goes wiff grate gusto take make it. It wiz the biggest joint ah had ever seen in the hole of ma life. Mee and Mollee wur pure laffin at her, coz Mum wiz pure kiddin on like shee kent wit shee wiz doin wiff it, but they could have shared it wiff aboot 10 peepells and pure enjoyed it. Then ma Dad comes home and ma Mum says wiff a big smile on hur face, wees are going tae have a joint. Well ewe should have seen the look on ma Dads face, it wiz like pure shock horror!! Hee says tae Mum, ah cannee rememburs the last time ah had a joint, ah finks it wiz a University, when ah had long hair, and didnae ken wit dae of the weak it wiz. Well between ewe and mee, ah diznae fink ma Mum kent wit dae of the weak it wiz eiver. So, shee pure sat ma Dad doon and geed him the joint. Well ah swears tae masell, Mee and Mollee pure laffed fur ages. Coz ma Mum wiz rite chuffed wiff hur effort and ma Dads face wiz a picktoor. Ma Dad unwrapped the tinfoil, wiff the spoon in hiz udder hand and looked at the joint! It wiz still massive, ah fink ma Mum must have dun sumfin rang. Before wee kent wit had happined there wiz blood everywhere, honest there wiz. Mee and Mollee wur pure laffin so mutch bye noo ah fot Mollee wiz goin tae do hur usual and wet hursell. Like ah fot, Mum had messed up hur joint and shee hadnae cooked it long eenuff. It wiz like pure raw in the middell.
See fing iz, ma Mum bot the joint fur the time that wees had friends commin tae visit, but shee pure had niver cooked wan so big, and thats how shee didnae cook it long eenuff.
So mee and Mollee ended up wiff the joint and theys ended up wiff cold meet!! A purrfect end tae a purrfect dae fur mee and Mollee. Wees wur fool up and wees will bee eetin the joint fur the rest of the weak. Fanks Mum, ewe are a star, wees love ewe, even if ewe is a plonker!
Love tae ma Antee Noras, love fae big Presley the King who loves a joint xxxxxxxxx

Pure Eegit Man

2009-01-12T06:23:00.000-08:00

Hullo all ewes oot there, hows it goin?
Well mee and Mollee haz had a rite nice day, and so haz Captin and hiz burd. Noo see fing iz, Captins burd diznae look too well, so ma Mum foned the Burd Vet and hee said hee wiz used tae deelin wiff burds and hee kent wit tae doo wiff a doo. So ma Mum took Captin and hiz burd tae see him and hee geed the burd medisin fur tae make hur better. But fing iz, the Burd Vet said tae pit sum blackcurrent joose in the water tae disguise the taste of the medisin. Wees diznae have blacurrent joose, so when ma Mum came home she took mee and Mollee tae the sops tae bye sum. But fing iz when wees went tae drive oot frum wur hoose a big Argos lorree wiz blockin wur driveway. Ma Mum says in hur best posh electrocushon voice, 'scoose mee, could ewe pleese move ewer lorree'. Tae whitch the man replied 'naw, no fur an udder fore minits, coz of ma tackograff'. Mee and Mollee pure laffed at him sayin that tae ma Mum. So ma Mum says 'well could ewe pleese reverse doon the lane a bit tae let mee oot'. The man says 'Naw, no fur an udder fore minits'. Well see ma Mums face it wiz a pure picktoor and mee and Mollee wiz laffin wur heeds aff. Az says tae Mollee, omg, hear comes yon red mist stuff!! Az swears tae masell, thats the troof, ah pure seen it comin doon over ma Mum and wees wur shoutin, gee him a tankin Mum. Noo am no sure if wees helped or made fings wurse, but it wiz rite funnee. Next fing ma Mum says 'If ewes dont move ewer lorree, I will stick ewer tackograff where the sun diznae shine'. Ah finks that wiz the bit that Mollee laffed so mutch shee pure wet hersell in ma Mums noo car. Ah fink the man in the lorree pure understood exactlee where that place is that the sun dont shine coz hee pure moved hiz lorree. Ah wiz pokin ma heed oot the windae tryin tae look rite feersum, but its no eezy when ewe is laffin so mutch. Anyways, off wees go, fore minits later tae the sopps.
But ma Mum haz a memoree like a goldfiss, and shee pure forgot why shee had took uz tae the sopps. So wees went tae the park insted. That wiz rite cool. Mee and Mollees had the park tae wursells, like a private park or sumfin. So that wiz ma rite cool dae, so noo am away fur a sleeps, and ma Mum iz away back tae the sopps fur blackcurrent joose fur the burd.
Love tae ma Antee Noras, love fae big Presley the King xxxxx

Wees all floo over the cookoos nest!

2009-01-09T12:47:00.000-08:00

Hullo everyboddees its mee Big Presley the nut job King.
Well wees have had a rite bizzee toodae hear at the Open Prison in Lan Ark. First fing todaes wiz big Ivor, udder wise kent az P Bare, coz hee went tae the Vet Dentist! Noo wate wan minit, hee's no called P Bare in the sense of a Bare Peein, its cos Mum finks hee looks like a polar bare. Anyways, off hee goes pure waggin his tale, like a rite tube, finkin hee wiz goin tae the park and wey hey... hee gets taken to the Vet Dentist. Noo sum of ewes will rememburs that ma Mum didnae have mutch luck at the Vet Dentist before kissmass, when theys did the root treetment on the rang toof. So wiff that in mind, the Vet Dentist decided no tae bover wiff all that and jizt took Ivors teef oot. Eye, all of them, well all of thems that hee had left, and that wiz the 4 big wans at the back of hiz moof. Noo before ewes all start sendin him get well soon kards and website addresses fur falsers, hee still haz hiz big teef at the front fur tae bite peepells wiff, so its no all doom and gloom. Mind ewe if ewe seen the nick of Ivor comin back frum the Vet Dentist, ewe wid fink it wiz all doom and gloom.
Noo wit dae ewes make of uz hear at the Open Prizon in Lan Ark, wees are a rite bunch or weerdos.
Mee big Presley the nut job seeing a sikyatrist, Ivor wiff nae teef, Roobee wiff nae leg, Wizzee wiff nae eyesite or heerin, Big Mac wiff a complexshon aboot bean black, Basil wiff nae pies left fur him tae eet. Zoro wiff hiz Victur Meldrew attitood, Captain wiff nae fethurs, his burd wiff nae will tae live and ma Mum that haz so mutch rang wiff hur, ah wid bee hear all dae listin hur problems. Oh eye and mee wiff nae plums! Wot ah want tae ken is wit are they dane wiff all wur spare bits are they like makin an udder dug or sumfin? Like a Frankinsteen Dug? mmmh ah fink theys are.
So ah finks wee should make wur ane movie called 'wees all flew over the cookoos nest'. Ah swears tae masell, if it wiznae fur bad luck wees widnae have any luck at all. So lets all drink tae Bad Luck, coz its better than nae luck at all, and wees havenae mutch else tae drink tae.
Noo ah wid like tae menshon free peepells az have bin finkin aboot, congratoolatshons tae ma Antee Haylee and Unkill Jason fur theys are tae bee marreed sumtime, so thats cool. And tae ma Antee Eleena who haz a noo neecap and will bee home tomorrows frum hospeetal and ah want tae send all ma love tae ma Antee Noras.
Az will bee back tomorrows tae let ewe kens wit mush ivor gets fur hiz dinner.
Love fae big Presley the King xxx

Pure Mentill

2009-01-08T09:23:00.000-08:00

Hullo everyboddees, well its troo, az am a 100% nut job and its pure bin verified bye the sikyatrist. How cool iz that? But the good fing iz, its not jizt mee, its ma Mum and Dad too, fur theys have made mee bee like thiz - its offisheeal ah am a pure celebritty nut job in ma ane prizon cell. Ah had a pure dead brilliant dae yisterday at the sikyatrist, there wiz lots of rite nice fings fur mee tae play wiff. Az got a big ball fing tae play wiff, makes a change frum the two burst balls az usually plays wiff! Anyways, it wiz fool of treets and all ah had tae dae tae get a treet wiz roll the ball. Man that sikyatrist must see sum reel nut jobs if that wiz a test, coz ah got it first times and stuffed ma face fool off treets. Az am also getting noo food tae eet, tae see if that will help mee bee a rtie nice dug, so its oot wiff that rotten stuff that tastes like deed fish, the salmon and rice, and in wiff the duck and rice. Well ah fink they said duck and rice, maybee they says f.... the rice. But anyways, its pure cool and mee and mollee reelee likes it.
Noo fur ma udder noos. Captin wur canaree haz got himsell a burd. Ah swears tae masell that iz the troof. Ah finks shee iz goin tae bee called Tineel. That meens wee wid have Captin and Tineel. Captin iz pure singing tae Tineel all the times, an hee iz singing, 'Do that to me wan mare time'. Honest he iz, coz ah kens that song, and ah have tot him tae sing it. Ma best song at the moment iz 'If I had wurds', coz ah herd that on the film 'Babe'
Ah wid also like to send all ma love to ma Antee Noras.
lots of love fae big Presley xxxx

Its pure Sssssnowin hear!

2009-01-06T11:34:00.000-08:00

Deer everybuddees, az cannee beeleeve it, its pure sssnowin hear in Lan Ark. Noo normalees ah loves the ssssnow, but fing iz ah have tae go tae see the sikyatrist tomorrow mornings and wees cood be ssssnowed in. Noo az am rite lookin forward tae meetins thiz man who iz goin tae cure mee of all ma mentill problems. Noo ah herd ma Mum sayin that ah wiz tae get a frontal la bottomee. Ah finks the wurd 'la bottommee' is frensh fur a***se, or fur posh peepells, bottom! Noo how can ah get a front bottom, am a boy dug for cryin oot loud, and its only girl dugs that have a front bottom and a back bottom!!. Ah hopes theys are no tryin tae get mee tae bee wan of they transeggsuals and take ma boy bits away and replace them wiff girl bits. If theys dae that, ah will pure report thems tae sumone.
See ah fink ah kens wit the problem iz. See fing iz thiz, the udder day, ma Mum fot shee wid have a glass of wine, it wiz called First Cape - ah fink Superman makes it - well ma Dad finks hees Superman when hee drinks it!!!. See hee diz hiz impershunashon of Superman climbing up the walls, but ma Dad diz the same fing on the floor!! Anyways, wit happined wiz thiz and ah swear tae masell thiz iz the troof. It says on the back of the bottle, cellarage, that iz where peepells keeps celleree fur the soop. Noo ma Mum didnae have hur glasses on, coz she had the glasses on the table. Noo the labell red: Drink wiffin 12 monffs. But ma Mum fot it says: Drink wiffin 12 minuts!! An shee finks ah am in need of wan of the Frensh fings a Frontal Labottomee.
Ewes have no ideer wit mee and Mollee have tae pit up wiff and ah fink the sikyatrist will realise tomorrow that their iz noffin wrang wiff mee, but maybees shee can help ma Mum.
Az will let ewe kens how ah get on and if the men in white coats come and take ma Mum away.
Love fae Big Presley the King xxxxxxxxxxx

Hapee Noo Yeers!

2009-01-04T03:53:00.000-08:00

Hullo everyboddee, its mee big Presley and az oot of the cooler and am back fur the noo yeers!
Wee's had tae cansell wur noo yeers coz ma best buddee Olly went tae join Denzil at the Bridge.
But noo az am back and fings are back tae normals.
Mind ah telt ewe wees had a noo gold on-sweet in wur livin room and ah pure lifted ma leg and did wit a king haz tae do, well ah canee rememburs if ah telt ewes it pure lit up like a kissmass tree, but it did thats the troof. Well ah should say it did!! See fing iz, az am gettin the blame fur blown the bloomin fing up, all coz the lites went oot on Boxin day and wees have had tae send it back.
Noo ma big bruver Wizzee Wonga iz feelin himsell again, so thats cool and so iz ma big sistur Roobee, the udders have always felt themsells!! Yuck!! Sumfin horrid happined tae mee the udder day but az didnae tell anyones, but az will tells ewes if ewes promiss no tae tell anybuddees. See fing iz, ah dont ken how ah managed tae do thiz, but ah have cut ma tale! Its troo ah did. Noo under normal circumsizes there wid bee a lot of blood frum a cut tale, but ah have cut ma tale rite up neer ma back bottom and thats how naebuddee kens its there. Ah didnae want the vet docktur tae look at ma back bottom, so ah jizt preetends az am cleenin oot ma bits.
Noo fing iz, az hopes ewe all got wit ewes wanted frum Santa Paws, coz ah have sacked him, coz hee only geed mee wan fing frum ma list and that wiz a noo collar. Its pritty cool, its Royal Bloo, fit fur a King like mee. Mollee looks cool in hurs, coz its silver wiff black and it pure matches hur eyes. Wees wur goin tae bye ma Mum a noo collar fur hur kissmass, wan tae match hur eyes, but wee couldnae find a yellow wan!!
In 20000009 az am goin tae see a sikyatrist, coz ah have a sindrome. No bipolar, coz that iz wit homosextual white bears gets. Az have attenshon seekin sindrome, bipresley. Noo ah dont mind if az am cured of ma sindrome, az long az ah still gets lots of attenshon.
So ah will let ewes ken how ma treetment goes. How cool iz that havin a sindrome.
Rite am away tae wiss ma nayburs dugs a happeee noo yeers.
Love fae Presley the King xxxxxxxxx

Sad Day!

2009-01-01T11:18:00.000-08:00

Hullo all ewes oot there, its mee back again, big Presley
Wees hoped that thiz wid bee a reelee good yeer for uz and for ewes, but sadly wur yeer didnae get aff tae a good stert. Fing iz thiz, ma big pal Olly died todays. It wiz very sudden, hee jist died.
Noo fing iz thiz. Olly came to live wiff uz at the Open Prizon in Lan Ark about 14 monffs ago. Man hee wiz soooooo cool, and hee looked jist like Denzil Wenzil - the rite famoss cat - but ma Mum wiz a bit scared aboot that. Anyway, Olly wiz called Olly, coz that wiz hiz name. But fing iz when he came tae live wiff uz, hee had bin pure chucked oot of hiz last hoose coz the plonker that owned him got himself the 'shee devil' tae live wiff him and shee didnae like cats. So she telt the bloke, its ivor mee or the cat. The plonker chose the shee devil and pure pit Olly up fur adoptshon. Hee wiz 9 yeers old and had lived az a hoose cat all hiz life, so in udder wurds hee couldnae look efter himsell ootside. Ma Mum felt rite sorree for him and geed him a home. Hee wiz rite cool and big Mac the black man, pure liked him and hee liked Mac. Coz see fing iz, Mac wiz still missin Denzil Wenzil and Mac needed a cat pal, so in came Olly. Olly wiz a boy, but the plonker that hee used tae live wiff fot hee wiz a girl and called him Holly. Ma Mum isnae intae sex changes - eye az ken ewes cannee beelevee that lookin at hur, but anyways, shee said that isnae rite and wee will drop the 'H' and call him Olly!! Olly wiz pure the bizziness and when Charlee (a wumin cat) and Zorro (who used tae bee called Zara), came tae live wiff uz, they pure moved in wiff Olly. Noo Charlee (a sex change wumin cat), seen Olly, shee pure fell in love. Az cannee say the same aboot Zorro (the udder sex change cat), hee didnae like him at all and theys wur always geein eetch other a doin. Az hopes ewes have kept up wiff all the sex change names in thiz hoose - az finks az am the only wan wiff a reel name, an ah fink Mollee reelee iz a Molleee!!! Anyways, ah used tae have tae go an visit Olly and Zorro and ah wid say 2nd's away, round free!! So theys could stert boxin again. It wiz rite funnee. But fing iz thiz Olly....az fot ewe wur a rite pure gentleman, and ewe were rite loved and will bee rite missed.
Az kens that Denzil Wenzil will bee waitin fur ewe at the Bridge. Sleep tite ma wee buddee, wee loves ewe loads. xxxxx
Az am away noo, a very sad big Presley the King xxx

Rev I AM Molly

2008-12-31T03:05:00.000-08:00

Deer Subjects, its no Presley its mee, the Rev I AM Molly, udder wise kent as Molly Mouse Hunter.
Mee and Presley haz bin lookin back over 2000008 and finkin aboot everyfin that haz happined tae us hear at the open prizon in Lan Ark, and fings that haz happined tae wur brovers and sisssters and tae wur mum and dad. Two fousand and ate, haz bin a rite funnee yeer fur uz all.
The furst half of the yeer wiz reelee good, coz mee and Presley and big black Mac, wur on the tellys and wees wur rite faemoss, noo that wiz cool. Ma mum wiz reelee bizzee at work, witch wiz good fur hur, but no so good fur the peepells who ma mum wiz helpin. Then in the summer times wee had a dug called Keeera stayin wiff uz and Presley pure fanceed hur, so ah went aff ma nut at him and geed him a rite tankin fur tryin tae play leep frog wiff hur. Then ma bootifool big sisster Roobee took no well and she had hur leg ampootated. So tae make hur feel better, Presley fot it wid bee a good idear fur mee and him tae tie wur legs togeffer and have a free legged race wiff Roobee. Az spent pure ages tryin tae tell him that if wees tied wur legs togeffer it wid be a 7 legged race, but he pure didnae undertand ma feeree coz hee iz fick. Presley got tae meet hiz long lost brover Aaron. Noo that wiz pure cool, az finks theys are twins and no brovers, coz they looked the sames. Pure glakit wiff long legs and they stoopid eers!! But Arron wiz rite cool and hee haz turned oot tae bee a furrelee nice dug and wees hope he will always bee happee in hiz home. Ma mum pure cried at seenin Aaron efter all these yeers, well free yeers anyways, and still cannee get over the fact that the rescoo place found a home fur him and shee agreed tae give him up. That wiz a rite bad mistake. See fing iz, Aaron is treeted like a dug and wees are treated like a King and Queen. No...ah meen, am the Queen no Presley!.
Then a foo days ago ma Mum wiz cryin again, coz wee fot old Wizzee Wong wiznae goin tae make it tae the noo yeers. Poor old Wizzee Wong took reel ill and wees had tae call in the vet fur him. The Vet took oot a rite big neeedell and ma Mum fot it wiz with end fur Wizzee. But then Wizzee pure tried tae bite the vet and telt the vet tae get hiz neeedell tae ......!!!! Well best no say where hee telt the vet tae stick hiz neeedell. Mee and Presley pure laffed fur ages at the look on the vets face. So old wizzee wong haz lived an udder day, tae sleep fur an udder day, and weee hope that hee will bee around fur a long time and tell uz more storees about hiz time in the wars.
Mee and Presley had a rite nice Kissma ass time, and wee both got noo collars. Presleys collar is Royal Blue, coz hee iz like a King, and az got a silver wan wiff love harts, coz az am the Queen.
Mee and Presley have had wur ups and wur downs, but eenuff aboot Presley playin leep frog wiff mee. Wee fink wiff Roobee no bin well and Wizzee Wong no bean well its no bin a very good yeer fur uz. But ma Mum iz bookin Presley in tae see a Sikyatrist, tae see if they can dae anyfin aboot hiz moufin. Ah stopped dane that when ah wiz a puppeee, but Presley still does it and its pure sore if hee acksidentally bites ewe.
Old Zorro iz still goin strong, but wees fot wees wid leeve hiz boddee tae the vet dockurs fur scientific reserch and baffell them forever.
Presley iz in the cooler fur well....jist bean Presley......thats so funnee!! So hee couldnae come and rite tae ewes all.
But wees hope that ewes will have a rite good noo yeer and Presley will bee back next yeers if hee can be a good boy fur once. Happee noo yeers tae ewe all and az hope ewes have a better times than uz, coz wees will bee in wur beds by then.
Lots and lots of love tae all ma subjects, love Queeen Mollee and Elvis Presley the King xxxxx

Deer Santa Paws

2008-12-24T23:00:00.000-08:00

Deer Santa Paws
Hullo, its mee hear big Presley, an az am wantin tae tell ewe wit ah wid like fur ma Kissmass. Az have fot aboot this fur ages and ah wid like all the fings on ma list, but if ewe can only manage wan, ah guess ah will have tae sack ewe.
Numbur. Wan.
Can ewe pleese ask Mollee tae stop killin wur Mr Jingles and try and catch wan that wees can keep fur a pet. She haz pure kilt aboot 956,003 mice....oops no make that 956,004 - thats an udder won kilt.
Numbur. Too.
Can ewe arrange fur mee tae marree Rag (but dont tell Mollee) That wid be rite bigamee an cool, fur tae have too babe wifes.
Turd Fing.
Can ewe arrange fur mee tae work wiff the Poliss az ah Poliss Dug. Noo see fing iz, mee and Mollee wiz watchin the tellys the udder nite and ah pure seen a Poliss dug in ackshon. Wit happined wiz thiz. A man wiz pure runnin away frum the Poliss and the Poliss Man let the Poliss Dug aff the leed tae chase the man. Noo ah fot that wiz rite cool, but then efter aboot 2 hoors the Poliss Dug like pure cot the man hee wiz chasin and then hee played tug of war wiff his jacket. Mollee fot the Poliss Dug wiz rite cool dane that and ah fink shee pure fanceed him. Noo ah fink ah wid bee reelee good at this and make a rite cool Poliss Dug. Coz ah can run rite fast, and ah loves playin tug of wars. Mind ewe, ah prefers playin tug of war wiff the skin on hoomans hands and arms rather than wiff the jackets theys iz wearin. The reeson fur thiz iz that, the hoomans makes rite funnee faces when ah plays thiz game and ma Mollee pure laffs at the faces the hoomans make. Sumtines the hoomans even adds in sound effects if az plays tug of wars wiff udder parts of there bodees, an thats reel cool. So ah wid like it fur ewe tae arrange fur mee tae bee a Poliss Dug and then ah will be able tae get oot of ma prizon cell fur the day and go and play Poliss games all days.
Can ewes picktoor mee as a reel Frank Drebbin fae naked gun? How cool wid that bee. Ah fink az wid even get awards fur ma work and that beets bean a seecoority dug here at the open prizon.
Numbur Fore
Ah dont have a numbur fore
Numbur five
Can ewe pleese gee mee a noo collar. Ah wid like a Gold wan or a Silver wan, but no wan wiff flour's on it.
Rite thats it, fank ewe very mutch.
Love fae Big Presley the next Poliss Dug! xxxx

Postee Postee, dont be slow bee like Elvis go man go

2008-12-20T08:51:00.000-08:00

Hullo its mee, az hopes ewes are all az pure egg sited az me, coz Santa Paws will bee hear soon.
Noo az have an udder troo storee fur ewes and ewes will no beeleeve mee when ah tells ewe, but mee and Mollee have bin pure laffin all days aboot thiz.
See, wit happined wiz thiz, aboot a yeer ago wur old postee retired coz ah fink hee wiz aboot 129 yeers old or sumfin. Noo ever since hee went tae sit at hame all days watchin the tellys, wees have hud every postee in the hole of the world deliverin wur male. Sum days wees wid get wur male and udder days wee widnae. Sum days it wid be delivered at 11am's and udder days it wiznae hear until 3pm's. Wees have bin gettin all wur nayburs males and theys have bin gettin all hours. Then credit card bills wid go missin and ma Mum wiz like pure charged fur no payin the bill.
Ma Mum did fone the postee place and telt thems the problem, but they wiznae bovered. Eventuallees ma Mum pure foned the heed of the royal male, noo am no sure who that iz, but az finks the heed of the royal male must be the queen, coz hur face iz on the stamps. Noo they did pure take ma Mums complaint rite seereus and they said they wid dae sumfin aboot it.
Well thiz mornins wur male arrived at 10 am's and ma Mum wiz rite egg sited.
Then wees looked tae make soor it wiz all hour male and thiz wiz the funnee bit. Wees had letturs addressed tae Mr & Mrs Preslee, Lanark Open Prison and In-Mates, King Presley and Miss Mollee Mouse Hunter, The Murville Famelee, King Presley the Fillosifer, King Presley the Babe Magnet and King Presley the Pedigree Lurcher. Well az pure laffed fur ages, az fot that wiz so funnee. Noo can ewes imagine wit wur postee finks reedin aboot who all stays in thiz hoose.
The postee must have fot to himsell, wit iz that wummin on, pure complainin aboot hur male when there must bee aboot 12 fousand peepells includin a King living in that hoose.
Mee and Mollee pure laffed fur ages, wees reelee liked that.
So az jizt wantid tae say a big fank ewe tae everybuddees that sent uz males fur wur Kissmass and ah wid like tae make a speshall menshon tae ma Feeonsee, Rag ma Crufts Beauty Queen who sent mee the most lovelee est picktoor ah haz ever seen. Az have pit it on ma cell wall next tae ma bed and az will dreem of hur every nites. But pleese dont tell ma Mollee udder wise ah will get an udder tankin.
Love and Peese tae all frum Presley the King xxxx

Ma Mum loves Number twos!

2008-12-18T09:24:00.000-08:00

Hullo, az wiz goin tae rite ma blog earlee er but mee and Mollee couldnae stop laffin. Noo ewe all kens mee and ewe kens as am a rite compasshonate dug, but see fing iz, az have a fing aboot laffin when udders are no laffin. Ah cannee help masell and ma mollee cannee help hursell.
Noo thiz iz a troo storee and az swears tae masell thiz iz the troof. Wit happined wiz thiz. See ma Mum, shee pure loves numbur twos. Noo befour ewes go off on wan, wate until ah tells ewes why. Noo remebur ma Dad pure took wur car fur sum off road drivin, then ma Mum felt left oot, so shee let a man pure slam intae hur frum behind. Well that wiz acksident number two! Well ewes will no beleevee wit happined todays. Ma Mum haz had toofake fur like free weeks noo and wees wur all fed up listenin tae hur greetin. So too weeks ago she got her appointment wiff the Vet Dentist and hee pure poked hur aboot and said hee wid need tae doo a bit of gardening in her moof. Noo when az says gardening, wit ah meens iz that hee wiz goin tae work on the roots.
So hee pure gave ma Mum two rite big injections. (See there is the numbur too again!). Ma Mum pure suffered fur a hole week, until shee couldnae take anymores, and ended up getting the Vet doctur tae give hur rite strong pain killers that made hur even mare dizzy than she normally iz!! The next times shee seen the Vet Dentist he geed hur an udder too injections and pure finished working on the root. Fankfoolee that wiz it over. But wate it wiznae! Ma Mum pure woke up thiz mornin, well we fink shee woke up, coz shee looked like she wiz deed. Shee wiz greetin again. Next fing the Vet Dentist foned and telt ma Mum tae go back tae them rite away. Noo thiz iz the funnee bit....ewes will no beeleeve it.....the Vet Dentist discovered that he pure fixed the rong root. It wiz the toof next tae the wan he fixed that wiz broken. So ma Mum iz pure havin tae get an udder session wiff the Vet Dentist tae fix the rite toof. But hee geed hur an udder too big injections. This time he pure paralised hur hole half face and shee came home lookin like shee had dun too rounds wiff Mike Dyson!! Well, mee and Mollee pure laffed so much, az finks Mollee wet hursell, and ah swears too ewe that iz the troof. Noo everybuddee iz pure sayin tae ma Mum 'so ewe reelee wur in pane fur all these weaks'.
So az ewe can sea ma Mum pure loves numbur twos, ah meen who else dae ewe ken that diz everyfin in toos, sept old Wizzy Wonga ??
Well ah must go noo, coz ma belly iz sore wiff laffin. Hope ewes have a nice day TWOday!!! LOL
Big Presley the King Docktur xxxx

Bloo Seep

2008-12-16T00:02:00.001-08:00

Hullo everyboddees, az am up reelee earlee today coz its gettin neer Kissmass time an mee and Mollees iz pure excited. Well ma Roobee iz mutch better todays, az didnae ken wit wiz wrang wiff hur, shee wiz actin like ma Dad diz efter hee's haz had a foo drinks - like pure confoosed.
Noo wees iz confoosed coz wees didnae ken wit wiz up wiff hur.
Noo az promised ewes ah wid tells ewes a funnee storee and az swears tae masell this iz the troof. Sum readers may find the content of this storree pure shockin.
See wit happined wiz this. Mee and Mollee wur oot in the car wiff ma Mum a foo weeks ago and wees wur drivin doon the road past all the seeps in the fields. Mee and Mollee pure shout aboose at the seeps by tellin them that a woolf iz behind thems, its reelee funnee and Mollee giggells all the times. Anyways, next fing az saw and a swear tae masell thiz iz the troof, az pure seen a seep wearing loads of leather straps on his body! He looked like hee wiz makin wan of they pure rood movies. Az fot it wiz called a Bandage Movie, but am no sure if its called that, coz ah had a bandage once and it wiznae made of leather. Well, this wan seep wiff the leather geer on, wiz playin leep frog wiff all the udder seeps in the feeld. He wiz havin a pure ball. But thiz iz the rood bit, coz ewe widnae beelevee wit he did behind the seeps backs when hee played leep frog. Hee wiz pure sprayin them wiff bloo paint. Az said oh no sh... a brick, wits hee dane that fur, an az wiz shoutin at the seeps tryin tae tell them, but theys fot az wiz cryin woolf again and theys all ignored mee. A foo days later wees past this feeld again and ewe will no beelevee wit az seen. Every last wan of the seeps in the feeld had bloo paint on thems, honest they did. So that seep in the leather geer, had pure played leep frog wiff every last wan of thems. Noo wit az want tae know iz how diz hee tell all hiz babes apart, coz they all looks the sames tae mee. Az finks hee should have painted them different colors tae tell thems apart.
Wee Mollee jist pure giggled all the times when shee seen all the bloo seep. So if ewes sees any bloo seep or udders wiff paint on them, ewes will ken theys have bin playin leep frog wiff the seep in the Bandage geer. Rite, am off tae find a tin of bloo paint. Molleee, oh Molleee, where are ewe. Love and peese from King Presley xxxx

Am in the dug hoose

2008-12-14T01:25:00.000-08:00

Hullo all ewes, az hopes ewes are dane better than mee, coz az am in the dug hoose.....eye again!!
See fing iz, thiz wit happined tae mee. Ma Mum and Dad pure decided tae splash oot and bye a rite expensive kissmass tree. It wiz gold. But see fing iz, ah fot that coz it wiz gold that it must bee wan of they On-sweet fings fur a King like me. So az waited until it wiz all reddy fur mee and ah used it. Next fing az heers iz ma Mum pure screemin - noo, its no eesy tae stop mid flow, but ah did ma best. Ma Mum says am no aloud tae use ma noo on-sweet in the livings room. Noo az swears tae masell that is pure the troof. Wits the point in havin an indoor lavee and ewer no aloud tae use it. It must bee there to like pure impress udder dogs that wees haz a gold toilet in wur hoose. But see fing iz, its diznae work, coz ma Mum says Presley that is pure oot of order! Maybees theys iz waitin fur a plumber tae plum it in or sumfin. So if ewes are comin tae visit mee, rememburs ewes cannee use wur noo on-sweet yet.
Am away off tae rite ma kissmass list tae Santa Paws and tae look efter ma big sistur Roobee who isnae very well todays. Shee iz so pure a babe, and az gets upsets when shee isnae well.
Az will let ewes ken how shee iz tomorrows.
Love fae Presley the King xxx

Kismass Song

2008-12-12T07:24:00.000-08:00

Hullo, yes az am back and am mutch better noo that az am over my dug floo!! Fank ewes fur all ma get betters cards, but next times am no well, can ewes jist send mee the monee instead. Fanks.
Noo az didnae spend all ma ill days jist bean ill, az wiz listening tae the box wiff no wires. Its called a wireless fur any uneducated peepells. Noo there wiz an old codger that kept singging a song, hiz name wizz sumfin tae dae wiff a rock - day ewe kens who az am meenin? Eye, it wiz Cliff. Thats a cool name. Az liked hiz singging very mutch, but he didnae sing all the wurds rite, so az made up sum of ma ane. The song iz aboot the cold weather and it wiz called Missin Toes and Wine. Noo wit az wid like ewes all tae day is tae sing along wiff mee and ma version goes like this.

The dug is a King, the udders they swing
The old yeer is passed, Bazil haz sum gass,
Dreems of Santa, dreems of ssnow
Wur paws are numb, wur bums are aglow

Korus
Kissmass time missin toes and wine
Wees are fartin all the time
Wur logs are on fire
Wees iz peein on the trees

Wiff food in wur bellys, Wizzy legs are like jelly
A time fur eating, everfin wees sees
A time fur living, a time fur getting
A time fur thursting, A time fur lusting
Kissmass time is love Kissmass is a feest
When ah gets ma paws on Mollee
I'll show hur am a beest

Korus
Kissmas time missin toes and wine
Wees are fartin all the time
Wur logs are on fire
Wees iz peein on the trees

Noo when ewes all heer old Rock face singging thiz song ewes can fink of mee, but rememburs dont bee turds change the wurds!
Rite az will need tae go noo, but if ewes like ma song, az will let ewes heer ma vershun of Hart of Gass. Bye for noo, big Presley the songriter, fillosifur, orfur, poet and lover of all the beetches. xxx

Dug Floo

2008-12-05T02:33:00.000-08:00

Hullo all ewes oot there, az cannee rite mutch todays coz az am no well and az finks az will need tae see a Docktur. Az haz Dug Floo. Noo Dug Floo iz like man floo, an az am no feelin masell.
Az had lots tae tell ewes, coz wee got wur noo car the udder dae, and ewes will no beeleeve it, but it pure looks like a herse. Az swears tae masell it does.
Az will have tae go back tae ma sick bed coz az didnae ken wits up wiff mee. Maybees az have bin poisuned eatin ma Mums mince or somfin, but Mollees iz pure fine.
Az spent sum time wiff the pussy cats that lives hear and maybees Charlee haz pit a Dug Floo spell on mee or sumfin. Mollee isnae aloud tae spend times wiff wur cats, coz shee like pure dribbles when shee sees cats and thats no nice.
Az am going tae fill ma hot water bottle and goes back tae ma bed and feel rite sorree fur masell.
Az will speeks tae ewes all tomorrows if az am feelin better.
Love tae ewes all, fae Big Presley the King xxx

Ssssnow way man

2008-12-03T02:22:00.000-08:00

Hullo all ewes ma fans out there. Noo ma englilish isnae very good, so maybees az should have rit, hullo all ewes ma fannees out there. Az will check ma grammur later so az didnae offend anyones. Well see fing iz, mee and Mollee have bin playin in the exercise yard here at Lan Ark, coz its pure covered in snow. Wees pure loves the ssnow, well no the yellow ssnow and wees reelee hates the brown ssnow. Wizzy always seems tae bee neer brown ssnow, so az finks he likes it! So az wiz talkin tae ma Mum and she said shee wid build mee and Mollee a ssnow man, but az didnae want a ssnow man, so az asked her if she wid help mee and Mollee build a ssnow dug. She said she wid, but she pure hasnae, coz she haz bin pure running all over the country wiff hur work. Shee is like oot at work fur like aboot 30 hours in wan day, to helps udder peepells who are pure sad.
So fing iz shee iz gettin wur udder noo car todays, coz the windaes have bin pure blacked oot in it noo, so shee can use it fur hur work. Shee bott the car in Engerland, where shee goes tae work. Az finks she wid have bin better bying a ssnow mowbeel tae drive up and down to Engerland in, but no, shee fott shee pure kent better and bott a car. Wit a tube!!
Shee said shee wid build wur ssnow dug twomorrows if shee isnae two bizee, but az finks az will ask my sycho Dad tae build mee wan, coz hee jist pure sits aboot all day and stares at hiz compootur.
Az will tell ewes all wit wur noo car iz like when ma Mum gets homes frum Engerland tonites.
Have a nice days and az will speek tae ewes all later, coz az have a rite funee storee tae tell ewes.
Love fae Big Presley the King xxx

Ma Mums bin cheetin on us

2008-12-01T12:01:00.000-08:00

Well ewes will no beeleeve wits happined tae mee and ma Mollee, wees are frum a brokin home. Ma Mum haz pure bin cheetin on us. Az swears tae masell she haz.
Noo let mee tell ewes aboot it. See ma Dad wiz pure asked tae bee a judge and az finks ma Mum must have bin the jewree. Anyways, off theys goes yisterdae and theys left mee and Mollee and all the udder inmates in wur cells and wees sat and waited fur wur antee ehleen tae come and let uz oot. Noo wur antee ehleen iz pretty cool, coz shee gives us loads of liver treats and wees play wiff hur.
Eventuallee ma Mum and Dad came home and az pure smelt theys had bin cheetin on mee wiff udder dogs. Theys canny lye tae mee, coz am no stoopid. And az seen hairs on ma Mums troosers, so thats how ah kent. Then az herd them sayin somfin aboot Kissmass Time and how wees wid bee rite pleesed wiff what Santa Paws had bott uz fur wur Kissmass. Ah fot tae masell, oh no wae man, theys have only gone an pure got dug numbur ate!!
So az had tae turn dicktective and find oot wit wiz gone on. Az waited until ma dinner times, and then az pure looked aboot everywhere fur cloos. Then az pure seen it!!! A bag, and ewes will no beeleeve wit wiz in it. There wiz like sevin noo dug collars! Honestlee, that iz pure the troof. So az finks Santa Paws iz bringing uz no wan, but sevin dugs tae live wiff uz!!
Az have bin finkin aboot noo names fur the noo dugs and az finks az will call them effter Santa Paws raindears, coz that wid bee rite cool.
Az will let ewes ken wit az have decided tae call ma noo brovers and sisters, but in the meentimes, az am no going tae let on az kens the troof and az will make ma Mum and Dads life a pure misery fur cheetin on mees wiff udder dogs.
Lots of love, fae Big Presley the King xxx

2 out of Free anit bad.

2008-11-29T03:33:00.000-08:00

Hullo ewes, noo az am goin tae tell ewes a pure rite funnee storee and az swears tae masell it is the troof. See wit happined wiz thiz. Rememburs az telt ewes that ma Dad pure took his car fur a bit of off road drivin a foo weeks ago only trubble wiz that wees didnae have an off road car.
Anyways, ma Mum bott a noo car the udder day. Its wan of they rite fancee cars call a turbos and it can go frum 0-6 mph, if ewe gee it a good poosh and it can day 0-60 mph frew the feelds wae ma Dad at the wheel playin rolly polly wiff it. Noo ewes will all ken that bad lucks always cums in free's, and last nite it wiz akcident numbur two. Wit happined wiz thiz. Ma Mum wiz goin tae collect ma hooman neese and neffewe, and fankfoolee she didnae have any deed pets in hur car. So shee wiz sittin in the car at the traffick lites, when she looks in hur rear view mirror and seen a bum. Noo thiz bum wiz like drivin too fast and hee pure couldnae stop in times, so hee used ma Mums car az a batterin ram fur tae stop.
Ma Mums heed wiz pure flung rite hard against the heed fing and she said it pure hurted. Next fing ma Mum herd syreens and ewes will no beeleeve wit happined next. Free polis cars, two amboolances and a docktur on a motorbike turned up. Theys took ma Mum into the amboolance and pure felt hur all over hur heed. Az finks shee liked that coz the paramedic man wiz rite handsum. So wiff that in mind, ma Mum pure pooshed hur luck and telt him that shee wiz hurtin in udder rude places so that hee wid sees to them bits two. But dont tell ma Dad that bit.
Anyways, then the poliss man says tae ma Mum have ewe bin drinkin, and ma Mum says eye az haz!!! Shee says, az had a cup of coffeee befour az left the hoose. The poliss man then says blow intae thiz fing. Az swears tae masell hee pure did. But its not wit ewes are finking. It wiz a breffaliser. Ma Mum says az haz pure seen thiz on the tellys so az ken wit az haz tae do. Ewe will no guess wit happined next. The fing wiznae working! S..... a brick!! Ma Mum wiz pure rite dizzapointed she wiznae aloud tae blow intae the mans fing.
Noo fing iz, peepells had pure laffed at ma Mum fur bye in Skodas, but it pure saved ma Dads lifes and this time the udder car pure saved ma Mums lifes. The Polliss man couldnt believe how little damage wiz done tae ma Mums car considerins how fast the man in the udder car hit hur, so noo all the Polliss are going tae bye Skodas. Noo fur anybuddee that haz pure laffed at ma Mum and called hur crazee, jist rememburs the Skoda storee......, shee is no az daft as shee wid like ewes tae fink shee iz!
Hur heed wiznae hurted coz ewe canny hurt wood, but wee's will need tae get wur car tae the garage tae bee fixed, coz that wiznae made of wood.
That iz ma pure troo storee fur todays. So have a nice days an az will have a nice day two.
Love fae Presley the King.

Sidnae Deevine

2008-11-23T00:54:00.000-08:00

Hullo, mee hear, az haz hud pure hunners of hits on ma blog an ah fot az wid tell ewes a pure rite funnee troo storee. Noo az swears tae masell this reelee happined tae mee and Mollee.
Wit happined wiz thiz. A foo nites ago ma Mum got oot sum old videeos tae play on the gramafone. Theys wur videeos of hur when shee wiz jist a puppee, filmed aboot 80 yeers ago. Mee and Mollee pure like seeing the videeos of all ma Mums udder dogs who are noo at Rainbow Bridge. There wiz sum videeos of Kim hur first dug, an Zara an Lucky udder dogs shee had - wees even seen Lucky pure sittin at the table on xmas days an ma Mum pure telt uz that wees are no aloud tae sit at the tables wiff wur bibs on an thats no fare. Then ma Mum wanted tae watch an udder old videeo of hur hooman grand mother. Wees will call hur Wee Gran fur short, coz she wiz smaller than Mollee, ah swears tae masell she wiz. Noo Wee Gran wiz blind all hur life, jist like ma brover Wizzee, but shee had a white stick. Ah finks that wiz tae hit folk over the heed wiff if they got in the way, so am goin tae buy Wizzee a white stick fur hiz xmas. The videeo wiz aboot a time when Wee Gran wiz invited tae a This is Ewer Life fing fur an old wummin called Maggee who wiz aboot 200 yeers old. It wiz pure torture watchin this videeo, then Wee Gran came on near the end an pure sung a song called Ah Swallowed a Peanut. Everybuddee at the 'This is Your Life' pure loved this song and mee and Mollee wiz pure laffin. Am no sure if ma Mum liked it, coz shee wiz pure greetin!
But when Wee Gran had finished singing, wee heard an udder persun singing a song, it wiz called 'Maggee'. Noo am no as good a singur az Basil Brush, but it starts 'I pure wandured tae the hills today...... ' La la la, They say ewe are aged and grey Magee... la la la'
Do ewes ken it??
Well, ma Mum an Dad fot they kent thiz man who wiz singing!! Ah fots wit a pare of plonkers, coz mee an Mollee pure kent rite away who it wiz, coz he also sings Tiny Bubbells.
Noo Wee Gran wiz blind and she kent rite away who it wiz and fankfoolee she says oh how nice, thats Sidnee Deevine!! An az swears tae masell thats pure who it wiz. The look on ma Mum and Dads face wiz a pure picktoor. Its no everydae ewe watch sum old familee videeo and pure sees sumwun as famoss az Wee Gran.!!!
Noo az wid lets ewes all see thiz videeo, but az am goin tae save ewes frum heering Sidnee Deevine!! LOL Bee Happee.
Love fae Big Presley xx

Ma Psyco Dad!

2008-11-15T00:30:00.000-08:00

Well hullo all ewes, its mee!
Noo ewes will all ken that az am rite cliver, thats coz am a dug and sum of ewes is only hoomans, but az am goin tae tell ewe a rite spookee storee and az swears tae masell its the troof.
See wit happined wiz thiz. Last weekend, az finks that wiz aboot free weeks ago, ma Mum and Dad says theys were away tae a workshop fur tae lern how tae talk tae the anneemals - az fots tae masell eye rite very good!! Wit diz they fink theys are Docktur Doooolittles, its mare like Docktur Doooooflaminnuffin. Anyways, off theys go's tae see ma antee JoeAnne Hull the anneemal comoonicatur tae lerns how tae dae thiz. Noo there wur like sum reel psycho meediums there, and ewe wid fink they wid bee reelee good at it. Noo ma Mum only likes tae talk tae mee and ma Mollee and sumtimes Roobee, so shee pure only got a foo fings that wur so spot on aboot the dug or cat shee wiz talkin tae. But wate fur thiz, the star of the day wiznae a reel psycho meedium, but ma very own psycho Dad. As swears tae masell its so pure troo. His reedins were so flamin accurate that even ma antee JoeAnne wiz pure flabbergasted. Noo, see fing iz, ah kens that a lot of peepells diznae beeleeve in all this and pure finks its nonsense, but see az diznae care, coz ah finks a lott of peepells oot there are off their flamin nuts, theys jizt diznae reelize it. Ma Dad iz getting picktoors sent tae him by peepells from the workshop of dugs that ma Dad diznae ken and he iz pure dane a reedin. Noo sum anneemal coomoonicaturs charges up tae £120 fur tae do thiz and ma Dad iz pure dane it in hiz sleep - jist like he diz all fings espeshally drivin. Anyways az finks thats cool, jist like hiz noo hair cut a numbur too all over!! Ah kens the times Ivor got a number two all over hiz noze but thats an udder storee.
Az wid also like tae say a rite big fank ewe tae a ladee who pure used ma Mum services reecentlee and gave a masseeve donation tae the Dugs who are no as well off az mee and mollee. ma Mum haz pure split the donation between hur favorit charitees and theys wur reel pleesed. With the credit crunchee goin on at the moment, it wiz pure rite geneross of the wumin and ma Mum wiz neerlee greetin when the wumin telt ma Mum wit shee wiz wantin tae gee them.
Anyways, az am away tae talk tae Docktur Doooooflaminnuffin.
Love fae big Presley xxx

Wit a smashin weak wiff Bobbit

2008-10-11T09:06:00.001-07:00

Well hullo all ewes oot there and fanks fur the nice eemales ewe send mees, az am rite glad ewes like ma blog.
Noo fing iz thiz wees haz had a smashin weak and so haz ma Dad. Noo ewe kens mee and am no wan tae laff at udder peepells missfortunes, but see sumtimes az canny help masell. On Mondays mornings my Dad went away tae hiz work. He always goes pure dead earlee in the mornings, when everybuddees iz still sleepin. He wiz neerly at Edinburger when hee decided he wid see jist how well built hiz Skoda wiz and hee fot the best wae tae find thiz oot wid bee tae like play rollee pollee across a feeld in it. So off he goes wiff the greatest off ease, flyin frew the air like he wiz on a trapeese. Hee pure rolled the car fur hunners of miles intae the forrest, geein all the aneemals that lives there a rite frite. Az swears tae masell that iz the troof. How cool wiz that? Noo he pure found out that the Skoda iz built like an army tank and apart fae the fact it wiz lyin on its side, ewes widnae ken it had jist been rolled fur hunners of miles.
So wees iz noo gettin a noo car, thats cool!
Noo if all that wiznae enuff fur wan weak, hee pure went and done the unfinkabill. Noo diz any of ewes ken wit hee did? Az will gee ewe a hint. Hee got sumfin cut off. It wiz a foo inches long and pure hung fae hiz bodee and hee haz had it all his life. Noo wate wan minnut. Ewes are no finkin rite! Wit hee did wiz get hiz poneetale cut off, az swears tae masell he pure did. Noo wit wiz all that aboot, coz noo az have noffin tae swing frum when hees iz tryin tae sit an watch telleys in piece. Az wiz rite sad tae see hee didnae have it anymores, but ma Mum pure finks hee looks rite cool wiffoot it.
Noo fur the best fing that haz ever happined tae mee in ma hole life. Az am so happee az iz neerlee cryin like ma Mollee. Az am pure goin tae meet up wiff ma bruver Aaron after all these yeers. Sum of ewes will ken that mee and Aaron were pure sepurated when wees wur puppees an az diznae ken wit became of ma bruver and ma best pal, but noo az am tae meet him again. Mee and Mollee are like pure finkin of a plan tae pure kidnapp Aaron and bring him tae live here wiff us in wur prizon cell. Az pure loves ma bruver and az will dae anyfin tae have him hear wiff me and the Mollee.
Noo for sum reelee sad noos. Ewes will all ken that az had an old pal called Mr Toby McKay, well az am sorree tae say that ma best pal died on Friday. He wiz a pure brilliant dug, loved by everyone and a reel gentleman and az will miss him very much.
Tae ma big pal Toby McKay, ewe wur one in a million, az will miss ewe always.
Sleep tight big fella.
Love fae Presley the King and Mollee Wallee. xxxx

Cold Case

2008-10-07T09:12:00.000-07:00

Hullo, az iz reelee sorree az haz no bean on here, but see fing iz az haz bin watchin two much telleys. Az haz a noo best programme that makes me and Mollee pure laff wur heeds aff. Its a murrdur programme, well its aboot unsolved murrdurs and theys call in a wumin called Dayle Hymen or sumfin. Ewes can see it on the Discovery channel.

Noo thiz wumin iz like a Cracker, a rite flamin cracker if ewes ask mee. See fing iz, if the poliss cannee solve a crime coz theys are fick, they calls in thiz wumin tae do like a profile of the killer. Noo, fing iz mee and mollee fot it wiz an Art programme when wees herd shee wiz dane profiles, but its no like that. She pure arrives at a murrdur sceene and tells the poliss who theys are lookin fur. Cool eh? Well thats the pure funnee bit and az swears tae masell, thiz iz how shee pure profiles a killur.

Rite wit happins is thiz. The poliss finds bones oot in a forest. Well its usually a dug that finds the bones, but the poliss seems tae forget that bit. Az kens it wiz a dug that found the bones, coz the poliss say theys are lookin fur a lead. Theys canny find the lead so theys call in Dayle Hymen. Az finks theys would have bin better callin in the dog wissperur fur tae find a lead.

Rite so thiz iz wit the Poliss diz ken. Its a body of a wumin, found in the woods, and the wumin iznae wearin clothes. The poliss haz also found nasty DNA stuff on the wumins body, coz the killur haz played leep frog wiff hur befour he kilt hur. And fing iz, the wumin had no heed!
Dayle Hymen then pure looks around the woods and then shee says, the killur disnae want ewes tae ken who they iz, but az finks its definately a man. Shee also says that she finks the wumin died from a severe blow tae the heed!! Man how cool iz thiz wumins observation skills??
Mee and Mollee are pure rite laffin by noo. Wees is no laffin at the deed wumin, wees iz laffin at the Dayle wumin. How fick must american poliss bee if they canny work all that oot fur themselves. Noo fing iz the Poliss still canny find the killer, but then the killurs next intended victum managees to pure escape and she tells the poliss where tae find the killer. Murrdur solved. Cool eh? Then the Dayle wumin says there we are, like a said a man who didnae want tae be cot, and there wees are, az have solved an udder crime.
Noo shee didnae solve the murdurrm, even me and Mollees pure worked that wan oot fur wursells and wees could have telt the poliss the same fings. This tellys programme iz so pure a hoot. Mee and Mollee pure laffs all the way frew it. Check it oot next times ewes is on the discovery channel. It should be called the discover nuffin noo programme.
Enjoy, bee happee and az loves ewe all.
Love fae big Presley the Lurcher. xx

Look Lefft

2008-09-27T00:12:00.000-07:00

Hullo its mee again, have ewes bin missin mee? Well see fing iz thiz az iz no bin well, which meens az haz bin sick. Noo az diznae ken why, ah meen its no like ma Mum cooked mee mare mince or anyfin like that. So az finks ah cot wan of they invizibill bug fings. Az will no go intae two many deetales aboot ma sick, but wit happined wiz thiz. Wan day az wiz no feelin well and az wiz sick on ma Mums noo floorin. How cool wiz that? Noo az looked rite sad and widnae play wiff ma Mollee. Az wiz only sad coz when az wiz sick it wiz ma choo that came up! So ma Dad pure took mee tae the Docktor. They Docktors arenae rite in the heed. Hee iz always tryin tae stick fings in ma back bottom, az swears, that is the troof. Hee said it wiz tae take ma tempratoor, Aye Rite!!Butt see az have herd aboot folk like him, so az widnae let him day that tae mee. Anyways, hee pure geed mee sum medisin tae pit in ma dinner and az wiz well again in no times.

Noo az haz an udder troo storee tae tell ewes and az swears tae ma sell thiz iz the troof and az will try and no pit in any cheep jokes!!. Ma Mum wiz drivin tae the Vets tae get tablets fur worms, noo az didnae ken she had worms. Anyways az Roda in hur Skoda wiz dane hur usual speed like she wiz in a Grand Prick race, she pure seen somfin running across the road in front of hur. Wiz it a moose? wiz it a rabbitt? wiz it an airoplane? - No, noo ewes are bean dafft, it wiznae a airoplane, it wiz a burd!! Well thiz wee burd wiz pure runnin like the clappers! But fing iz hee pure forgot tae look lefft. Coz fing iz, cumin towards ma Mum wiz free cars!! And ewes ken wit happined next!! SPLAT! Well no quite. The burd went rite under neef the car missin the wheels.
Hee pure looked like he wiz in a tumbler dryer, gettin flung aboot. But...fankfoolee, hee pure bounced oot the udder end, and he wiz still alive, az swear hee wiz! Well he wiz still alive until the second and furd car hit him!! Buy noo, ma Mum iz neerlee pure greetin, coz wan fing ma Mum reelee hates tae see iz deed aneemals. So shee pure screetches tae a halt and pure diz hur Lindfurd Christie impersunatshon. Well wit ah meen by that, iz ewe ken how when marafon runners pure starts a race they kinda gets doon on wan knee, well that iz wit ah means buy sayin ma Mum wiz like Lindfurd Christie - coz shee canny run and by the time shee got back tae where the burd wiz, shee wiz on hur knees. Noo the wee burd, az will call him RR fur short, that stands fur Road Runner - and standin wiz mare than the burd wiz dane!. Hee wiz pure lying on the road lookin like hee had bin hit by aboot free cars or sumfin. So ma Mum picks him up and pure carried him tae hur car. Hee wiznae happee aboot thiz, az finks hee had herd aboot ma Mums drivin, and hee pure tried tae bite hur. Cool eh? Ma Mum had pure hunners of blood on hur hands frum the wee burd.
When shee got tae the vets, shee pure asked the vet (The Vet is called Donald, but befour ewes ask, hees no a Duck), if the burd could bee saved, and if it couldnae cood hee pure day the rite fing by the burd and pit it tae sleep. Noo the vets nurse pure said check oot the nick of him, but turns oot shee wiz talkin aboot RR an no Donald the Vet. Donald said tae ma Mum usually if a burd iz like pure runnin, there is sumfin rong wiff it and it turned oot that the RR had bin runnin on hiz knees - how cool iz that, az will get Mollee tae try that later. Anyways, Donald reckoned that RR could bee saved and ma Mum wiz rite happee. So hee wiz givin sum medisin by the Vet and pit in a box fur tae get better. Cool eh? Noo az hopes that RR haz pure learned hiz lesson that ewes should always look lefft befour going like the clappers across the road. So next times ewes sees a burd in ewer gerdin, check oot its knees and see if hees haz any sss..cars, coz it may just bee Road Runner.
take care, az will be back soon, love fae big Presley the King xxxx

Heed bangurs

2008-09-05T00:07:00.000-07:00

Noo ewes all ken mee, az iz a lover an no a fighter. Az am a fillosifer an a finker. Az always tries tae avoid bean pollitikal, but sumtimes az gets pure angree wiff peepells, and over the past foo munffs az have bin rite cheesed off buy hoomans beehavewer.
See noo fing iz, sum hoomans finks az am daft, but that iz jizt no the case, az am rite cliver.
Noo ewes all ken aboot the aboose sum aneemals suffer at the hands of hoomans an that iz so rang. Az finks they do thiz coz a lot of hoomans brains are located in there bums. See frum ma point of view, ma view iz usually of hoomans bums, coz az am tall, so az haz a rite good advantage an az pure sees and heers wits goin on.
Let mee explains wit az meens. Over the past foo munffs az have seen hoomans make out theys are pure good pals wiff udder hoomans. But the troof iz that sum of they hoomans are pure bean rite nastee aboot there pals tae udder pals, jist tae coz trubble. Then ewes gets hoomans who are no nastee and udder hoomans see thiz az a weekness and pure make them oot tae bee bad peepells. Ewes do peepells a good turn but ewe dont expeckt tae bee given monee in return. Thats jizt no rite. Ewes all ken the sayin that the more ewes do fur peepells the less ewes iz appreesheeated. Well, az kens that the more sum peepells coz trubbles, the more udder peepells finks theys are grate!! Hoomans only listen wiff one eer, thats coz so much iz comin oot there bottoms!! Ewe heers sumwon iz doin rite well fur themselves, and good peepells finks 'thats pure dead brilliant'. But a lot of nastee peepells who see sumwon dane well fur themselves and finks 'thats no pure dead brilliant and az will pure boolee them until theys are no dane well fur themselves'. Noo wit iz all that aboot???
The hole hooman world haz gone pure nuts. A lot of ewes seems tae fink that if ewes are nastee ewes will get on in thiz world and bee rite liked. Well az have got noos fur all the nastee hoomans oot there. Ewes should sit doon wan day, maybees in a gardin or sumfin, and look around ewes and rememburs that if ewes cannae do sumwon a good turn, dont dae them a bad turn. Ewes are no oot of thiz world yet and az pure kens that wit goes around comes around. Like when ma Mollee eets a poo, az pure kens it will turn up again!!
Jizt rememburs, good peepells dont have tae do anyfin fur tae repay nastee peepells, one day bad fings will happin tae the nastee peepells. An wit chance diz sum dogs have in life if hoomans cannae even treet udder hoomans wiff respect? One day theys will pure come unstuck. Like two dugs who diznae play leep frog rite!!
See ma Mollee eets hur dinner an then shee pure comes an eets mine. Noo fing iz, az can eiver a) act like a bad hooman an growl and bite hur or b) az finks tae masell - ewe pure wire in Mollee, coz if shee eets too much dinner shee cannae run away fae mee when az plays leep frog wiff hur.
Ewes hoomans wunder whys wee dugs only have a short life in thiz mateereal world, well let mee tells ewes, the ansur iz staring ewes in the face.. start finkin like a dug and pure enjoy ever minit of ewer life and stop spendin ewer life bean nastee tae udder peepells, espeshallee the wons ewe fink of az ewer pals. Wees have a short life coz wees love everybuddee and wees dont do nastee fings tae wur pals behind there backs.
Moral of ma storee iz, sit back and take a good long look at wits ewes iz all aboot az hoomans, an maybee, jist maybees, if ewes start tae treet udder hoomans properlee, ewe jist mite get the chance tae come back intae this world next time az a Pedigree Lurcher and no a hooman.
Love fae big Presley the fillosifer and finker.
Love tae all ma babes xx

Good noos

2008-09-04T01:39:00.000-07:00

Hullo everyboddees,
Az wid jist like tae say that az have had rite good noos. See fing iz, az gets reeley upsets tae heer that ma babes or sum of ma pals are no well. But az wid like tae give a speshall menshon tae a foo of ma pals whos have no bin well and are noo well. Ma numbur wan babe Juno iz feelin much better noo, so thats cool. Juno iz ma feeonsees sistur, so wan dae Juno will bee ma sistur in paw. And an udder big cool dude iz Mason, who iz keepin reel well two. Am no sure if Mason iz a Mason, but oz az will say, iz that hee geed mee a rite funnee paw shake the last time az seen him. Noo he iz also a rite handsum dug, hee iz pure black and white, like wan of those horsesey wans ewes sees in the Cowboy and Ingin movees. Az finks theys are called Pintos or sumfin like that. Ma udder babe Missee, who pure lived wiff mee fur a munff, iz also keepin rite well. Az hopes that all ma babes and ma pals continewes tae keep well and if theys wid like tae come and stay wiff mee fur a holidee theys can.
Noo its no rainin hear, an az finks that iz a world record fur Lan Ark, a dry dae, so mee and Mollees are awae oot side tae noise up Diego and Dora the pigs fae next doors.
Speek soon, love tae all ma babes
Fae big Presley xxxx

A Sossage dug!!

2008-09-01T04:28:00.000-07:00

Noos ewe all kens wit az am like, az pure loves all udder annemals, esspesshally the babes varr eye etty. Anways, az wiz wiff ma pussee cat pals Stan and Hilda last nites in the living rooms, that wiz rite cool, coz az finks Hilda pure fancies mee. Az wiz tellin them that az wiz lookin forward tae thiz weekends coz ma Dads hooman sistur iz comin tae stay wiff uz and shee haz a dug and a cat. Theys are called Broose and Mallee or sumfin. Broose is a cat and Mallee iz a dug - a babe dug. Theys are Inglish, but az widnae hold that against thems, in fact az widnae hold anyfin against thems. LOL. LOL, fur unedducated peepells meens Lots of Love az finks. Ma Mum says it stands fur Laffin oot Loud, but am no sure aboot that. Anyways az wiz gettin masell all reddee fur Bruce and Malllees visit, az wiz cleenin oot ma bits, if ewe kens wit a meens. Like ma eers and fings. But ewes will no beeleeve it, it noo turns oot that Bruce and Malleee iz no comin tae stae wiff uz. Az wiz rite upset and az asked why theys are no cumin. Ma Mum said that ma bruvers and sisturs wid eet Broose the cat and Mallee couldnae come tae visit eiver, coz Mallee wiz a sort of Dash hound. Wit the blazzes iz a Dash hound? See ma Mollee iz a Dash hound two shee pure Dashes aroond the gerdin at 190 mph. Then az rememburs that az could look up a Dash hound on the World Wide Spiders Webb fing. OMG az couldnae beelevee wit az wiz seein. It wiz a Sossage Dug!!! Az swears tae ma sell, a dug made fae sossages. FANTASTICK. How cool iz that.
But ma Mum says thats why Mallee cannee come an visit, coz all ma bruvers and sisters pure loves sossages and that widnae bee fare on the wee dug, tae bee covered in salt and peppers, and pure eetin fur dinner. See noo, az pure widnae allow that tae happin. See az am a veggeetareean, but ma brovers and sisturs arenae.
So az will jist sit in ma prizon cell and no speek tae anybuddee, fur at leest 5 minutes. So there.
Az will let ewe kens if any dug ever iz pure aloud tae visit mee.
Love big Presley the vegggeetareean fillosifer. xxx

Wit a load of Bool

2008-08-31T03:18:00.000-07:00

Az haz bin so bizzee wiff doin udder fings az haz no had a chance tae speek tae ewes, but pure loads haz happined tae mee. Az haznae stopped laffin fur ages and noo az haz belly ake. See wit happined wiz thiz. Ma Mum pure got her hair all dun rite nice fur tae go tae work - az diznae ken wit all that iz aboot, ah meen, its not like anybuddee reeelee cares. Anyways, off shee pure goes and iz like drivin doon the road dane hur Rhoda in hur Skoda impersunashon. Next fing she sees sum coos, then shee pure looked again and seen udders. There wiz aboot 200 of them walkin doon a lane towards the road. Noo see, fing iz, ma Mum wiz rite worried that theys wid bee hurted by a car or a lorree, so shee stops and sees a lite on in a hoose. Shee drove up tae the hoose and an old wumin opened the door. Ma Mum telt hur that she had seen a coo and sum udders walkin doon the lane. The poor wumin neerlee had a pure hart attack and ran fae hur hoose, followed in hot purrsoot by ma Mum. It turns oot that thiz wumin wiz the mother of the fermer who owned the coos. Ma Mum felt rite sorree fur the wumin coz shee wiz aboot 90 yeers old. The wumin that iz, no ma Mum - az finks ma Mum iz only 80 sumfin. Anyways, ma Mum pure runs doon the hill tae the lane and stopped the traffick, befour any coos got hit. Then shee pure gives it hur best impersunatshun of Farmer Giles, and shouts at the coos Shoe, Shoe, and they pure stared at hur like she wiz a nut job! Noo ma Mum iz no wan tae bee intimmadated buy a load of coos, so shee walked rite up tae them and says shoe ya daft moo. Cool eh? Noo ma Mum finks they kent shee wiz an undertaker coz they pure ran back intae there feeld. But az finks ma Mum jizt got two close and pure frightened the life oot of them wae a face like hurs an it wiz rainin so ma Mums hare wiz all over the place buy noo . The wee auld wumin fanked ma Mum fur awe hur help and ma Mum says, az didnae fink it wiz rite fur coos tae bee walkin doon tae the road. An the auld wumin said, theys iz no coos, theys iz bools!! Well the look on ma Mums face wiz pure dead brilliant, man az fots shee had seen a ghost. Bools, Bools, that iz so pure funnee. Well it wid have bin if ma Mum hud bin wearin a red jacket. So the moral of ma storee iz thiz. If ewes sees coos walkin doon the road, jizt remembur tae look underneef them, coz theys may be the udder kind of coo - a Bool.
Mee and Mollee iz still laffin coz ma Mum diznae ken a coo fae a Bool!!
Love tae all ma babes, and espeshally ma babe Rag who haz pure quallified fae Crufts again.
Love fae Big Presley the fillosifer. xx

Hullo its Meee az iz back wiff avengence!!

2008-08-23T02:00:00.000-07:00

Deer all ma babes
Az iz reelee sorree az haz no bin around tae post, az wiz spendin two mutch time on an udder website lookin at picktoors of all ma babes. Az haz left that noo tae consintrate on ma ane fings an az haz noo got ma ane fotos tae look at. That iz pure dead cool.
Az haz had a grate time over the past 6 monffs, seein ma babes and meetin noo babes. But ma all times favrite fing iz goin tae visit ma Antee Noras at the seeside. See shee iz mum tae ma Feeeonsee Rag. Yip its troo, az swears tae masell, az haz got engaged and a prettier babe ewes will no see. Lots of rite nice fings haz happin tae mee and az will tells ewes all wit theys are and az will tells ewes how ma noo babee bruver iz dane. Yip its troo, az swears tae masell az haz a noo babee bruver, well see, hees no a reel bruver, hee iz like a quarter bruver, coz hee iz a canaeree. Hee iz rite cool, and az finks Ollee wur cat fancees him, coz Ollee pure sits all days lookin at him, like az diz wiff ma fotos of ma babes. Sum sad fings have happined tae mee two, but az diznae like tae bover two mutch aboot sad fings, coz they make mee sad. So maybees az will no bover tellin ewes any sad stuff, coz that will makes ewes sad two.
Anyways, az iz back and az iz lookin forwards tae tellin ewes all aboot ma rite happeee life hear at the open prizon in Lan Ark.
Love tae all ma babes, and if ewes wid like a date wiff mee, pleese emails mee and az will telt ewe wit buz tae take tae the prizon.
Love Presley the King and Fillosifur. xxx

Day Release

2008-01-20T12:52:00.000-08:00

Hullo all ma fans, az bets ewes haz been missin me, well az iz back! Az haz been pure dead buzy rightin ma book. Todays though ah decides tae take a day aff fae rightin and az went on a walk wae some of ma beetches and some of ma hetro sexually challenged pals. See az wiz going tae write that theys were gay, but not all of thems are, some are pure right grumpy sometimes. Anyways aff me and ma Molls went tae a right far place in the pet hearse, az finks it wiz aboot 397 miles tae get there and aboot 3 miles tae come hame. Az meets up wae sum of ma old pals, but az wiz right sad that ma best pal Toby McKay wiznae there.
Well aw ma udder pals wiz there, Spooky caspur the sexually challenged wan, and hiz new boyfriend Ruben!! Ruben, wit kind of name is that?? If ma Molls wets on the carpet, az heers ma Mum shout, az haz bin 'ruben' this fur ages and the stain still haznae cum oot.
Then there wiz an udder big guy there called John, az finks az will call him Jonny, coz wees were on a walk and az kens some wan else called Johnny Walker. Noo ma pal Jonny, had hiz cells mates wae him and they wurs called Toots and Lassie. No the Lassie fae the telly mind, in fact, if shees wiz Lassie, shees wid be oot a job, coz she wiz sufferin from that wumins fing and shees wiz right narky wae the boys, butt she pure dead like mee.
Ewes will no believe wit happened tae mees. Az does what a King haz dae do, and coz az didnae huv ma Minder big mac wae me or ma heed of security Ikea, az decided that az should show ma beetches that az wiz a right proper gentledug and cover ma pee. But az swears tae masell, az a did thiz az fot a had dropped ma bling...wan of the Kings crown jewells, so az pure dead quickly bent doon tae pick it up wiffoot them seeins mee. But oz ah hears is awe the prison guards right laffin, coz theys finks az fell. Noo if ewes heers az fells, that iz jist no true.

Az iz pure right tired the nite, so az iz aff fur ma handsome sleep. Az will be back soon.
Love tae awe ma beetches.
Big Presley the King. xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Az haz a new hero

2008-01-09T12:54:00.000-08:00

Az ewes will ken az haz been lookin fur a way oot of the open prison here in Lan Ark fur pure dead ages noo, but az haz no been very good at it. Well except that wan day that me and ma Molls took the bus tae visit ma Aunty Rachels and wees had tae come back coz az had forgotten ma Tiger.
Az iz always lookin fur ways tae eescape ma prison, coz wees is all lifers in here, and ma favorit film is the Great Eescape. Well only the wans that does gets to escapes, no the wans that gets themsells cot. Noo although wees are all lifers in this open prison, wees iz no on deaf row, so that iz a right bonus fur uz, coz wees can hear, so maybees wees are on hears row. But check oot yon Kenny Rich, wit iz he awe aboot. Theys Americans were aboot tae put him in wan of they electric chair fings, but wan hoor before, theys finks that maybees hees should get an udder chance. Noo there wiz only wan good fing aboot that, coz he wid have got a right nice meal that night, but the right bad fing iz, he didnae get a chance tae play leap frog wae any beetches. Anyways, az haz herd that hees haz eescaped and ewes will no beeleeve this but hees haz only gone and eescaped tae Scotland, the very place wees is tryin tae eescape fae.
Noo wit iz awe that aboot? Az iz noo finkin that if somewan wid rather bee here in Scotland than be in wan of they deaf row places, then maybees me and Ma Molls haz maybees got a good life. Az finks az will need tae re considur eescapin fae this prison.
Big Presley haz left the study tae work oot a plan tae stay at the open prison in Lan Ark. x